Thursday, January 26, 2006
nakakatawa isipin kung ga'no ako na-"hit-and-run" (solidum, 2006) ni (alam niyo nang lahat kung sino)..ngayon ko lang narealize na marami pa lang cute na cinemasters. ay wait lang..napansin ko na pala sila noon pa. siyempre, ung una kong crush. 1st GA pa lang..ayos na siya. tas ung lalaki sa dilim. at ung may nakakabighaning friendster pic. tas ung favorite ym mate ko. at ung astig pumorma. ilan rin un? LIMA. limang lalaki. limang lalaking very cute at very eligible. kaso nasapawan. nasapawan niya. at never na natuloy ang mga crush ko sa iba. dahil sadyang siya lang talaga. ano beh???
sabi nga ni es..ako'y tila umaabot ng bituin. na kahit kelan ay hindi mahuhulog para sa'kin. at kung mahulog man, masyadong ____ para sa'kin. (haha..nakalimutan ko na ung part na 'to)
pathetically, i'm still holding on to the "ogie diaz and wife" part 2 dream. umaasa parin ako. at patuloy akong aasa. kahit na ilang beses niyong sabihing marami pang iba diyan. isa lang siya. at iintayin ko ang sandaling mahulog siya. kaso mangyayari kaya un???
alam ko umaasa ako sa wala. pero langya. selfish nga ako eh. ginusto ko 'to. at walang pakialamanan. hayaan niyo na lang ako. kahit kabaliwan na. kahit walang patutunguhan. kahit siguro lumuha ako ng dugo eh hindi talaga. pero libre mangarap. at ang pinakamahalagang human right ay ang freedom to hope. kaya hayaan niyo na lang ako umasa. wag kayong masaktan para sa'kin. wag kayong mapagod para sa'kin. handa akong maghintay, magdusa at magpakatanga. pinili ko 'to. pinili ko 'to nung araw na nakalimutan ko na ang lahat, dahil lang sa kanya.
wag kayong maawa. wag kayong makialam. wag niyong pilitin baguhin ang isip ko. dahil lahat-lahat ng ginagawa niyo ay nagtutulak lang sa'kin para lalong mabaon sa bitag niya (na nakalaan sa iba, ako lang ang nagpabitag).
hindi naman kasi posibleng habang buhay eh kakayanin parin ng kalyado kong puso. mangyayari ring titigil ang pagtibok nito para sa kanya. pero habang hindi pa ako mismo ang bumibitaw, standby lang kayo. kakailanganin ko rin kayo matapos ang lahat-lahat ng ito. intayin niyo lang. kelangan rin i-revive ng puso ko.
10:35 PM;
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
everytime i see you, i feel both happy and sad, ecstatic and devastated. i feel happy knowing that just the sight of you will make me smile. but my heart feels like it's smashing into smithereens every single time i can't look at you, every single time i have to look away, every single time i have to avoid your path, every single time you talk to someone else even if i'm just there. it hurts and it sucks. but then again, i'm not blaming you. this is just me. you have nothing to do with whatever i'm feeling right now. this will pass. and i will be happy once more, despite the seemingly pointlessness of it all.
"Bagay kayo. Pwede. Kaso this guy's in love with you pare." -byron
"Bagay kaya kayo. Kulay pa lang." -rai
orayt. apparently bagay ako sa mundo. ayt ayt. sana nga.
8:57 PM;
Saturday, January 14, 2006
i am THE worst judge of character in this world. i CAN'T believe i didn't foresee this coming. maybe i ought to stop being the naive little girl i am. i know i dress the part but that shouldn't make me act the same way.
i have such a misconstrued concept of good and bad, it's incredibly destructive to what's left of my heart. but then again, kalyado na nga eh. what's the worst that can happen?
***
i'm sorry i misjudged you. you SO didn't deserve that. i was JUST..i don't know. blinded. but really. i'm sorry. so sorry.
***
my gosh. what's wrong with me? i'm..JEALOUS??? that only means one thing. i REALLY am CRAZY over you. yikes.
8:13 PM;
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
apparently, my personal trouble of not having a boyfriend or a boylet man lang has turned into a public issue without me even knowing it. the family have risen to action because of my seemingly desperate situation. my eldest sister has fixed me up with so many guys more or less ten years older than me. and as for my second older sister, well she's been mentioning all these guys that i might like left and right. i know i should be grateful. but really, i am quite capable of solving my apparently hopeless problem. now my sister's mad at me. :(
it isn't that i am ungrateful or that i am insulting their taste in men. it's just that i would love to be just left on my own devices. it's not like i really am in the market for boys much less a relationship. i am incredibly happy just the way things are. can't they see that?
*sigh* i KNOW it's very probable that i will never walk down that aisle to meet my "ogie diaz". but then, can you just let me hope a little while longer? after all, my heart can withstand anything now.
8:06 PM;
Monday, January 09, 2006
pa'no mo malalaman na U GOT IT BAD?sabi ni usher..
When you're on the phone
Hang up and you
call right backIf you miss a day without your friend
Your
whole life's off trackYou know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house
You don't wanna have funIt's all you think about
U got it bad when you're out with someone
But you
keep on thinkin' bout somebody elsepero sabi ni aika..
U GOT IT BAD kapag..galing kang bahay ng alumni at ang next class mo ay sa film institute.
pero iikot ka pa sa may college of music..para may sulyapan.hindi ka naman sanay matulog ng alas kwatro pag may klase the next day. pero kahit na antok na antok ka na, TODO reply parin.
naiisipan mo siyang send-an ng load para makapag-unlimited sya.
kahit mukhang sugar mama.napaka-GOF mo pag andiyan siya. kahit na magkatext kayo ALL the time,
pag andiyan na siya, sing daldal mo ang pipi.may dalawa na siyang folder sa telepono mo
kahit na wala pang dalawang linggo kayong magkatext.manonood ka muna ng tv show na sinabi niyang panoorin mo kahit HINDI ka naman talaga nanood ng tv.
at uunahin mo 'to kesa gumawa ng report.kilala na siya ng mga kapatid mo na
kaya na nilang ipinpoint siya sa crowd.hindi lang kilala.
pati porma niya, memoryado na nila.pati
tatay mo binubulabog mo just to help him.
worst of all,
gusto mo na baguhin ang pagkatao mo. just to suit him.
yes aika..U GOT IT BAD.
4:43 PM;
Sunday, January 08, 2006
naramdaman mo na ba na sobrang saya mo? ung kakaibang bliss na feeling mo naabot mo na ang langit? tas habang naghohover ka sa ere, biglang babagsak ka na lang? biglang may humila sa'yo pababa at hindi man lang naghanda ng lugar na maaari mong bagsakan. sa pagkakabagsak mo, tumingin ka sa paligid at nakita mo ang lahat. ang lahat ay pareho parin. pero iba pala. ang mga bagay na binigyan mo ng respeto at tiwala ay hindi pala tunay. ang mga bagay na nagdulot sa'yo ng saya ay hindi pala totoo.
oo. naloko ka. nalinlang ka. naisahan ka. pero ang pinakamasama sa nangyari ay hindi mo makuhang magalit. at ang talagang gusto mong mangyari ay bumalik sa panahong hindi mo alam ang katotohanan. nais mong bumalik sa ilusyon na masaya ang lahat para makalipad muli.
sabihin mong hindi totoo ang mga natuklasan ko. sabihin mong ikaw parin ang inakala kong ikaw. sabihin mong kaya mong ibalik sa dati ang lahat. sabihin mong makakabalik parin tayo sa langit. at sana, sabihin mong hindi mo ako niloko.
3:15 AM;
Thursday, January 05, 2006
naalala ko bigla si guy number 1. at kung gaano niya naparamdam sa'kin kung gaano ka-one dimensional ang pagkatao ko. puta. meron pa kayang mga bagay na hindi alam ng mundo tungkol sa'kin? yikes. ramdam ko wala na. omg. napakatransparent ko. napakababaw. hindi na kailangan arukin pa ang kung ano. kasi hindi naman kailangan. wala ka rin namang madidiskubre. kung ano ako eh un lang ako. at wala nang iba. shet. pero tama rin kayang maghangad na may iba pang aika?
wala nang iba pang aika. hanggang dito lang ako. walang depth. walang lalim. eto. un lang. siguro sa isang araw na magkasama tayo, malalaman mo na ang lahat-lahat na pwedeng alamin tungkol sa'kin. eh bakit mo pa gugustuhing makasama ako ng isang buwan, isang taon, limang taon..habangbuhay? eh baka nga isang linggo pa lang eh nilalangaw na ang utak mo sa boredom.
alam ko NEVER pa ko natawag na boring sa buong buhay ko. pero kung tutuusin, feeling ko napakaboring ko na talaga. o baka yan lang talaga ang napapadama niyo sa'kin? ikaw at si guy number 1? na parang kahit anong gawin ko, hindi ako babagay sa inyo. dahil napakadynamic ng pagkatao niyo pareho. kakaiba at KAHANGA-HANGA. habang ako'y napakaplain. ordinaryo. generic. na tipong maglakad ka lang ng ilang metro sa Palma Hall eh makakahanap ka na ng at least 3 people na katumbas ko. puta.
minsan ko lang maramdaman 'to. kapag sadyang napakaespesyal ng isang tao. ikaw pa lang ang pangalawang taong nakapagparamdam sa'kin na parang wala man lang akong personality. kaya siguro gustong-gusto kita lalo. kasi iba ka sa lahat.
ang mga taong katulad mo ang rason kung bakit nagkakaron ng inferiority complex ang ordinaryong tao. kahit nakakainsecure, lalo tuloy akong nabibighani sa'yo. sa pagkatao mo. ikaw. ung sa loob mo. na walang pakundangan kung ano pa.
sana lang mas maraming tulad mo. para naman magkaroon ng pagkakataon ang mga simple at generic na taong katulad ko.
11:51 AM;
i am still unable to compose the perfect message for my "ogie diaz". *sigh* so i guess i have to settle with a blog entry regarding the ups and downs of having an incredibly "involved" mother.
pros:
i never have to worry about dealing with grown-ups, whether it's just the irritating saleslady who won't pay attention to me or doctors who ask the most personal questions.
money is never an object. when you're with mommy, there's no such thing as budgeting.
i can get away with every single gimmick, no matter how late or how far as long as i use our car.
98% of the time, i can get ANYTHING i want.
i know..i'm spoiled as hell. but then again, there are downsides of having a full-time housewife as your mother.
cons:
she can get really clingy at times. (and even demands you to go out with her..you do get bribed for it though.)
she's sometimes too sensitive regarding you having a life apart from her. (i didn't go home for a day and a half because of a project and she's already telling my bestfriend i don't want to go home anymore.)
she can get controlling over the most personal things about you. (she got angry and didn't speak to me for a long while just because i had my hair cut without telling her. and yes, she answers for me as though she and i have the same menstrual cycle.)
all in all, having mommy is THE greatest thing on earth. but then when you think about all the freedom you could be experiencing..well, that's another story. still glad she's there to support you even if you're absolutely DEAD WRONG. hehe.
just wish i could go the ob-gyne on my own. hahaha. un lang pala. ;P
10:31 AM;