Wednesday, November 24, 2004
although i was wearing a girly porma outfit yesterday with matching heels, i still joined the rally yesterday at the congress. my outfit was a HUGE mistake. blisters everywhere. not to mention, i wasn't even wearing the right color for the rally. still, it was a GREAT experience.
i learned
a lot of things actually.
i realized how many people are greatly affected by the budget cut on education. it's not merely us UP students but other students from different state colleges and universities..even high school kids. i also realized that indeed,
a lot of UP students are ilustrados. goes to show that up to now, the educated middle class are still the ones articulating the needs of the masses. unfortunately, we are and we will be favored much more IF the government DOES do something to somewhat alleviate the sufferings of the people. i was also introduced to the exact situation of the proposals regarding the education budget as well as the "allies" of the "iskolars ng bayan" in congress.
it's really sad how terribly outnumbered they are since a lot of those in office are just mere pets of those in power. eventhough there are all these realizations that greatly disheartened me, there is still one reason to believe. or maybe reasons to believe.
i bow to the dedication and commitment of the anakbayan members to fight for national issues and instigate awareness despite the apathetic reactions of most people. i am also even more impressed that there are 2 very active members that are now in med proper. it's really amazing how some people can balance acads with social causes. i wish i could do that as well. (is film and audio-visual communications calling me?)
speaking of my thoughts of shifting to UP diliman..i desperately need to make a decision soon. i can't imagine spending the next three years of my life studying chem..but then, i also can't imagine myself giving up on my so-called FIRST choice course. maybe the compromise is shifting to a health-science course in UP manila..or maybe i should just go for my dream and leave everything behind. i am TOTALLY confused and the parent factor(a.k.a. DADDY) along with the thought of leaving enya, block 11, 13 and 14 is making everything even more difficult. i desperately need help and unbiased advice. HELP!
8:01 AM;
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
i actually have nothing to say but then i just want to blog. maybe because i'm bored. or maybe i do have stuff to say but i just can't say them? oh well..whatever. i'll just recount the things that made me feel *HAPPY* today. :P
1. my comsci crush who looks like DENNIS is our classmate in geo 11. (another reason to wake up HAPPY despite the 7am class)
2. infairness to him, he smelled great. he smelled like kuya..wala lang.
3. we were waiting for our PE prof, then suddenly, i saw HIS friend. i was surprised to see him there too. and yes..i acted so GOF along with our whole block. Eric was acting so obvious and speaking so loudly. AND Kev just had to make that "keep right" hirit. oh well..it was still kilig. :D
i just wish i had seen block 13 too..
2:01 PM;
Sunday, November 21, 2004
I'm sitting here in comsci 11 lab class feeling bored and SUPER sleepy. Then Roseann tells me, "Kelangan ko lang ng pampagana." I went to his blog and told myself, "Goodmorning Aika!" As I scrolled down his blog to see previous posts, I realized I skipped reading one.
And GOD, I don't understand why I felt tears forming in my eyes knowing that I was THE ONE advocating for him and his ex to get back together.I guess it's different when possibility becomes reality.
Fine, he DID say he needs someone else. Not his ex. Yes, not his ex. But certainly NOT me.
Even if I've found a "Kuya Mel-ish guy", I still find myself crying over him for the millionth time. I guess no matter what I say and no matter how everyone is against him, I can't help it. I can't help myself. I REALLY do love him.
I hope the cards are right. I CAN wait. He's WORTH waiting 3 years for. (Yup! Absolutely!) 10 years for..(Yeah, I guess.) Maybe even a lifetime for. (Weh! hehe.)
1:02 AM;
Saturday, November 20, 2004
OH GOD. i need help. i must STOP liking guys who aspire to be doctors one day. and i should STOP being attracted to guys from the SOUTH. my predicament right now is TOTALLY not helping me. i was better off before today happened. now, i'm EVEN more confused. i NEED help. i can't go on this way. must really start getting a life. or maybe i should just look at other directions instead.
i can't hope to find a VAST horizon here. maybe a NEW horizon is what i should aim for.
8:59 AM;
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
i AM a
social person. maybe that's WHY
i'm NOT enjoying myself as i SHOULD be in upm.
today was a PERFECT day. (ok..i'm being
sarcastic.) i mean, i went to school today
excited about math 73 lec coz of SIR GEORGE. and i was hoping that since i saw sir sumalapao today, it meant some sort of sign that he was going to be our math 73 lab prof. but was i
ever WRONG. some woman entered GAB 105 20 minutes after 12. i thought she was some SA. but NO,
she was our NEW math 73 LEC teacher. GOD. WHY? i was SO EAGER to have sir george as our prof. so now, we're stuck with another teacher who's
too nice for my taste. and we have ma'am bastero as our math 73 lab prof. GREAT. JUST GREAT. i can already sense another
almost just above passing grade coming my way.
i
KNOW i shouldn't be affected. but being the
SOCIAL being i am,
PEOPLE greatly affect my life. especially my studies. that's why i DESPERATELY NEED STRICT teachers, REGULAR gimmicks, VAST horizons and lots of INSPIRATION. as of now, i am BARELY getting any. maybe that's
why i am contemplating once more the
idea of shifting. and maybe that's the reason
i am starting to LOATHE the rigid course schedule and block system.
oh GOD. i'm SORRY. maybe this is just
pms or whatever. i NEED to get out before i go crazy and continue to sulk AND rant. sorry WORLD. i'm just angsty and frustrated. forgive me.
6:54 AM;
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
i HAVE to start thinking positively now. especially since THIS sem would DETERMINE whether or not i would stay in my course. and well, i guess i have to at least be impartial so that if ever i do decide to shift, i'd know for sure i wasn't just shifting AWAY from upm.
so..what are the five things to look forward to this sem?
1.
having SIR GEORGE as our math73 lec prof. (*jump*) 'nuff said.
2. having JAMES as my classmate in comsci11 lab. (ok..i'm getting ahead of myself. but then again, he has GOT to be my classmate. i mean, i'm on the lower end here. i would've GLADLY accepted OCHENTA as my partner rather than my CR-A assignment.)
my consolation is that lab and lec are corequites..so james would be our classmate in lec. YEY!
3. having ma'am ilao as our chem14 prof. i'm actually quite excited to start studying. after all, my performance would determine whether or not i'd be saying GOODBYE to the campus, the course, my blockmates, andrew and HIM.
4. going on TWO fieldtrips with my blockmates
5.
having NO CLASSES on wednesdays!!!
and of course, i'd be seeing HIM around in AS. (*jump jump jump*)
12:17 PM;
Saturday, November 13, 2004
you are what you wear. i never really gave much thought regarding the clothes i wear to school. as long as they were blue or white and comfortable, i was happy. but now, i realize that the kind of outfit and accessories i have on greatly reflect how i feel.
you know i'm
depressed when...
i wear a floral skirt AND sandals.
i wear a girly top with matching girly earrings.
i carry a small kikay shoulder bag on an ordinary school day.
i get a manicure and pedicure for no apparent reason.
tomorrow, i
won't be wearing any of these stuff anymore.
my wave of depression is over.
i walked out of GAB 105 with my head in the clouds after
sir george dismissed us. as i was heading towards the stairs to get to my next class, i
saw HIS friend. i did a double take and couldn't believe my eyes.
HE was sitting NEXT to his friend. i
couldn't help but act so GOF..AND so TORPE. i couldn't even give a little wave or raise my eyebrows or whatever. after andrew and i were
TWO flights of stairs away from them, i finally spoke. i was
shell-shocked. i brushed the whole incident out of my mind, reminding myself this would happen a LOT now this sem. an orientation of chem lab, a panoceph x-ray, a manicure and pedicure at bench fix and dinner at piadina later, he was the farthest thing from my mind. who would've thought that while waiting for my brother's sandwich at cha-a, i would spot him? and yes..my mom wanted to call him AGAIN. but then,
my threat of tears prevented her from doing so. i almost forgot about my books for math and chem but i was reminded by andrew's message. i dragged my mom to nbs and coincidentally, my beloved tutor was there buying books. then the
tall, smart and handsome guy of our (many girls) dreams greeted me. i almost fell over. haha. then my mom showed up and thanked ricky for the nth time. coz he's such a humble guy, he didn't think much of it. then as we were walking out, i
spotted HIM for the THIRD time TODAY. by this time,
i couldn't argue with fate anymore.
i couldn't allow the moment to pass by without even saying HI to him. so i DID. and my mom JUST HAD TO as well.
i am happy now.
indeed, HE is the CAUSE and CURE of my depression.
1:07 PM;
Thursday, November 11, 2004
this is my 70th day blog entry. (was supposed to post this yesterday)
it's weird how differently you feel from merely imagining something and going through the real thing. all day, i was waiting to catch a mere glimpse of him. i waited and waited. i stared at their door hoping he would suddenly materialize from out of nowhere and greet me. i thought my day would end without seeing him at all. then when i finally gave up on the idea that i might bump into him, i see his friends at the same place i was. i look around a bit further and see him there.
i suddenly lost my appetite. i couldn't breathe. i felt like throwing up. i don't know why he affects me this way. maybe i am getting in over my head.
all i know is that, i have NEVER felt this way before. and i have
NEVER deliberately hurt myself just to see someone happy. i guess he's really different. or maybe what i feel for him is. i don't know. i CAN'T explain nor comprehend everything that's happening.
I JUST KNOW I WANT TO KEEP FEELING THIS WAY NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS.
11:01 AM;
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
alright..i'm back sa condo and i've got approximately 14 hours until my first class of the second semester. oh god. help me. i am so NOT prepared to face a month of acads. especially since we'll be taking comsci 11 this sem. and the fact that andrew's NOT going to be my classmate in comsci 11 lab. WHY did this have to happen? WHY in the world that we'd be separated in one class and it JUST HAD to be comsci 11? god, help. i have absolutely no skill whatsoever with computers. i hope i'd be able to scrape a decent enough grade to match the feat of my first sem.
and yep, a new sem should mean new beginnings right? i remember telling andrew that i'd most probably have forgotten about him by the start of the second sem. well, guess what? i wasn't able to have that sem break fling. and yes, i ended up falling in love for the very first time for a guy who will NEVER reciprocate my feelings for him. great. just great. i can just imagine seeing him every single day for the rest of semester. i can just imagine myself getting all GOF. i can just imagine myself falling all over the place. i can just imagine myself staring at him from afar, wishing i could walk up to him to tell him how i feel. and sadly, i can just imagine myself eating my heart out at the sight of him wishing i would be 'fortunate enough' for him to consider me as a friend. oh well.
happy new semester to me! i hope i'd live through the comsci 11 hell and chem 14. i hope i'd get by without seeing the Tianx for weeks on end. and i certainly hope that i won't end up crying over him every single night until summer. sana lang talaga.
10:24 AM;
Monday, November 08, 2004
"I love you" doesn't really mean that I want you to be mine. In fact, it's another way of saying, "I'm happy to see you happy with someone else even if it's killing me." So I guess I love you.
The perfect quote for my situation right now. I want him to be happy. So instead of telling him to move on and hint that there would be other people (like ME) who would be willing to love him, I sent him this message..
Hey..I read ur blog. Wla lng, i hope u're alryt. Neway, u myt not want to take advice frm me bt then, i thnk u and ur ex shud juz get bck togethr. I mean logically, since both of u are hurting and don't/can't seem to want to move on..Go for it. :) wel, that's my opinion anyway. God bles sayo. :) i hope u kn0w i'm here for u and that i care. Sana magng truly happy ka na. :)
At this point, I felt tears coming to my eyes. I mean, just imagining them together is slowly killing me.
Witnessing them as a happy couple would probably be
the death of me. But then again, I would be extremely happy for him. Happy for him yet
devastated for myself.
He then replied..
Pero, I broke up bcoz i thot we're btter off as frnds nga, and we rili are. Pro nt now cguro. Ders no pt in turnin bak..Hafta move on. Thnks anyway..:)
After getting this message, I felt somewhat outraged. He can't give up on his ex now. Not when I'm
deliberately hurting myself to help him in his pursuit of happiness.
Not giving up, I replied..
Pare, there's a point if both of u stil love each othr..And wel, 'better off as frnds' doesn't rily work. 2nd chances do work out nman. Oh wel..If that's how u feel, ang epal ko nman na mamilit. I juz hope u give d relati0nship a chance b4 u finally let go. Wla lng..Sori for interfering.
At this point, I am quite certain that I DO 'LOVE' him. Although I want him for myself, I will not hope to deny him of the person who would really make him happy. I hope he finds that happiness with his ex. I just hope, selfish as it might be, that he will know my true feelings for him.
Un lang. Haaay..Ganito pala pag 'mahal' mo na talaga..
It's okay if you can't love me nor even think of me. I'm not asking you to. It's really okay for me if you can't, cause you see? What I told you was "I love you" NOT "please love me too".
*supposedly a November 5 entry*
11:28 AM;
Friday, November 05, 2004
waking up at
4:55 am on a thursday knowing you
don't have classes
can be worth it. it can be when you have an unexpected bonding session with your older sister, an exciting nostalgic visit to your high school, laugh trip moments with your barkada and an experience (or maybe just a glimpse) of TRUE LOVE.
because my mom won't allow me to commute to admu, i was forced to ride with ate mabel and schuy. it was funny how ate was so patient. i mean, i can't imagine myself letting my kid get his way of eating breakfast, changing into school clothes and EVEN brushing his teeth in the car. i had an amusing time watching them struggle. hehe.
after schuy went to class, ate insisted that we eat breakfast at pancake house. for the first time in months, we were given the chance to really talk, just the two of us. i then realized that we have the same sentiments regarding stuff. i also felt kind of glad, that finally, we're connecting and that i can talk to her as though we're equals despite the 13 year gap. i just hope that we'd be given more opportunities to bond. after all, blood is really thicker than water despite everything that may happen.
aside from the sister bonding session, i was able to go back to mchs. it felt weird to be back knowing you were there not as a student but as a visitor. the visit made me miss the place more than i expected. and i felt all the memories come rushing back especially when we checked out our classroom during junior year. we saw some of our teachers as well. enya, mellow, marj and i were shrieking everytime we saw someone. we even literally ran excitedly to reach sir fermin. as usual, he was his intellectual self. haha. i missed his corny jokes, strict ways and evil hirits. i'm glad i was able to thank him that commI was a breeze thanks to all his green marks on my papers. aside from sir fermin, we saw and chitchatted briefly with mrs. blanco, ms. lacson, sir fernandez, sir sanchez, mrs. de leon and ms. ribo. too bad we didn't get to see sir belardo even after enya said, "hindi tayo aalis hangga't di natin nakikita si sir b." awww..
btw, it was funny that mrs. abano (beba's aunt) and mrs. fernandez still remember me up to now. mrs abano even said, "pumayat ka ah." REALLY? haha. nice thing to say although it's so not true. they made us write our colleges and courses. probably to show the mc students how they've produced such 'successful' graduates. but then again, we are the last math and science section. isn't that sort of given? haha. feeler.
i don't want to recount the numerous evil hirits i said today. let's just say it was just 10 am but i felt my throat hurting already. although some lines are still sticking to my memory. like "si RICKY LANG.", "bakit si serena kasama parin diyan?" and "dark blue." i know, i'm evil. and you just had to be there to actually get what i said. oh well..
although the whole day i spent in katipunan (or admu and mchs) was mostly a laughtrip, we still did have our 'senti' moments. or probably coz we were tired. haha. whatever the reason may be, i wish there were
more 'RICKYs' in this world. i wish there were more guys who were
as fun but at the same time,
as nice and would treat you not just right but
as though you were the most valuable and precious thing in the world. i wish i'd be able to meet someone who would
value conversation and pure wholesome fun rather than all sorts of intimate acts. i wish i would meet someone who would
purely and truly love me as lesley and ricky love each other. and finally i wish that someone would be
worthy of the standard of
true love set by my favorite couple in the world.
12:58 PM;
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
nine-hour trips from manila to guinayangan, quezon and back can do wonders for one's psyche. three ideas popped into my head that i continuously pondered on as my feet got all numb during the hours of traffic.
one idea is that i should have never ever felt bad over the past with louie and dennis. i guess things just were meant to end up that way and i wish i had done something more to prevent things from going sour between louie and i instead of pursuing my hopeless and totally baseless 'love' for dennis. maybe if i had given louie the love i was willing to offer dennis, things wouldn't have ended that bad. maybe i would be happier right now. i don't know. i can't go back and change what has already been done. but then again, i hope i'm not too late to right things coz i will never be able to forgive myself if i found out that things could've been different if i hadn't done such.
aside from this totally mind-blowing realization is my newly discovered phobia of getting into serious relationships. i know i shouldn't feel this way but then again, after what i witnessed just days ago, i'm beginning to feel skeptic regarding the intentions of those who engage themselves in acts of intimacy. i know these things are part of the relationship but then again, i feel somehow that these things ought to be treated as 'sacred'. they shouldn't just be treated casually or mechanically as though they were part of a routinary process. after everything i saw and heard, i feel dismayed and terrified that our society has lost most of its morals. my ideals have been shattered and i have no way of putting the pieces back together. i know at this point i am hesitant to trust. i just hope there is still a guy out there willing to love you for that warm, fuzzy feeling and not for some fast, hard-core action..
lastly, i kept thinking about the post i read on peyups.com. it's about this guy commenting on girls who go for bisexuals or gays. he was saying,
parang, heto ako, handa akong mahalin ka ng buong buo. bat nagtitiyaga ka sa kanya, e pera lang at sex habol niya. i know this is sort of extreme but then again, i don't understand why guys out there choose to love people of the same sex who don't even care much about them while there are people of the opposite sex willing to give their whole selves just to make them happy.
aside from these thoughts, while i was talking to andrew earlier, we got talking about love. i realized that i am not 'inlove' with him yet. but it's close to that. i mean, i do want him for myself but his happiness means more to me. i will never ever be 'inlove' with him. unless he will find it in his heart to love me too. for unrequited love will never ever be real love.
it's been such a long time since i have been inlove. it's just so hard to be a girl. you can't make someone fall for you. you just have to wait for him to fall for you too. but then again, girls usually end up with guys they don't like at first but learn to love as time goes by. at this point, i want to love him because i really do. but if he doesn't allow me to love him, maybe i should just let myself learn to love someone else.
just a thought. my trips to wherever usually end up with me HAVING to call andrew on the cellphone coz of all the depressing things that keep happening when i'm not in manila. maybe i shouldn't leave. maybe these things won't happen. or so i wish to think.
haaay..if you would only just let me love you..and it wouldn't hurt if you loved me back. :P
5:51 PM;