Wednesday, September 07, 2005
we
had everything. he was more than just a best friend. i poured my whole soul to him. and for some reason, he did too. i knew him. i understood him. we had something special there. but i guess it
just wasn't enough.i
was so content with what we had. i
was happy just being special to him. just being the light of his life. but after the incident this monday, i can't go back to pretending this was
all i felt for him.
as of this moment, he is now fully aware of how much he means to me. and really, i love him. so much in fact that
i'm willing to pretend that i'm ok. that there's nothing in this world i want more than for us to go back to the way we used to be.
even if it's eating me inside. even if all i want to do is love him. be there for him.
i guess i can still do that. i used to do that.
but now, i feel like i don't even have any right to do such . after all what are we? we're
just special friends. and i have no alternative but to accept that
it's all we'd ever be.
10:08 AM;
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
umiyak ako kanina. katabi ko siya pero hindi niya alam na siya iniiyakan ko. at hanggang ngayon naiiyak parin ako. tapos na ang drama tungkol dun sa revelation ni kerry. wala na akong pakialam. ngayon, takot na takot ako. nangangamba akong maaaring eto na ang katapusan ng lahat. masaya kami, oo. pero hindi posibleng ganito na lang parati. lahat ng bagay ay may katapusan. at mukhang narating na namin ito. mabubuhay kaya ako na wala siya? pero kakayanin ko rin bang magtago habang buhay? death. ayoko na. ayoko na talaga. iiyak na lang ako.
12:00 AM;
Sunday, September 04, 2005
in a small, hesitant voice, i blurted out the statement that made me so vulnerable.
"nahanap ko na sa kanya ang lahat." i never would have imagined whatever it is between us to end up this way. i was shocked when i realized what i just said. horrified even, as andrew and i continued talking. pero really, truly, honestly, i found every single thing i ever admired and loved about my guy friends in him.
he possessed:
1.andrew's listening skills as well as his "being there".
2.alphius' sweetness and touching concern.
3.orly's kakulitan, humor and frankness.
and believe it or not, i found in him..
4.kevin's special "something".
as an afterthought, i realized he didn't have kirstoff's tigas-ness. but then again, "who REALLY needs tigas?", as andrew did say.
i'm scared, frightened beyond words. everything is happening too fast, too intensely, too soon. i am rising to the top in break-neck speed. but what if my gas tank hits empty? i can't crash back down to the ground. that would be devastating. i would simply die. because it would feel like i lost not only one friend but four. not just a best friend but the only person who ever understood and accepted me as just plain old aika.
10:05 PM;