Monday, May 30, 2005
i just thought of it today but really money is a problem. or at least, it is when you don't have any. i can't believe i'm making such a fuss right now but really, i can't help myself. i never imagined that sometimes people's social environments just don't meet. and the biggest problem of all is that no matter how one tries to adjust, even if both of you DO something about it, the fact still remains that there is an unbridgeable gap between the two of you. i guess no matter how you put it, social status will always come into play in any relationship. and there's hardly anyone can do especially if both of you are still dependents. maybe i bit off more than i could chew by wanting to expand my horizons and meeting all sorts of people. maybe it's time to go back to the small, comforting world i was used to. maybe then, i wouldn't worry so much about money matters. but then again, can i still go back? and more importantly, do i WANT to go back? at this point, not really..coz as selfish as it may sound, i'm willing to adjust for you hoping you'd adjust too.
10:18 AM;
Friday, May 27, 2005
i wasn't really sure what i was feeling. i mean, i've known him since even before my 1st sem at UPM started yet we've only gotten to know each other "well" recently. i guess i still am uncertain. but then wednesday's sleepover made me see things differently.
i sat right next to my ex-crush. he was talking to me which he hardly ever does. but the weird thing was the fact that i didn't feel ANY thing at all. he was being really nice yet guy number 5's face kept flashing inside my head. i couldn't really concentrate on our conversation and i ended up staring at him blankly with a goofy smile on my face.
haha..so maybe what happened says a lot of what i'm really feeling. maybe i'm not just crushing on guy number 5..:)
1:36 PM;
Sunday, May 22, 2005
after a month and 21 days of being 18, i finally feel like an adult.
i am proud of myself. finally, i know how to deal with mind-boggling, heart-wrenching news without freaking out. finally, i am able to reason and justify rationally, logically and most importantly, calmly. and finally, i am able to speak my mind AND my heart without looking like a fool.
i feel different. i feel as though the past couple of weeks have helped me grow up in so many ways. i am thankful..
to guy number..5!!! (yep, bago..well, bagong luma):
i never thought i would write about you in my blog. but then, you have changed me in so many ways that i can't imagine how i was weeks before i've gotten to know you better. thank you for making me a better person..or at least someone i could be more proud of.
to guy number 3..
finally, we "talked". i guess things are resolved now..or at least on my part. thank you for being so honest. you know you will always be special to me.
to karls:
thanks..for caring. for wanting to be with me and really doing something about it. thanks for making me feel that being with the Tianx is still the best thing in the world.
to be:
thanks for our making me feel missed. i wish i could spend more time with YOU.
to pola:
thanks for sharing..no matter what, i'm here to protect you. i will always be "guy number 2" to your "girl number 2". :P
to mia:
thanks for still being the same shopping partner i had since sophomore year.
to ens:
thanks for knowing me inside out. i know i don't even have to say anything. you just know.
to beba, bogs, riva, pam, april..
thanks you guys. you complete me. i MISS you.
to andrew:
thanks for listening..and sa Fruits Basket DVD loan. hehehe..thanks for being there, just a text away. even if i'm being totally pointless and/or insensitive.
to kerry:
thanks for actually caring enough to want to help me with my "crush life". :P
to block 11:
thanks for two wonderful semesters. i will miss you. (kahit na hindi pa ko pasok sa upd)
5:43 AM;
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
yesterday.
i slept 5 AM.
set my alarm for 7 AM.
slept through the damn alarm.
luckily woke up at 8 AM.
took a shower, dressed and headed for UPM.
had to beg our driver to move faster than Pong Pagong.
literally ran towards UPM.
made it in just the nick of time.
then everything went downhill.
i saw him. then he had the nerve to get sort of annoyed that i travelled that far just to talk to him. i tried to talk to him. it was like talking to a stranger but worse. it was so awkward. not to mention nonsensical. it was as though i never knew him. or that we were never close. and the worst part of all wasn't the awkwardness nor the lack of "safe" topics to talk about. it was because it felt like he wanted to get away from me, to be anywhere but beside me as we sat for 2 hours in a class we both weren't even enrolled in. or maybe that wasn't the worst part..maybe it was our "parting of ways". he gave me this flimsy excuse that he'd be leaving so as not to talk to me further.
great. just great. that hurt. i was monumentally dissed. yet at least i have overcome my sleeplessness.
to guy number 3..
i did everything i could. i went to UPM just to see you. i TRIED to talk to you. i even told you EVERYTHING to make you understand. apparently, you didn't. i made my move and i guess it was futile. it's your turn now coz i'm not going to do anything anymore.
7:34 PM;
Monday, May 09, 2005
we went to baguio. it was cool. we met mike and pj. these two guys from the band liquid apples. they were really nice and they played well. people reading this ought to watch them. :)
but really, why did i feel the need to blog right now.
guy number 3..
you know how i feel for you. and you know how YOU feel. i understand what happened before. and really, i will try to understand that it's somewhat happening right now. but maybe it's because you're letting it happen. i can't afford to lose you. you are one of my greatest friends. we have to work this out. can't you risk it? the same way i'm willing to risk it for you?
ayun lang. maybe you won't be able to read this. maybe you'd be able to. i just hope you are aware that i'm trying.
i'm guaranteed sleepless nights from now on..
12:06 AM;
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
i can't seem to stop thinking about guy # 3 right now. i am so confused with what's happening or not happening between us. i don't think he's the type of guy i should fall for though. i mean, he's really sweet and sensitive. he's a true gentleman. he's intelligent and incredibly hardworking. he's one of the nicest guys i've met. i like him and he seems to like me too. but then, he's got all these other priorities..and i don't think getting involved with a girl is one of them. i want to think that maybe he would make this exception for me..but then, what if he won't? what then? argh..
12:16 AM;
Sunday, May 01, 2005
thursday: i was able to fix my UP papers with Kuya Mel's help! nako..MAHAL NA MAHAL ko na talaga si Kuya Mel. i watched "Can this be love" with Weng and Jaymer. it LACKED kilig scenes..but the kissing scene was DEATH. :P tas i became dr. love with Pola. PLUS guy number 1 and i prayed together.
friday: went shopping with mommy. then i got to talk to Andrew. and i became dr. love with him as well. plus my most recent ex-crush texted. how weird is that?
saturday: kath's debut!!! was REALLY REALLY FUN! gave Kath gcs that i hope she'd use with the right guy. :)
after everything that happened the past few days, i realized lots of things. first and foremost, i realized that a relationship with guy number 1 would never work out. we're far too different. and he has this way of making me feel so dumb and boring at the same time. i feel like i have zero personality and it isn't right.
i also realized that i LOVE guy number 2. i love him as a friend. i feel like my life just wouldn't be the same without him. he's just EXTREMELY fun to talk to. i always have the time of my life when i'm with him. i LOVE how platonic our friendship is despite the fact that we're so close. i LOVE the fact that we have this DIFFERENT relationship from all his other platonic friends.
the last thing i realized is that my relationship with guy number 3 is changing. he keeps on complimenting me. he gets all crimson when i tell him sweet stuff. he and i hang out together more than with anyone else. he got all guilty because he wouldn't go home with us. he gave me a different hug. he told me, "pag-socio tayo pareho, ibig sabihin nu'n.." (he didn't continue and just looked at me meaningfully) i think there are sparks between us. and he DID win the game proving he knows a lot about me. i..i don't know what to think. i think i'm starting to like him again..still, i'm not sure.
uh..i'm confused.
3:44 AM;