this is the year i've had the most heartaches. and to think that i dreamt 2005 would be my year. i had envisioned that by april 16, 2005, a thousand days since i've met mr. psychic vampire, i would be freed from his bite. yet i guess it wasn't meant to be. this christmas break, i was FINALLY able to come into terms with what happened. and yes..i have somehow been scarred for life. however, when i saw him two days ago, it wasn't the same. sure, he was with a new girl yet my heart did not constrict in pain as i imagined it to do. i was able to laugh with them, to smile at her. and not once did i wish to be the girl he was with that night.

at long last, i can bid goodbye to him. yes his bite has created a scar that will last a lifetime. but then, i can finally look him in the eye, and genuinely tell him, "i'm happy for you."

despite the fact that HE doesn't affect me anymore, i've got two new problems to deal with. first of which is the fact that i am unable to notice straight guys when gay men are around. in relation to this i have become addicted to pain. because i am no longer able to like any other guys unless they are homosexual, i have opened myself to relentless opportunities that will cause me heartache. after all, i will always be subjected to the pain of unrequited love since i have chosen to love men who love other men. now, i need higher doses of "ouch" in order to affect me.

look..i'm giving myself away here. ayos lang na masaktan. basta ikaw.

2:55 PM;

tomorrow is the final day of the year. seems like it's time i look back on everything and everyone that has created a big impact on my life.

first quarter of the year..

events:
i was battling with the idea of shifting to film. kuya mel won though and i ended up applying for another "safer" course instead. i was also preparing for my debut.

people:
i was getting over mr stroll. jumped onto liking guy#3 and another blockmate.

second quarter of the year..

events:
i had my debut april 8, 2005. a week after my actual birthday. kuya mel, ate ayen and kuya jec made the whole event possible. i also made the final decision of shifting out of biochem to diliman. bade goodbye to my blockmates and my manila life.

people:
i became the official "bridge" of the k-k loveteam. guy#3 made our lives complicated but we're still friends, thank the universe. also had this fling with a guy from upm. ended just after school started.

third quarter of the year..
events..
i had a hard time adjusting to upd life. it was totally different from upm. i had to deal with keeping myself company and the huge campus with a such a big population.

people:
i started to like the "prince".

fourth quarter of the year..
events:
i finally started to feel at home at upd. i also finally started to open up to new people.

people:
i lost my bestfriend and the "prince" because they chose a homosexual relationship over me.

so that's just the basics of what happened to me. of course the tianx are a staple part of my life. they are the bestest friends i could ever have. indeed, nothing beats hs friends. and really, i'm so thankful to my family. whenever i needed to get out, they were always available to me.

lalala. this somehow sounds pathetic. a WHOLE year of singlehood. but then again, i'm happy. really. coz honestly, there's only one type of guy i want to be with. and most probably, that type of guy would never go for me anyway. after all, i am a GIRL. so maybe i am doomed to get my heart broken over and over again because i love GAY MEN too much. however, it doesn't matter. unrequited love is a part of my existence. i can't imagine going for just any guy just for a relationship. it's the guy i want to be with or no one. ayoko madevelop. gusto ko, ung gusto ko talaga. if it's not him, wag na lang.

hello to another year of aika's singlehood. oh yeah.

oh..and i mustn't forget. i CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM.

8:53 PM;

hohoi..nakakamiss magblog. pero nakakatamad magrecap.

***


sa baguio..ayun, sa pinakaunang pagkakataon EVER ay nagpasko kami na walang bisita/bwisita. at infairness, napakasaya pala. at grabe na ang kababuyan namin. lamon to the max. in all my 18 years, this christmas ang may pinakamasarap na handa EVER. pagkatapos ng holiday festivities, iniwanan kami ng parental units..siyempre, walang magawa kung kaya't naubos ang panahon namin sa panonood ng MMFF entries at pag-inom ng kape. lalala.


***

happy new you ang drama ko ngayon. have to look different kahit papano sa pasukan. so i'm hoping to drastically change how i look. at siyempre how i feel na rin. first stop, derma. allergic pala ako sa sunsilk shampoo pati na rin sa closeup toothpaste. *sigh* resigned to ivory and colgate. rarr. second stop..hair salon. i want blue hair..kaso nagpakasafe ako at nagparebond na lang..but then again, blue hair parin! next stop..wardrobe? japanese fashion na ba ito?


***


i'm on a diet rin pala. i need to. after all the lamon fests i've had. it's imperative. pero infairness lang naman, i'm actually inspired not to eat. o diba? panalo. ahem. guess i've found that other d***** to make me thin again.


***


speaking of reasons to diet..well, he is just too damn special. and in all honesty, i think i might be willing to risk a WHOLE LOT of stuff for him. no matter how special he is to me, i've got to remember NOT TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM. mahirap un, TODO. pero kaya. may mga bagay na mas mahalaga sa pag-ibig. pagkakaibigan, pagtupad sa usapan..SIYA.

haaay..mahirap to. pero KAYA.


***


bading rin pala siya. nasense ko na. kaso pinatay ko ang gaydar ko hoping for the best. to no avail. kaya pala he was so unreceptive to my friendliness/flirting. oh well..may reason to get thin naman na eh. ayos na rin.


***


muling ibalik? you brought me back to the carefree days of our youth. SALAMAT. nakakamiss rin pala.


***


hindi niya ako tinext. i'm tempted to believe he's just not that into me. but then again, bakit pa ba ako nagtataka? ewan. pero nakakamiss pala. hahanap-hanapin ko rin pala siya. yikes.

1:51 AM;

shout-outs muna dahil aking-akin ang computer dito sa executive lounge sa westin philippine plaza..

happy birthday kuya mel!
congratulations and best wishes kay ate mm and kuya gb!

ang saya ng buhay dito..pahotel-hotel na lang! orayt. sana may ikasal uli! :) so how was the wedding? well for starters, ZUPER antok ko plus DEATH pa ang lamig sa manila cathedral..so muntik na ko makatulog sa simbahan. ganyan talaga pag napapanis ang laway at ang nag-iisang companion ay ipod. pero inFURness naman sa reception..LOVE the food! and it was fun..didn't have to resort to my bestfriend mp3 player. nabiktima pa ako ng garter game..tsk tsk. SINGLE lady kasi! ayan..haaay..ang DAMI talagang papable OLDER men!

and speaking of older men..panalo rin pala ang workshop namin nung sunday. just recently discovered this totally HOT 40-year old man. and he's single!!! *ahem* and FINALLY, i was able to actually talk to the very first guy i crushed on. kaso he's gay. but then again, does it matter? hindi ba un naman talaga ang type ko?

ate says i'm "doomed" to wind up with a marriage similar to ogie diaz's and his wife. the weird thing is, i've accepted that possibility and am actually looking forward to it. i don't know..but i just LOVE GAY men! *sigh* (not closet queens though..i'd rather you admit straight out you are gay..than fool me into believing you're "straight")


***


ang layo niyo! wish i could see you for christmas..kaso kelangan ko pa mag-road trip or worse, lumipad JUST to see you. can't wait to see you again though. *jump jump*


***


got a text from a past fling..was weird. he apologized out of nowhere. have no bitter hang-ups with him though. sana we could still be friends..or balik dati. after all..ang SAYA naman nung summer na un. kahit natapos nga lang nung magpasukan. hehe..


***


parang ang puno ng buhay ngayon..kahit na nagdradrama kami ni rai na "malamig" ang pasko..actually, hindi rin pala. parang i have a lot more things going for me right now. guess everything was and is REALLY WORTH it!

6:18 AM;

shikes! tumatanda na ako. so ngayon ko lang daw ba nafeel? at siyempre, kelangan ng reason kung bakit ko naramdaman yun. eto ang the reason.

i chose to squeeze between a relentless, excited mob of curious first-timers, "traditional" viewers and pervs just to see a number of frat men run naked in front of me for about 30 seconds THAN to maneuver my way to the front of a concert that i could actually SEE handsome faces and talent for at least a proper set.

shikes! i guess i have outgrown my "teeny-bopper" band fanatic days. i mean, i saw kerwin and richard tan and didn't even bother to say hi to them. and the most surprising thing was that instead of actually trying to SEE the concert, enya and i chose to sit around and LISTEN instead. i feel like my mom chaperoning me to all the parokya ni edgar gigs of my youth. (haha..careerin ang katandaan! tama yan!)

yep..i feel old. and truly NOT high school anymore.

***


btw, next time na lang ung oblation run pics. hindi ko parin chinacharge ung cam. hehe.


***


since nag-oldies effect kami ni ens, masyado naming dinamdam tuloy ang mga "sawi" songs for all of mellow's sawi friends (na actually kami..haha!)
here are some of the shikes lines..

ano ba talaga ang gusto ko? ang beer na 'to o ang pag-ibig mo? - beer, itchyworms

gusto ko lang maranasan ang langit, tumibok muli ang puso - tumatakbo, mojofly

'di ka na nangangarap,'di na rin naghahanap, tanggap lang ang kahinaan - ikot, stonefree

grabe na..it's not that i have the "i-need-a boyfriend blues" gaya nang inaakala ng lahat. and no, i don't feel lonely either. i just..want to crush on a guy who ISN'T a jerk. pero wala na atang hindi jerk ngayon. haha. joke lang. pero seriously, my problem according to ate is my taste in men. sabi ni beba, i have an avant garde taste. at dahil sa kakaibang taste ko, i usually go for guys that NO ONE else likes. problema, dahil hindi sanay ang mga lalaking itong merong may gusto sa kanila, nagfifeeling tuloy. maybe i ought to start crushing on hearthrobs. atleast sanay.

I NEED A CRUSH WHO MAKES ME HAPPY. HAPPY LANG. WALANG HEARTACHES INVOLVED.


***


i can't believe he ACTUALLY remembered my name! *KILIG*
haaay..ang GWAPO mo!
kaso WALANG pag-asa! :(




sawi nanaman ako sa napili ko! tsk tsk.


***


it seems that i suck at being a friend. or atleast according to people i can hardly call "friends" anyway. shikes! minsan talaga may mga taong atribida. grrr..if you don't understand, don't even try to interfere. at dun sa taong i wasn't a good friend to..uh yeah. right..tama 'yan. masama ka pag SANE ka. FINE. then i'd rather be EVIL than CRAZY. have fun in your own twisted world.

8:20 AM;

yehey! nakakaengganyo magpost ngayon..dahil FINALLY tinopak na ako ng kasipagan at binago ko na ang lay-out ng blog na ito. tuloy ang TAGAL rin bago nabuhay muli ang blog na ito. oh well. :)

paalam sa prinsesa..paalam rin sa mga bagay at taong dati'y napakahalaga. salamat sa alaala. natuto rin naman ako. sana maging masaya KA. kayo. hanggang ngayo'y hindi parin ako makapaniwala sa mga kaya mong gawin. pero siguro hindi kita lubos na kilala. at hindi ganun kahalaga ang samahan. kaya paalam. magkita man tayo, eh di magkita. haha. wala rin namang halaga.

paalam matalik na kaibigan. IKAW NAMAN ANG BUMITAW. NAGPARAYA LANG AKO.




bilang pagtanaw sa mga TAONG nagpapasaya ng buhay diliman..<3

UP CINEMA

ILAN ang KRAS ko dito?:p

6:23 AM;

ang silakbo nga naman puso..pati ang mga katarantaduhang kaakibat nito. tsk tsk. hindi na ata maaaring mabiyak ang puso ko. whoah. ang drama. pero seryoso. gaya nga ng sabi ni kelly clarkson, how can my heart break if it what isn't even whole in the first place? sige..dahil namiss ko magblog sa blogger dahil tamad akong magpalit ng template, hahabaan ko ang post ko.

magbibilang na lang ako.

ano nga ba ang mga katarantaduhang nagawa ko dahil lamang sa silakbo ng puso? *ahem* (hindi na kasama ang hayskul..dun talaga SOBRANG DAMI)

sa UP Manila:
1. first week ko pa lang..ang "kuya, pwede mo po ba akong ipakilala sa kanya?" incident na isinulat ko pa dun sa papel nung nag-game. yikes!

2. "excuse me po, pwede po bang magpapicture?" (hello aika..hindi celebrity ang taong un..)

3. strolling sa pedro gil

4. ang mga "nood tayo ng concert" estilong bulok

5. ang jacket/cd gift na idineliver pa sa alabang..(take note: fairview ako nakatira)

6. ang pagkaladkad kay kuya sa starbucks para lang makita ang aking crush na nakapalda (hindi naman girl un..hehe)

7. ang mga *ayokong idescribe* na text

8. ang "andun ka sa blog ko" cherva

9. ang mga confrontation na uncalled for

10. ang mga phone conversation na ako ang dehado

(marami pa yan..kaso nakakatamad na.)

sa UP Diliman naman:
1. ang muntik ko nang pagsali sa babaylan..(yes..i LOVE gay men)

2. ang paghabol ko sa isang varsity softball player..yikes!

3. ang pagsama sa rally..hindi sa hindi ako sanay pero dahil ang rason ay tao..hindi ung "cause"

4. ang pagtambay sa gym na SOBRANG lapit sa palma hall

5..wala na. bumalik kasi sa UPM ang silakbo. kaso hindi rin natuloy..so wag na un. kasi asa UPD na nga eh.

may 6 at 7 na ako. :) kaso baka may makabasa..kaya pagtapos na lang ang silakbo..saka na lang.

11:44 PM;