so what's been up with me? ehrmm..nothing? haha. i'm freakishly bored and dead-tired. i'm bored of my summer life and i'm tired of running around trying to fix my damn transfer papers.

update with guys number 1-4. haven't heard from guy 1 and 4 lately. guy 2 called me "my dear aika" (alright! *jump jump*) i know it's not much but if you know him, you'd understand why i'm getting worked up. he's anti-mush/anti- show of affection in anyway guy. and guy number 3..we got sentimental and mushy last night, it was funny. then he called me "sweetie". haha..then we saw each other earlier and he was majorly crimson! coolness! maybe there are sparks between us now. :)

recap..
thursday..went shopping for gelo's gift with my cousin and the GOF thing with guy number 1 i just want to forget ever happened.
friday..gelo's "surprise" bday. went to the movies with karls, be, randy and dapor. i must say for the record, randy is one of the NICEST guys i've met. plus him and karls make such a sweet couple.
saturday..i died of boredom.
sunday..i died once again?
monday..spent the afternoon with mia. it was great. just like the old times. although mia said up made me even more analytical than i was before. (ehrmm..really?) looking forward to belly-dancing! harhar..
tuesday..wednesday..worked on my transfer papers.

i'm bored plus i predict it's gonna be a fling-less month of May. argh! :(

8:41 PM;

everything that happened the past days since my debut has been nothing short of overwhelming. i am so confused that i have to resort to making this list in order to assess what has been happening to me. so really, what's up with my life right now?

guy number 1:
my sister absolutely adores him. he's different. he's out of this world. he's so interesting that i feel so plain and boring in comparison. he's arrogant and funny. he's everything i want in my so-called "dream" guy.

guy number 2:
my MOM likes him instead. i don't really have a crush on him but then i feel like i'm stuck in this "love quadrilateral" with him, my friend who has a crush on him and my ex-crush. he's a really great friend. he's uber uber nice to me. he's so smart and has the greatest hirits other than kuya.

guy number 3:
i used to like him before but i gave up on him because i didn't feel any sparks between us. he and i have this incredible chemistry on film though. we have this amazing friendship. we're so comfortable with each other that he's slept on my shoulder so many times already.

guy number 4:
he was my first crush in our block. he's the only lily i actually remembered dancing with because he was so graceful and light on his feet. i always get this giddy feeling whenever i'm with him. he's absolutely nice and a great artist too.

so what's up with all these guys?
well, if you've been following the developments of my so-called life, i have this huge crush on guy number 1. i'm so impressed with the guy he has become because i used to like him five years ago and lost touch with him as years went by. i rediscovered him because of my debut and got lost in everything about him. how he writes profound and uber deep commentaries about life, how he spouts off incredibly intelligent remarks, how he carries himself with extreme confidence..everything about him has made me want to have a "daily experience" of him. the problem is he sees me only as his "pare". and that's the most that i am too him. during one of those days i was so wrapped-up in guy number 1, guy number 2 texted me about my summer situation. it was incredibly surprising but at the same time very touching how he was all concerned about me even if he had no reason to be. i told andrew about this and he wouldn't stop trying to convince me that i was meant to be with guy number 2. of course, being wrapped up in guy number 1, i wasn't really listening. but then, the past few days, i didn't hear from guy number 1 at all. then just 2 days ago, guy number 3 texted me about my summer situation too. then we got into the topic of missing one another. i realized that it wouldn't be easy to replace him coz i was attached to the guy.

then everything went haywire yesterday. i went to UPM and saw guy number 3. and surprise surprise. he hugged me. and the weird thing was that, it was involuntary. as though it was the most natural thing in the world. later on, i bumped into guy number 2. it was so weird because i expected he'd be there this friday. NOT yesterday. and the weirdest thing of all was that he was the person standing ahead of me in line at the ocs. how can one explain that? of course, we had such a great time talking as always. and i realized that i would miss this guy SO MUCH. although we'd still be in the same campus, it wouldn't be quite the same to NOT have daily conversations with him. my cousin was witness by the way. and i think she's rooting for guy number 2 as well.

10:33 PM, i woke up with a start at the sound of mia's voice telling me i had a new message. guess who it was? it was guy number 4 and he was asking me about my summer situation yet again. we got texting and i couldn't help but feel SO HAPPY that he'd be transferring as well. the prospect of seeing guy numbers 1-4 in upd makes me want to start having classes now. we eneded up texting for some time and i got giddy again. after some time, i thought, why not try calling guy number 1. guy number 1 and i ended up sharing a historical moment with the announcement of the new pope. and my role as his "pare" was established further.

at this point, i don't know what to do or who to like. it's as if every one of the guys i'd miss terribly would be transferring to upd making everything even more complicated than i ever thought possible. i can't wait to walk along the sunken garden with each of those guys.

but back to my boredom situation. i still need a fling. who should i go for? :)

4:13 AM;

transferring to upd is giving me this strange feeling. it's surreal. i feel free. i feel as if i control my own destiny. i feel as though there are myriads of opportunities beckoning towards me. yet i feel as though i'm detached. as if i don't belong anywhere.

or maybe it's because i'm the only one not taking summer. am i this bored already that these thoughts are permeating my brain?

but really, i'm alright. once i get pass these momentary attacks of boredom, i know i will feel thankful. as one and a half months of early afternoon breakfasts and early morning bedtimes await me, i can't help but feel so fortunate.

and what makes everything so surprisingly better despite the fact that at times i feel bored out of my skull are the people. it's so strange that everyone seems to care MORE about me. or atleast those that matter anyway. i find it so weird that every single day, it seems as if there is one person who would surprise me with (take note) HIS concern for me. i feel i'm getting so pampered at the moment and i know i'm so going to miss this. but then, maybe i won't really miss it. coz after all, i am going to see THEM in diliman.

everything happens for a reason. sometimes, the whole world will conspire in your favor without you even knowing it. so maybe i should acknowledge what just happened. maybe because of some weird twist of fate, we are meant to be. :P

11:59 PM;

Dear ****,

Isinulat ko ang lahat ng bagay na nais kong matagpuan sa maaaring future boyfriend ko. Natakot ako. Natakot ako kasi tumutugma ito sa'yo. Na parang isinulat ko ang listahan na iyon upang umakma sa’yong pagkatao.

Ewan ko lang. o baka naman pinangungunahan ko na ang sarili ko. Masasabi ko ba talagang ikaw na 'yun base lamang sa mga tig-labinlimang minutong usapan natin sa cellphone dahil unlimited ako? O baka naman kelangan pa kita makilala nang mas mabuti.

Sa puntong ito, nag-aalangan akong mahulog sa'yo. Mahirap na nga namang masaktan muli. Oo, alam ko, parte un ng pagmamahal. Ang di kasiguraduhan kung mamahalin ka rin ba niya. Kaya nga lang, medyo pagod na rin ang puso ko. Hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko pang magmahal ng isang taong kahit kelan ay hindi naman ako makikita na higit pa sa isang kaibigan. O malala pa dun, nakababatang kapatid ng kaibigan niya.

Pero kahit na hindi ako sigurado at napipinto nanaman ang aking kasawian, tuloy parin ang laban. Alam ko nangyari na sa'kin 'to noon. High school pa tayo at siguro naman ay alam niyong lahat kung gaano nadurog ang aking puso sa pangyayari. Maaaring maulit muli ang insidenteng ito. Hindi mo naman siguro sinasadya pero maaaring masaktan mo ako ng higit pa sa naranasan ko noon. Pero hindi kita masisisi. At hindi kita sisisihin. Kagustuhan ko na ito. Masasaktan lang naman ako kung hahayaan kitang saktan ako. Pero wala naman akong ibang pwedeng gawin. Kasi napagdesisyonan ko nang ituloy ang nararamdaman ng puso ko. Sabihin na nating hindi pa kita lubos na kilala. Sabihin na nating maaaring ibang lalaki ang kilala kong ikaw at ang tunay na ikaw. Kahit na. hindi na ito mahalaga. Ang mahalaga sa'kin ngayon ay makilala at makasama ka.

Sana nga lang ay mabigyan ako ng pagkakataong lubos kang makilala. At siguro, pagdating ng panahon na iyon ay matutukoy ko na kung tama nga ba ang pagkakakilala ko sa'yo o hindi. Maaaring madismaya ako sa matutuklasan ko. Pero maaari rin namang masurpresa ako sa higit pa sa aking inaakala. Sino ba naman ang makapagsasabi sa ngayon na hindi mo kayang higitan ang "dream boy" ko? Kung anuman ang magiging resulta ng aking pagnanais na makilala ka, siguro naman ay mabibiyayaan ako ng kaibigan kung hindi man "kabiyak". (oooh..hehe!)

Kaya sana lang, hayaan mo akong makilala ka.

2:22 AM;

you are so weird..so out-of-this-world. so eccentric. so one-of-a-kind. so original. you never fail to make me laugh. maybe that's why i'm starting to fall for you.

3:03 AM;

credits to cK. :)
after a million years ko pa ata makukuha ung pix eh..


panalong pic namin! hehehe..


cute namin ni beba..

1:31 AM;

akala ko ok na kami. akala ko ayos na ang lahat at ang "peace" period eh maglalast for a lifetime na. akala ko pwede kaming friends..platonic friends for life pagkatapos ng lahat nang nangyari sa pagitan naming dalawa. nagkamali ako. hindi kami pwedeng maging magkaibigan. masyadong kumplikado ang lahat. it's either kami o wala talaga. kaya wag na lang. ayoko na rin namang magkaroon ng part 3 kung ganun rin lang. siguro kung hindi pa ko nakatapak sa UP, ok parin ung ganung pagtrato. matatanggap ko pa. pero ngayon, matapos ang kuya melden part 2 at ang danlen hell episode ng buhay ko, hindi na. ayoko na ikompromiso ang gusto ko para lang sa kasiyahan niya. wag na lang. mas matimbang naman siguro ako dun kahit papano. kaya masaya ako dahil masasabi kong hindi na ako maaapi uli. o kahit papano, hindi na NIYA ako maaapi ngayon. meron rin pa lang silbi ang lahat-lahat nang inabot kong sakit. hehe..

i will not compromise my happiness just so HE could have what he wants. no thanks. :)

1:15 AM;

mag-aalas tres na rin. anong ginagawa ko? sa mga oras na ito ay nagmumuni-muni ako tungkol sa pag-ibig. haha. tama 'yan. aika..matulog ka na lang. pero seryoso. ayoko matulog nang hindi ko naiintindihan kung anong nararamdaman ko.

una sa lahat, bakit nga ba nagmamahal ang isang tao? para kapag nababato ka sa kwarto mo eh meron kang matetext at siguradong magrereply siya dahil mahal ka nga niya? pero kasagutan mo lang eh textmate. o kaya ka nagmamahal eh para may makaladkad ka pag kelangan mo pumunta kung san-san? pero kaya nga may pamilya't barkada eh. hindi naman siguro kelangan "mahal" mo para maisama mo. o baka naman dahil ayaw mo lang ma-left out dahil ang buong barkada mo ay may significant other na? pero mabubuhay ka parin naman kahit pang-19th wheel ka na diba? eh bakit nga ba talaga? para makarinig ka ng "i love you" mula sa kanya? naman..sana hindi lang un ang rason diba?

pero ako? ano ba talaga ang rason ko para naising sana ay hayaan niya akong mahalin siya? simple lang. gusto ko lang maipadama sa kanya na mahalaga siya. na magaling siyang tao at napakaswerte ng mundo kasi may nilalang na tulad niya. whoah. purihin ba daw ng todo-todo? pero ano pa nga bang rason? gusto ko siyang makilala pa nang mas mahusay. nais kong malaman ang mga pinakamaliliit na detalye tungkol sa kanyang pagkatao. gusto ko na pagdating ng araw eh makakagawa ako ng biography niya na halos kasing ganda ng autobiography na gagawin niya para sa sarili niya. siguro gusto ko ring matarok ang kailaliman ng kanyang pagkatao at kaibuturan ng kanyang puso.

pero ewan..ung ibang rason, parang nais ko lang siya makilala. pero higit pa doon ang nais kong mangyari..nais kong maintindihan ang lahat ng bagay na nakakabwisit sa kanya. nais kong mahalin siya kahit na umabot na sa puntong ginagago na lang niya ko. ewan..gusto ko lang siyang mahalin talaga eh.

kaya lang, pwede ba?
tanong ko lang sa'yo, pwede ba kitang mahalin?
kahit ako lang naman eh..
basta ba magkaibigan parin tayo.
so pare, ok lang ba kung sabihin ko sa'yo na mahal kita? :)

2:46 AM;

para sa kanya

isang kahapon pinagmamasdan kita
kumakanta't nagkakamali
nahulog ako sa isang sandali
isang kahapon pinagmamasdan kita
nagkalayo na tayong dalawa
ang pagkakatao'y lumipas na
ngayo'y pinagmamasdan muli kita
bakas ng kamusmusa'y halos wala na
ang mundo'y nangyari na sa ating dalawa
sandali sa ating kahapo'y maibabalik pa ba?
ngayon habang pinagmamasdan parin kita
masaya at malaya
walang kamuwang-muwang
na limang taon na kita pinagmamasdan

2:09 AM;

it's YOUR night

i step down and look around
i exude radiance for it's my night
yet as i stare at you, i feel my lights start to flicker
you
you with the ******** hair and wide, puppy-dog eyes
yes, you with those ****, scuffed ***** and dark ******
you tilt your head back to laugh
and i can't help but smile giddily
without even trying
you exude more brilliance than i do
and i feel like it's your night and not mine
as i continue to stare like a spectator to an olympic performance
my lights have flickered for the last time
i look on and know
it's gonna be your night without even trying


-for astro guy. :P

9:53 AM;

first love

of sunny afternoons and unexpected opportunities
of squeaky voices and messed up lyrics
of nerves galore and prides that are hurt
of stalker texts and growth spurts
of years that passed and our paths meet AGAIN
of reminiscing the carefree days and seeing you as MORE than a friend
of wonderful discoveries and a spark rekindled
of dancing with you and my feelings that became muddled
of finally realizing what i let pass me by...

wala lang naisip ko lang. i'm older and wiser. 18 na ako. maybe this time, i should listen to what my heart felt 5 years ago. before i experienced the bitterness and cruelty of this world.

1:26 AM;

3 araw na rin akong 18..
so ano bang nangyari sa mga araw na un?

april 1.
bday ko. gising ako hanggang mga alas-tres.
bakit ka mo? kasi magkausap kami ni andrew.
at sige na nga..iniintay kong batiin niya ko.
nagpapasalamat ako at naisipan niya akong itext kahit mga alas tres na. kundi, baka ndi na ako nakatulog.
maliban sa kanya na nagpasaya ng araw ko, napaiyak rin ako sa tuwa nina joshua, kerry, ang Tianx at si mommy.
nakakatouch ung message ni joshua. tas pamatay ung letter ni kerry. ndi ko inakalang ganun kaseryoso ung dulo nun. tas wala akong masabi sa tianx. nasurpresa nila talaga ako. wala akong kaalam-alam na darating sila. at ang tigas na si aika ay nauwi sa pagluha dahil sa thoughtfulness nila. tas siyempre..and ndi ko ineexpect na laptop mula kay mommy. waaaah!!! ndi ako deserving. pero ayun, alas-siyete pa lang sa unang araw ko bilang adult ay bagsak na ako sa kama.

april 2.
ung lts. hindi masyado mahalaga kaya wag na irecap. tas fitting ko. astig..pumayat daw ako. harhar. tas siyempre, kung kelan wala akong batt, bigla niya akong gugustuhing makausap sa telepono. sa totoo lang, ang hirap niya kausap. halos parang wala siyang interes. pero inilagay ko na lang sa isip ko na kahit papano, hindi lang naman boredom at excuse para makatakas sa pag-inom ang rason kung bakit kami nag-usap. siguro, kahit papano, gusto rin naman siguro niya kong makausap. ewan. pero kahit na halos walang kakwenta-kwenta ung conversation at napakadaming awkward pauses, masaya parin ako kasi nag-usap kami. sana maulit muli..

april 3.
nagising ako sa text niya. tas downhill na ang buong araw ko pagkatapos. natulog lang ako halos. at nag-aral nang konti. haaay..goodluck na lang sa removals ko. hehe..



alam na kaya niyang gusto ko siya? malamang. kasi matalino siya. pero baka naman hindi siya makapaniwala kaya ndi niya gets. pero ewan. bakit parang nagsusulputan ang mga "crush" niya mula kung san san? at parang ngayon ko lang naririnig ang mga un? o baka naman kasi close na kami ngayon kaya informed na ako tungkol sa mga napupusuan niya. siyempre, pinipilit kong wag maging gof kahit napakahirap at hurting ako. siguro hindi na talaga matutupad ung sabi ng cards. at malamang mababawasan ang desire ko na bumisita sa upm dahil sigurado akong masakit lang makita siya na masaya sa piling ng iba kasi hanggang matalik na kaibigan lang ang tingin niya sakin. argh! ayoko na.

dapat pa kaya niyang malaman ang tunay na nararamdaman ko?

2:34 PM;