nine-hour trips from manila to guinayangan, quezon and back can do wonders for one's psyche. three ideas popped into my head that i continuously pondered on as my feet got all numb during the hours of traffic.

one idea is that i should have never ever felt bad over the past with louie and dennis. i guess things just were meant to end up that way and i wish i had done something more to prevent things from going sour between louie and i instead of pursuing my hopeless and totally baseless 'love' for dennis. maybe if i had given louie the love i was willing to offer dennis, things wouldn't have ended that bad. maybe i would be happier right now. i don't know. i can't go back and change what has already been done. but then again, i hope i'm not too late to right things coz i will never be able to forgive myself if i found out that things could've been different if i hadn't done such.

aside from this totally mind-blowing realization is my newly discovered phobia of getting into serious relationships. i know i shouldn't feel this way but then again, after what i witnessed just days ago, i'm beginning to feel skeptic regarding the intentions of those who engage themselves in acts of intimacy. i know these things are part of the relationship but then again, i feel somehow that these things ought to be treated as 'sacred'. they shouldn't just be treated casually or mechanically as though they were part of a routinary process. after everything i saw and heard, i feel dismayed and terrified that our society has lost most of its morals. my ideals have been shattered and i have no way of putting the pieces back together. i know at this point i am hesitant to trust. i just hope there is still a guy out there willing to love you for that warm, fuzzy feeling and not for some fast, hard-core action..

lastly, i kept thinking about the post i read on peyups.com. it's about this guy commenting on girls who go for bisexuals or gays. he was saying, parang, heto ako, handa akong mahalin ka ng buong buo. bat nagtitiyaga ka sa kanya, e pera lang at sex habol niya. i know this is sort of extreme but then again, i don't understand why guys out there choose to love people of the same sex who don't even care much about them while there are people of the opposite sex willing to give their whole selves just to make them happy.

aside from these thoughts, while i was talking to andrew earlier, we got talking about love. i realized that i am not 'inlove' with him yet. but it's close to that. i mean, i do want him for myself but his happiness means more to me. i will never ever be 'inlove' with him. unless he will find it in his heart to love me too. for unrequited love will never ever be real love.

it's been such a long time since i have been inlove. it's just so hard to be a girl. you can't make someone fall for you. you just have to wait for him to fall for you too. but then again, girls usually end up with guys they don't like at first but learn to love as time goes by. at this point, i want to love him because i really do. but if he doesn't allow me to love him, maybe i should just let myself learn to love someone else.



just a thought. my trips to wherever usually end up with me HAVING to call andrew on the cellphone coz of all the depressing things that keep happening when i'm not in manila. maybe i shouldn't leave. maybe these things won't happen. or so i wish to think.



haaay..if you would only just let me love you..and it wouldn't hurt if you loved me back. :P

5:51 PM;