fading away into non-existence

india drama one

2006-03-25T12:04:00.000+08:00

naisip ko lang kanina, napakaswerte ng mga taong umaalis. kahit mapipilitan silang iwanan ang mga mahal nila, may bagong lugar upang bumuo muli ng panibagong buhay. ngunit paano naman ang mga naiiwan? ang hirap gumising na lamang at mapapansin mong pareho parin lang buhay. eto parin ang buhay na kinagawian mo. ang tanging nagbago ay wala na siya. narito ka parin sa lugar na makapagpapaalala sa'yo ng mga sandaling kasama mo siya. mahirap lalong lumimot, bumitaw at kumawala sa mga alaalang pumapako sa'yo sa mahal mo.

kaya wag kang magtataka kung bakit marami sa mga nagmamahal sa'yo ay pinamimigay ka sa iba. ayaw na nilang kumapit sa'yo at sa posibilidad na hindi mo sila maiiwanan. bago ka tuluyang umalis, uunahan ka na nila. sana wag kang malungkot na ganyan sila. natatakot lang silang maiwanan mo dahil sa totoo lang, napakahalaga mo.

pero para sa akin, hindi mangyayari ang ganitong bagay. hindi ko nanaising ipamigay ka sa iba para lang hindi ako masaktan at umasa at maghintay sa muli mong pagbabalik. hihintayin ko ang sandaling iyon kahit abutin pa ito ng tatlong taon o higit pa. hawak mo sa iyong kamay ang puso ko. ano pa bang magagawa ko?

hindi malapit ang india. posibleng sa panahong naroon ka ay hindi man lang tayo magkita ni minsan. pero gagawa ako ng paraan. eeffort ako. kahit hindi ka naman nagdedemand ay umeeffort parin naman ako. siyempre. ikaw un. ika'y mahalaga. at oo, mahal kita. kaya ngayon pa lang ay pag-iipunan ko na ang airline ticket. may limang buwan pa naman.

v for vendetta

2006-03-21T09:42:00.000+08:00

isang buwan na rin ang nakalipas nang huli akong magpost. meaning milyones na ang mga nangyari since then. at ibig sabihin rin, bago nanaman ang kinahuhumalingan ko. alam ko masama. masama talagang napaka-fickle ko. kaso hindi ko rin naman siguro kasalanan. pa'no ka mananatiling "faithful" sa isang bagay o isang tao kung hindi ka naman nakadarama ng kahit kaunting appreciation mula dito? yikes. ang selfish at ang fickle ko. rarr.

ayokong magsalita nang tapos. maaaring sa susunod na buwan, sa oktubre, pagkatapos ng tatlong taon, magbago ang nararamdaman ko. pero sa mga sandaling ito, sadyang kakaiba ang nararamdaman ko para sa'yo.

yahoo!

2006-02-19T19:46:00.000+08:00

ang saya saya ng buhay. kahit alam kong sa eksaktong mga panahong ito ay may hinaharana o may naharana ka na. ayos lang. buhay parin ang puso ko. masaya ako para sa'yo. sana lang ay maayos na ang kung ano mang gulo sa pagitan natin. gagraduate ka na rin naman. maaaring hindi na tayo magkita. sana naman maalala mo parin..

on to happier things. ang SAYA ng shoot nina kuya nep at ate kz!!! sobrang ndi man lang haggard. ang saya pa ng crew. panalo talaga! i so LOVE it! sana ganun rin ang mangyari sa shoot nina kuya leo at ate tonet!

pics muna..:D

aika bilang sound man

ang dop bilang katipunero

mahal ng direktor ang dop

ang dalawang ad

pm at ad

ang may sakit na pd at ako

the wardrobe girl and sound girl

mahal ko 'tong direktor na 'to!

next blog..balikan ang drama ng FI. :D

bangag moment number lalalala

2006-02-15T08:33:00.000+08:00

akalain mo nga namang pebrero 15 na ngayon at dumaan na ang araw ng mga puso. kamusta namang hindi lang isa kundi tatlo ang date ko. orayt the gayuma/antipolo escapade. kamusta namang dapat ay sasabit lang ako sa choco kiss o di kaya'y "mag-hale". pero hindi, because the aika is very kaladkarin, i was able to go to the ultimate date place on a valentine's night without an actual date. whohoah. panalo itetch.

at kamusta rin namang marami ka palang matutunan kapag you're speaking in tongues. behold. like that red-haired girl, the frances is very insightful with her comment regarding giving your 100%. it got me thinking and then she was right that you can't expect people to give the same amount of effort you gave. so therefore, the aika's solution is not to give your best. because then you will just get disappointed and then you'll get hurt and frustrated. but then, this is actually wrong and i'm seemingly talking nonsense but then i do make sense right? so somewhat this is all very labo with all of us speaking in the LEO VALENCIA accent. so come on now. what's up with this? ano beh? haha. i'm fucking USELESS. lalala.

i'm crazily bangag and we have a shoot later. and come on now, we don't have equipment. how cool is that? my artistic abilities are being zapped. so the jerwin should just make do with whatever crap i produce. after all, my sig sheet is so pangit anyway. oh no no no. aika should stop being bitter. being ampalaya is not worth it. i just can't help it. and now i cannot think straight anymore. i am thinking in tongues now. oh come on. kamusta naman the aika? hala hala hala.

oh..and yeah. i can't wait to see the pics with the captions, "asan ka bebs 1, asan ka bebs 2..til infinity" and the "waiting in vain for bebs" series as well. so come on, i'm making bulgar to the whole world. haha. yes..because you should look at my henna. haller? must add brown to make it safeR in some way.

people reading this who are not from masscomm will think i'm crazy. and i probably am. kamusta naman? hahaha..should've been able to order crazy for you.

of farewells and letting gos

2006-02-07T08:15:00.000+08:00

i CAN'T believe it. you're leaving. just when..just when i'm starting to rely on your presence..of having you around. it sucks knowing i just met you. and the moments i could've spent with you in the future will NEVER happen. just because you're leaving. you told me just yesterday i should learn to let go. who would've thought my ipod memory can actually be equated to YOU? *sigh*

don't go..

hahaha. asa pa ako. if ever you would stay, it most probably wouldn't be for ME anyway.

my heart is now breaking. farewell.

***

i know things can NEVER be. the way you look at me makes me feel like pond scum. or the bacteria that feeds on the pond scum. *sigh* yet i still hope..that one day, after ten years or so, you would want to settle down AND be with me. i KNOW we'll see each other again. hopefully by that time, I would be the one you were looking for.

awit para sa'yo

2006-02-04T19:42:00.000+08:00

it's my 100th post. haha. kaso naman since 2004 pa ang blog na ito. kamusta naman un?

hello to you. i know you don't read my blog anymore. tapos na ang ugnayan natin. pero kahit na. this is my song for you.

TANING- Imago

Sa'n mapupulot ang pag-asa *sa'n nga ba? nawawalan na ako eh!*
may katuwiran ba ang sala
ngiti ko ang iyong galak *it's the other way around*
langit ko ang iyong kandungan *IKAW ang nagdudulot ng saya sa'kin :(*

Permiso sa isang araw na makasama ka *kahit isang araw lang*
abiso ng pusong bulag na humahanga

Chorus:
Tama bang aminin na nating may taning
tong pag-ibig natin *may taning na ang pag-ibig ko sa'yo*
dakila man walang kasaysayang kakapit
sa bulag na pag-ibig

Sa'n hihingi ng patawad
kung walang dalang dahilan
tangis ko ang iyong pagluha
nais ko ang iyong kalayaan *kelangan na kitang tigilan*

Permiso sa isang araw na makasama ka
abiso ng pusong bulag na humahanga

Chorus(2x)

Permiso sa isang araw na makasama ka
abiso ng pusong bulag na humahanga

tama bang aminin na nating may taning..........

halo-halo na

2006-02-04T12:17:00.000+08:00

AHAHAHAHAHA!!! :D

i KNEW it!

tunay nga talagang mabenta ang mga taong "manyak". kaya naman pala tinatanggihan ang survivor.

***

what is up with my valentine's day date hunting?

my 2 prospects are GONE. kawawa naman ako. talagang dateless nga ako on the 14th.

ung una, i mentioned it to him. at sabi naman niya, "ayos lang yan. hindi kailangan ng date para maging masaya." so does this mean he's out of the running? at hindi ko na pwedeng asahan na IF i-ask out ko siya ay may posibilidad na mag-date nga kami?

ung pangalawa, wala na. he doesn't like me anymore. hahaha. tsk tsk.

so..self pity nanaman ba ito?

***

it's amazing how i fall for guys who write well. hanep pare. ang galing mo. pag ikaw nagsulat, tagos. naaabot ang kaibuturan ng aking pagkatao. astig ka talaga. i am impressed once again.

***

sometimes, you feel so strongly about something that you reach its peak too early, too soon. suddenly, you're falling back down and you can't go back to the blissful moments of ascension. is it my fault that i immersed myself completely into you? or yours for pushing me away?

i have become so used to liking you. life will not make sense anymore if i don't. please don't end this for me.

let me love you

2006-02-02T22:06:00.000+08:00

heto nanaman ako..online nanaman, nagpopost nanaman. tas ano nanaman ba topic ko? syempre ang paborito kong topic sa buong mundo. ang aking kasawian. pero maiba tayo sa post na 'to. mangangarap na lang muna ako.

***

aabangan kita.

ikaw ang talang mamasdan ko sa kalayuan..
habang patuloy kang nawawala sa aking paningin..
naglalaho sa kalangitan.
pero patuloy parin kitang mamasdan.

kahit wala ka na.

ang lugar na iyong nilisan ay titingalain ko parin.
darating rin ang gabi.
makikita kitang muli.
at sa pagkakataong iyon, liliwanag nanaman ang aking mundo.
kahit sandali lang.
kahit alam ko mawawala ka muli.

at darating ang panahong hindi mo na bibigyang ningning ang kadiliman ng aking gabi.
masasanay rin ako sa takipsilim na wala ka.

pero sana, minsan, kahit isang saglit sa hinaharap, maalala mo ring may nag-iintay parin sa'yong liwanag, nangangapa sa dilim.

***

kamusta namang HINDI daw magdadrama?

eto na nga. eto na talaga. pangarap kong manligaw ng isang tao. particularly isang bading. take note. HINDI BABAE o LALAKI ok? BADING. ndi ako sure kung swak ung bi. pag-iisipan ko pa. pero anyway, syempre, kasama na rin dun na sana sagutin nya ako noh? pero ayun nga, gusto ko mabigyan ng pagkakataon na manligaw. ung ligaw na napapanood mo lang sa sine. ung tipong naiiyak ka at napapa-awww sa sobrang pagkasweet. un ang nais kong gawin. ung ibigay ang sarili ko kahit nakakahiya, kahit mukhang tanga. pero astig rin kaya. kung kaya ng lalaki mapaibig ang isang babae sa simpleng text at date sa kung san mang "wala lang" na lugar, gusto kong mag-effort. ung tipong ndi mo maimagine na may taong gagawa nun para sa'yo. iyon ang gusto kong gawin. ung ultimate dream ng taong balak kong ligawan times ten. parang ganun.

so meron na akong game plan. kaso nga lang, wala namang liligawan. ndi naman sa mahirap maghanap ng WORTHY candidate. kaso sana, ung kahit pa'no, may pag-asa. or at least i-eentertain ka. ndi naman ako takot mabusted eh. naman. kaya nga gusto kong manligaw eh. syempre masarap maramdaman ung challenge, ung effort, at ung triumph. pero astig rin ung sakit, ung pagkasawi knowing na ibinigay mo ang lahat. ibig sabihin, hindi talaga meant. pero ndi masasabing nagkulang ka. ndi lang nya tinanggap.

kaya kung mga may suhestyon kayo para sa aking pangarap, i would so appreciate them. salamat salamat. :D

aika is a dateless wonder

2006-02-02T01:09:00.000+08:00

ala una na pala. meaning huwebes na. at nung martes ko pa narealize na DALAWANG LINGGO na lang..valentine's day na. haha. ang babaw. imbes na isipin na malamang hell week nanaman un dahil sa acads..at siyempre final interview na rin. pero ndi. pinoproblema ko ang valentine's, particularly ang aking pagiging dateless wonder.

kamusta naman ang mga kasagutan ng mga tao ano?

ate ayen: "papabigyan kita kay chico ng flowers" (si chico ay aso namin. orayt.)

kuya jec: "may ipapadate ako sa'yo. nakapink siya. mature. blah blah blah.." (kuya..kung si richard, wag na lang.)

mia: "go out with an old friend" (my best friend is currently dating my ex boylet..so asa pa ano? and NO. i will NOT ask out past flings/crushes)

*sigh*

where do you get a DECENT date in less than two weeks? valentine's day falls on a TUESDAY pa naman. at oo, walang pasok ang karamihan sa mga taga-UP, kasama na ako. SAYANG ang pagkakataon.

naman. i want to go out. sige na. kung worth it ka, my treat pa. basta, tara.

at oo nga pala. wala nang magbibigay sa'kin ng flowers. wala na ako sa manila.

*sigh*

drama drama drama

2006-01-26T22:35:00.000+08:00

nakakatawa isipin kung ga'no ako na-"hit-and-run" (solidum, 2006) ni (alam niyo nang lahat kung sino)..ngayon ko lang narealize na marami pa lang cute na cinemasters. ay wait lang..napansin ko na pala sila noon pa. siyempre, ung una kong crush. 1st GA pa lang..ayos na siya. tas ung lalaki sa dilim. at ung may nakakabighaning friendster pic. tas ung favorite ym mate ko. at ung astig pumorma. ilan rin un? LIMA. limang lalaki. limang lalaking very cute at very eligible. kaso nasapawan. nasapawan niya. at never na natuloy ang mga crush ko sa iba. dahil sadyang siya lang talaga. ano beh???

sabi nga ni es..ako'y tila umaabot ng bituin. na kahit kelan ay hindi mahuhulog para sa'kin. at kung mahulog man, masyadong ____ para sa'kin. (haha..nakalimutan ko na ung part na 'to)

pathetically, i'm still holding on to the "ogie diaz and wife" part 2 dream. umaasa parin ako. at patuloy akong aasa. kahit na ilang beses niyong sabihing marami pang iba diyan. isa lang siya. at iintayin ko ang sandaling mahulog siya. kaso mangyayari kaya un???

alam ko umaasa ako sa wala. pero langya. selfish nga ako eh. ginusto ko 'to. at walang pakialamanan. hayaan niyo na lang ako. kahit kabaliwan na. kahit walang patutunguhan. kahit siguro lumuha ako ng dugo eh hindi talaga. pero libre mangarap. at ang pinakamahalagang human right ay ang freedom to hope. kaya hayaan niyo na lang ako umasa. wag kayong masaktan para sa'kin. wag kayong mapagod para sa'kin. handa akong maghintay, magdusa at magpakatanga. pinili ko 'to. pinili ko 'to nung araw na nakalimutan ko na ang lahat, dahil lang sa kanya.

wag kayong maawa. wag kayong makialam. wag niyong pilitin baguhin ang isip ko. dahil lahat-lahat ng ginagawa niyo ay nagtutulak lang sa'kin para lalong mabaon sa bitag niya (na nakalaan sa iba, ako lang ang nagpabitag).

hindi naman kasi posibleng habang buhay eh kakayanin parin ng kalyado kong puso. mangyayari ring titigil ang pagtibok nito para sa kanya. pero habang hindi pa ako mismo ang bumibitaw, standby lang kayo. kakailanganin ko rin kayo matapos ang lahat-lahat ng ito. intayin niyo lang. kelangan rin i-revive ng puso ko.

ang lungkot ng buhay ngayon

2006-01-18T20:57:00.000+08:00

everytime i see you, i feel both happy and sad, ecstatic and devastated. i feel happy knowing that just the sight of you will make me smile. but my heart feels like it's smashing into smithereens every single time i can't look at you, every single time i have to look away, every single time i have to avoid your path, every single time you talk to someone else even if i'm just there. it hurts and it sucks. but then again, i'm not blaming you. this is just me. you have nothing to do with whatever i'm feeling right now. this will pass. and i will be happy once more, despite the seemingly pointlessness of it all.

"Bagay kayo. Pwede. Kaso this guy's in love with you pare." -byron

"Bagay kaya kayo. Kulay pa lang." -rai

orayt. apparently bagay ako sa mundo. ayt ayt. sana nga.

oh my..

2006-01-14T20:13:00.000+08:00

i am THE worst judge of character in this world. i CAN'T believe i didn't foresee this coming. maybe i ought to stop being the naive little girl i am. i know i dress the part but that shouldn't make me act the same way.

i have such a misconstrued concept of good and bad, it's incredibly destructive to what's left of my heart. but then again, kalyado na nga eh. what's the worst that can happen?

***

i'm sorry i misjudged you. you SO didn't deserve that. i was JUST..i don't know. blinded. but really. i'm sorry. so sorry.

***

my gosh. what's wrong with me? i'm..JEALOUS??? that only means one thing. i REALLY am CRAZY over you. yikes.

kawawa naman ako

2006-01-10T20:06:00.000+08:00

apparently, my personal trouble of not having a boyfriend or a boylet man lang has turned into a public issue without me even knowing it. the family have risen to action because of my seemingly desperate situation. my eldest sister has fixed me up with so many guys more or less ten years older than me. and as for my second older sister, well she's been mentioning all these guys that i might like left and right. i know i should be grateful. but really, i am quite capable of solving my apparently hopeless problem. now my sister's mad at me. :(

it isn't that i am ungrateful or that i am insulting their taste in men. it's just that i would love to be just left on my own devices. it's not like i really am in the market for boys much less a relationship. i am incredibly happy just the way things are. can't they see that?

*sigh* i KNOW it's very probable that i will never walk down that aisle to meet my "ogie diaz". but then, can you just let me hope a little while longer? after all, my heart can withstand anything now.

U GOT IT BAD?

2006-01-09T16:43:00.000+08:00

pa'no mo malalaman na U GOT IT BAD?

sabi ni usher..

When you're on the phone
Hang up and you call right back

If you miss a day without your friend
Your whole life's off track

You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house
You don't wanna have fun
It's all you think about

U got it bad when you're out with someone
But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else

pero sabi ni aika..
U GOT IT BAD kapag..

galing kang bahay ng alumni at ang next class mo ay sa film institute. pero iikot ka pa sa may college of music..para may sulyapan.

hindi ka naman sanay matulog ng alas kwatro pag may klase the next day. pero kahit na antok na antok ka na, TODO reply parin.

naiisipan mo siyang send-an ng load para makapag-unlimited sya. kahit mukhang sugar mama.

napaka-GOF mo pag andiyan siya. kahit na magkatext kayo ALL the time, pag andiyan na siya, sing daldal mo ang pipi.

may dalawa na siyang folder sa telepono mo kahit na wala pang dalawang linggo kayong magkatext.

manonood ka muna ng tv show na sinabi niyang panoorin mo kahit HINDI ka naman talaga nanood ng tv. at uunahin mo 'to kesa gumawa ng report.

kilala na siya ng mga kapatid mo na kaya na nilang ipinpoint siya sa crowd.

hindi lang kilala. pati porma niya, memoryado na nila.

pati tatay mo binubulabog mo just to help him.

worst of all, gusto mo na baguhin ang pagkatao mo. just to suit him.

yes aika..U GOT IT BAD.

totoo ba?

2006-01-08T03:15:00.000+08:00

naramdaman mo na ba na sobrang saya mo? ung kakaibang bliss na feeling mo naabot mo na ang langit? tas habang naghohover ka sa ere, biglang babagsak ka na lang? biglang may humila sa'yo pababa at hindi man lang naghanda ng lugar na maaari mong bagsakan. sa pagkakabagsak mo, tumingin ka sa paligid at nakita mo ang lahat. ang lahat ay pareho parin. pero iba pala. ang mga bagay na binigyan mo ng respeto at tiwala ay hindi pala tunay. ang mga bagay na nagdulot sa'yo ng saya ay hindi pala totoo.

oo. naloko ka. nalinlang ka. naisahan ka. pero ang pinakamasama sa nangyari ay hindi mo makuhang magalit. at ang talagang gusto mong mangyari ay bumalik sa panahong hindi mo alam ang katotohanan. nais mong bumalik sa ilusyon na masaya ang lahat para makalipad muli.

sabihin mong hindi totoo ang mga natuklasan ko. sabihin mong ikaw parin ang inakala kong ikaw. sabihin mong kaya mong ibalik sa dati ang lahat. sabihin mong makakabalik parin tayo sa langit. at sana, sabihin mong hindi mo ako niloko.

multi-faceted you, "uni-faceted" me

2006-01-05T11:51:00.000+08:00

naalala ko bigla si guy number 1. at kung gaano niya naparamdam sa'kin kung gaano ka-one dimensional ang pagkatao ko. puta. meron pa kayang mga bagay na hindi alam ng mundo tungkol sa'kin? yikes. ramdam ko wala na. omg. napakatransparent ko. napakababaw. hindi na kailangan arukin pa ang kung ano. kasi hindi naman kailangan. wala ka rin namang madidiskubre. kung ano ako eh un lang ako. at wala nang iba. shet. pero tama rin kayang maghangad na may iba pang aika?

wala nang iba pang aika. hanggang dito lang ako. walang depth. walang lalim. eto. un lang. siguro sa isang araw na magkasama tayo, malalaman mo na ang lahat-lahat na pwedeng alamin tungkol sa'kin. eh bakit mo pa gugustuhing makasama ako ng isang buwan, isang taon, limang taon..habangbuhay? eh baka nga isang linggo pa lang eh nilalangaw na ang utak mo sa boredom.

alam ko NEVER pa ko natawag na boring sa buong buhay ko. pero kung tutuusin, feeling ko napakaboring ko na talaga. o baka yan lang talaga ang napapadama niyo sa'kin? ikaw at si guy number 1? na parang kahit anong gawin ko, hindi ako babagay sa inyo. dahil napakadynamic ng pagkatao niyo pareho. kakaiba at KAHANGA-HANGA. habang ako'y napakaplain. ordinaryo. generic. na tipong maglakad ka lang ng ilang metro sa Palma Hall eh makakahanap ka na ng at least 3 people na katumbas ko. puta.

minsan ko lang maramdaman 'to. kapag sadyang napakaespesyal ng isang tao. ikaw pa lang ang pangalawang taong nakapagparamdam sa'kin na parang wala man lang akong personality. kaya siguro gustong-gusto kita lalo. kasi iba ka sa lahat.

ang mga taong katulad mo ang rason kung bakit nagkakaron ng inferiority complex ang ordinaryong tao. kahit nakakainsecure, lalo tuloy akong nabibighani sa'yo. sa pagkatao mo. ikaw. ung sa loob mo. na walang pakundangan kung ano pa.

sana lang mas maraming tulad mo. para naman magkaroon ng pagkakataon ang mga simple at generic na taong katulad ko.

tales of having an "involved" mother

2006-01-05T10:31:00.000+08:00

i am still unable to compose the perfect message for my "ogie diaz". *sigh* so i guess i have to settle with a blog entry regarding the ups and downs of having an incredibly "involved" mother.

pros:

i never have to worry about dealing with grown-ups, whether it's just the irritating saleslady who won't pay attention to me or doctors who ask the most personal questions.

money is never an object. when you're with mommy, there's no such thing as budgeting.

i can get away with every single gimmick, no matter how late or how far as long as i use our car.

98% of the time, i can get ANYTHING i want.

i know..i'm spoiled as hell. but then again, there are downsides of having a full-time housewife as your mother.

cons:

she can get really clingy at times. (and even demands you to go out with her..you do get bribed for it though.)

she's sometimes too sensitive regarding you having a life apart from her. (i didn't go home for a day and a half because of a project and she's already telling my bestfriend i don't want to go home anymore.)

she can get controlling over the most personal things about you. (she got angry and didn't speak to me for a long while just because i had my hair cut without telling her. and yes, she answers for me as though she and i have the same menstrual cycle.)

all in all, having mommy is THE greatest thing on earth. but then when you think about all the freedom you could be experiencing..well, that's another story. still glad she's there to support you even if you're absolutely DEAD WRONG. hehe.

just wish i could go the ob-gyne on my own. hahaha. un lang pala. ;P

pain to the highest level

2005-12-31T14:55:00.000+08:00

this is the year i've had the most heartaches. and to think that i dreamt 2005 would be my year. i had envisioned that by april 16, 2005, a thousand days since i've met mr. psychic vampire, i would be freed from his bite. yet i guess it wasn't meant to be. this christmas break, i was FINALLY able to come into terms with what happened. and yes..i have somehow been scarred for life. however, when i saw him two days ago, it wasn't the same. sure, he was with a new girl yet my heart did not constrict in pain as i imagined it to do. i was able to laugh with them, to smile at her. and not once did i wish to be the girl he was with that night.

at long last, i can bid goodbye to him. yes his bite has created a scar that will last a lifetime. but then, i can finally look him in the eye, and genuinely tell him, "i'm happy for you."

despite the fact that HE doesn't affect me anymore, i've got two new problems to deal with. first of which is the fact that i am unable to notice straight guys when gay men are around. in relation to this i have become addicted to pain. because i am no longer able to like any other guys unless they are homosexual, i have opened myself to relentless opportunities that will cause me heartache. after all, i will always be subjected to the pain of unrequited love since i have chosen to love men who love other men. now, i need higher doses of "ouch" in order to affect me.

look..i'm giving myself away here. ayos lang na masaktan. basta ikaw.

what a year

2005-12-30T20:53:00.000+08:00

tomorrow is the final day of the year. seems like it's time i look back on everything and everyone that has created a big impact on my life.

first quarter of the year..

events:
i was battling with the idea of shifting to film. kuya mel won though and i ended up applying for another "safer" course instead. i was also preparing for my debut.

people:
i was getting over mr stroll. jumped onto liking guy#3 and another blockmate.

second quarter of the year..

events:
i had my debut april 8, 2005. a week after my actual birthday. kuya mel, ate ayen and kuya jec made the whole event possible. i also made the final decision of shifting out of biochem to diliman. bade goodbye to my blockmates and my manila life.

people:
i became the official "bridge" of the k-k loveteam. guy#3 made our lives complicated but we're still friends, thank the universe. also had this fling with a guy from upm. ended just after school started.

third quarter of the year..
events..
i had a hard time adjusting to upd life. it was totally different from upm. i had to deal with keeping myself company and the huge campus with a such a big population.

people:
i started to like the "prince".

fourth quarter of the year..
events:
i finally started to feel at home at upd. i also finally started to open up to new people.

people:
i lost my bestfriend and the "prince" because they chose a homosexual relationship over me.

so that's just the basics of what happened to me. of course the tianx are a staple part of my life. they are the bestest friends i could ever have. indeed, nothing beats hs friends. and really, i'm so thankful to my family. whenever i needed to get out, they were always available to me.

lalala. this somehow sounds pathetic. a WHOLE year of singlehood. but then again, i'm happy. really. coz honestly, there's only one type of guy i want to be with. and most probably, that type of guy would never go for me anyway. after all, i am a GIRL. so maybe i am doomed to get my heart broken over and over again because i love GAY MEN too much. however, it doesn't matter. unrequited love is a part of my existence. i can't imagine going for just any guy just for a relationship. it's the guy i want to be with or no one. ayoko madevelop. gusto ko, ung gusto ko talaga. if it's not him, wag na lang.

hello to another year of aika's singlehood. oh yeah.

oh..and i mustn't forget. i CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM.

lalala

2005-12-30T01:51:00.000+08:00

hohoi..nakakamiss magblog. pero nakakatamad magrecap.

***

sa baguio..ayun, sa pinakaunang pagkakataon EVER ay nagpasko kami na walang bisita/bwisita. at infairness, napakasaya pala. at grabe na ang kababuyan namin. lamon to the max. in all my 18 years, this christmas ang may pinakamasarap na handa EVER. pagkatapos ng holiday festivities, iniwanan kami ng parental units..siyempre, walang magawa kung kaya't naubos ang panahon namin sa panonood ng MMFF entries at pag-inom ng kape. lalala.

***

happy new you ang drama ko ngayon. have to look different kahit papano sa pasukan. so i'm hoping to drastically change how i look. at siyempre how i feel na rin. first stop, derma. allergic pala ako sa sunsilk shampoo pati na rin sa closeup toothpaste. *sigh* resigned to ivory and colgate. rarr. second stop..hair salon. i want blue hair..kaso nagpakasafe ako at nagparebond na lang..but then again, blue hair parin! next stop..wardrobe? japanese fashion na ba ito?

***

i'm on a diet rin pala. i need to. after all the lamon fests i've had. it's imperative. pero infairness lang naman, i'm actually inspired not to eat. o diba? panalo. ahem. guess i've found that other d***** to make me thin again.

***

speaking of reasons to diet..well, he is just too damn special. and in all honesty, i think i might be willing to risk a WHOLE LOT of stuff for him. no matter how special he is to me, i've got to remember NOT TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM. mahirap un, TODO. pero kaya. may mga bagay na mas mahalaga sa pag-ibig. pagkakaibigan, pagtupad sa usapan..SIYA.

haaay..mahirap to. pero KAYA.

***

bading rin pala siya. nasense ko na. kaso pinatay ko ang gaydar ko hoping for the best. to no avail. kaya pala he was so unreceptive to my friendliness/flirting. oh well..may reason to get thin naman na eh. ayos na rin.

***

muling ibalik? you brought me back to the carefree days of our youth. SALAMAT. nakakamiss rin pala.

***

hindi niya ako tinext. i'm tempted to believe he's just not that into me. but then again, bakit pa ba ako nagtataka? ewan. pero nakakamiss pala. hahanap-hanapin ko rin pala siya. yikes.

executive lounge!

2005-12-20T06:18:00.000+08:00

shout-outs muna dahil aking-akin ang computer dito sa executive lounge sa westin philippine plaza..

happy birthday kuya mel!
congratulations and best wishes kay ate mm and kuya gb!

ang saya ng buhay dito..pahotel-hotel na lang! orayt. sana may ikasal uli! :) so how was the wedding? well for starters, ZUPER antok ko plus DEATH pa ang lamig sa manila cathedral..so muntik na ko makatulog sa simbahan. ganyan talaga pag napapanis ang laway at ang nag-iisang companion ay ipod. pero inFURness naman sa reception..LOVE the food! and it was fun..didn't have to resort to my bestfriend mp3 player. nabiktima pa ako ng garter game..tsk tsk. SINGLE lady kasi! ayan..haaay..ang DAMI talagang papable OLDER men!

and speaking of older men..panalo rin pala ang workshop namin nung sunday. just recently discovered this totally HOT 40-year old man. and he's single!!! *ahem* and FINALLY, i was able to actually talk to the very first guy i crushed on. kaso he's gay. but then again, does it matter? hindi ba un naman talaga ang type ko?

ate says i'm "doomed" to wind up with a marriage similar to ogie diaz's and his wife. the weird thing is, i've accepted that possibility and am actually looking forward to it. i don't know..but i just LOVE GAY men! *sigh* (not closet queens though..i'd rather you admit straight out you are gay..than fool me into believing you're "straight")

***

ang layo niyo! wish i could see you for christmas..kaso kelangan ko pa mag-road trip or worse, lumipad JUST to see you. can't wait to see you again though. *jump jump*

***

got a text from a past fling..was weird. he apologized out of nowhere. have no bitter hang-ups with him though. sana we could still be friends..or balik dati. after all..ang SAYA naman nung summer na un. kahit natapos nga lang nung magpasukan. hehe..

***

parang ang puno ng buhay ngayon..kahit na nagdradrama kami ni rai na "malamig" ang pasko..actually, hindi rin pala. parang i have a lot more things going for me right now. guess everything was and is REALLY WORTH it!

ang pagtanda ni aika

2005-12-17T08:20:00.000+08:00

shikes! tumatanda na ako. so ngayon ko lang daw ba nafeel? at siyempre, kelangan ng reason kung bakit ko naramdaman yun. eto ang the reason.

i chose to squeeze between a relentless, excited mob of curious first-timers, "traditional" viewers and pervs just to see a number of frat men run naked in front of me for about 30 seconds THAN to maneuver my way to the front of a concert that i could actually SEE handsome faces and talent for at least a proper set.

shikes! i guess i have outgrown my "teeny-bopper" band fanatic days. i mean, i saw kerwin and richard tan and didn't even bother to say hi to them. and the most surprising thing was that instead of actually trying to SEE the concert, enya and i chose to sit around and LISTEN instead. i feel like my mom chaperoning me to all the parokya ni edgar gigs of my youth. (haha..careerin ang katandaan! tama yan!)

yep..i feel old. and truly NOT high school anymore.

***

btw, next time na lang ung oblation run pics. hindi ko parin chinacharge ung cam. hehe.

***

since nag-oldies effect kami ni ens, masyado naming dinamdam tuloy ang mga "sawi" songs for all of mellow's sawi friends (na actually kami..haha!)
here are some of the shikes lines..

ano ba talaga ang gusto ko? ang beer na 'to o ang pag-ibig mo? - beer, itchyworms

gusto ko lang maranasan ang langit, tumibok muli ang puso - tumatakbo, mojofly

'di ka na nangangarap,'di na rin naghahanap, tanggap lang ang kahinaan - ikot, stonefree

grabe na..it's not that i have the "i-need-a boyfriend blues" gaya nang inaakala ng lahat. and no, i don't feel lonely either. i just..want to crush on a guy who ISN'T a jerk. pero wala na atang hindi jerk ngayon. haha. joke lang. pero seriously, my problem according to ate is my taste in men. sabi ni beba, i have an avant garde taste. at dahil sa kakaibang taste ko, i usually go for guys that NO ONE else likes. problema, dahil hindi sanay ang mga lalaking itong merong may gusto sa kanila, nagfifeeling tuloy. maybe i ought to start crushing on hearthrobs. atleast sanay.

I NEED A CRUSH WHO MAKES ME HAPPY. HAPPY LANG. WALANG HEARTACHES INVOLVED.

***

i can't believe he ACTUALLY remembered my name! *KILIG*
haaay..ang GWAPO mo!
kaso WALANG pag-asa! :(

sawi nanaman ako sa napili ko! tsk tsk.

***

it seems that i suck at being a friend. or atleast according to people i can hardly call "friends" anyway. shikes! minsan talaga may mga taong atribida. grrr..if you don't understand, don't even try to interfere. at dun sa taong i wasn't a good friend to..uh yeah. right..tama 'yan. masama ka pag SANE ka. FINE. then i'd rather be EVIL than CRAZY. have fun in your own twisted world.

ang saya magpost ngayon. :)

2005-12-14T06:23:00.000+08:00

yehey! nakakaengganyo magpost ngayon..dahil FINALLY tinopak na ako ng kasipagan at binago ko na ang lay-out ng blog na ito. tuloy ang TAGAL rin bago nabuhay muli ang blog na ito. oh well. :)

paalam sa prinsesa..paalam rin sa mga bagay at taong dati'y napakahalaga. salamat sa alaala. natuto rin naman ako. sana maging masaya KA. kayo. hanggang ngayo'y hindi parin ako makapaniwala sa mga kaya mong gawin. pero siguro hindi kita lubos na kilala. at hindi ganun kahalaga ang samahan. kaya paalam. magkita man tayo, eh di magkita. haha. wala rin namang halaga.

paalam matalik na kaibigan. IKAW NAMAN ANG BUMITAW. NAGPARAYA LANG AKO.

bilang pagtanaw sa mga TAONG nagpapasaya ng buhay diliman..<3

UP CINEMA

ILAN ang KRAS ko dito?:p

silakbo ng puso

2005-12-13T23:44:00.000+08:00

ang silakbo nga naman puso..pati ang mga katarantaduhang kaakibat nito. tsk tsk. hindi na ata maaaring mabiyak ang puso ko. whoah. ang drama. pero seryoso. gaya nga ng sabi ni kelly clarkson, how can my heart break if it what isn't even whole in the first place? sige..dahil namiss ko magblog sa blogger dahil tamad akong magpalit ng template, hahabaan ko ang post ko.

magbibilang na lang ako.

ano nga ba ang mga katarantaduhang nagawa ko dahil lamang sa silakbo ng puso? *ahem* (hindi na kasama ang hayskul..dun talaga SOBRANG DAMI)

sa UP Manila:
1. first week ko pa lang..ang "kuya, pwede mo po ba akong ipakilala sa kanya?" incident na isinulat ko pa dun sa papel nung nag-game. yikes!

2. "excuse me po, pwede po bang magpapicture?" (hello aika..hindi celebrity ang taong un..)

3. strolling sa pedro gil

4. ang mga "nood tayo ng concert" estilong bulok

5. ang jacket/cd gift na idineliver pa sa alabang..(take note: fairview ako nakatira)

6. ang pagkaladkad kay kuya sa starbucks para lang makita ang aking crush na nakapalda (hindi naman girl un..hehe)

7. ang mga *ayokong idescribe* na text

8. ang "andun ka sa blog ko" cherva

9. ang mga confrontation na uncalled for

10. ang mga phone conversation na ako ang dehado

(marami pa yan..kaso nakakatamad na.)

sa UP Diliman naman:
1. ang muntik ko nang pagsali sa babaylan..(yes..i LOVE gay men)

2. ang paghabol ko sa isang varsity softball player..yikes!

3. ang pagsama sa rally..hindi sa hindi ako sanay pero dahil ang rason ay tao..hindi ung "cause"

4. ang pagtambay sa gym na SOBRANG lapit sa palma hall

5..wala na. bumalik kasi sa UPM ang silakbo. kaso hindi rin natuloy..so wag na un. kasi asa UPD na nga eh.

may 6 at 7 na ako. :) kaso baka may makabasa..kaya pagtapos na lang ang silakbo..saka na lang.

back to normal

2005-10-28T13:16:00.000+08:00

things are back to normal..or so i wish to think. at least i am able to prevent myself from barfing whenever that incident is mentioned. but then again, i wasn't able to get out of the situation unscathed. seems like i lost a friend in the process. *sigh* what people give up for their prides..i don't know.

onto the prince..well, he's unavailable to me right now..and he will be 'til the 2nd. so i guess i'll be missing him..

i'm going out of town..finally. what a waste of a sembreak. *sigh*
going to guinayangan on sunday..and puerto with the tianx on thursday.

i'm bored. and down. for what reason, i can't really explain. must be the weather. smile ka na lang aiks..

pag-iwas

2005-10-24T18:52:00.000+08:00

anong balita sa'yo aiks?
wala naman..

mula nang nanggaling ako sa bahay nina kring, tulad ni orly ay may nagawa na rin akong resolution. mula ngayon ay kakayanin kong mabuhay mag-isa. ayoko na mangailangan ng advice..o nang taong makikinig sa mga monologue ko tungkol sa mga walang kwentang isyu ng buhay ko. mula ngayon, movie marathon ang kasagutan ng boredom. at pagdating ng pasukan, kareeran na ito. kelangan ko ng uno average. haha..asa pa. pero hindi nga. ayoko na mainvolve sa mga tao. (ows? talaga? aiks..kaya mo ba?) mahirap..oo. ako pa naman ay isang social person. pero kahit na. retreatism muna. siguro naman..hindi na ako masasaktan.

teka..mamaya naman, i am merely avoiding confrontation? haha..ewan. un na nga ata un. o basta..ewan. haha.

will my moment of ecstasy last?

2005-10-19T10:13:00.000+08:00

mahirap magsalita nang tapos..kaya please take note na ang mga pinagsususulat ko dito ay pawang mga reaksyon at damdamin sa eksaktong oras ng pangyayari..

sa ngayon, masaya ako. hindi naman pala sawi si ariel. bago siya maging seafoam ay sinagip siya ng kanyang prinsipe. balik sa dati ang lahat. o hindi ba mas masaya pa?

nagpapasalamat ako. sa lahat lahat ng sakit at luha at pagmuukmok na naramdaman ko. dahil sa mga bagay na iyon, mas natututo akong magmahal..at magbigay. wag ka mag-alala. kahit ano pang mangyari, dito lang ako. hangga't kailangan mo. :)

masaya lang kami

walang disney sa totoong buhay

2005-10-15T02:08:00.000+08:00

handa ka bang magparaya para sa taong mahal na mahal mo? kaya mo bang pakawalan ang taong pinakamamahal mo upang maghanap ng pagmamahal sa piling ng iba, specifically kaibigan mo? kaya mo ba siyang tulungan sa kaibigan mo kahit na madudurog sa proseso ang puso mo? kaya mo bang kalimutan ang iyong sariling kapakanan para sa ikasasaya niya? hanggang saan mo ba kayang ibigay ang buong pagkatao mo para sa kanya?

ako nga naman talaga si ariel. kaso never ako naging prinsesa ng prince eric ko. dahil kahit na ibinigay ko na ang lahat ng pride at kahihiyan ko para sa mga paang pwedeng gamitin para mapalapit sa kanya, hindi parin niya ako minahal. ay..hindi pala. minahal niya ako. bilang kapatid nga lang. kung kaya't nagpakasal siya sa iba at ako'y naging seafoam na lamang. haaay..ang saya. sa totoong buhay, walang disney. kaya hindi nagiging prinsesa ang mga hamak na sirena.

mahal kita..kaya kapalit ng buhay mo o ang pagbalik ko sa pagiging sirena, pinili ko na lang maging seafoam. atleast masaya ka kapiling ang prinsesa mo. at ako..kahit naglaho na lang ako sa buhay mo, napatunayan ko sa sarili ko at sa mundo na mahal talaga kita. kahit ikaw..hindi mo nadama.

maghahanap na ako ng ibang mundo

2005-10-14T22:32:00.000+08:00

at akala ko namang masaya na kami at hinding-hindi na niya ako paiiyakin muli. how totally naive..o baka tanga lang talaga ako? o kaya bulag..ay hindi..worst. nagbulag-bulagan. mahirap talaga harapin ang realidad. mapait. masaklap.

maiintindihan ko naman kung may gusto siyang iba. ay duh??? obviously..as if naman magugustuhan niya ako ever. pero the fact na kaibigan ko. tapos may supposed "thing" o kung ano man sa pagitan namin at nung gusto niya noon. shet. malala na ata ang sitwasyon.

pero hindi..it gets worst. ibinuhos ko ang lahat ng frustrations ko sa best friend ko. only to find out na ang nag-iisang bagay na may pakelam siya ay kung gusto rin ba nung kaibigan namin ung mahal ko. pucha naman. nakakagago na. pati best friend ko. nag-iisang taong nandiyan nung iniwan ako sa ere ng mahal ko. pinagpalit ako. para sa kaibigan ko rin.

ay ang saya. baliw na ang mundo. o ako lang? pero tang ina..kung ganito lang ba ang mundo, ayoko na dito. hahanap na lang ako ng ibang mundo. na hindi na ako masasaktan ng mga taong pinapahalagahan ko nang ganito.

recaps of days spent with you

2005-10-13T02:02:00.000+08:00

so much has been going on..i haven't been able to update this blog in awhile. was too busy ranting on my friendster blog. suddenly though, i have lost ALL interest in friendster. it's not coz of my so-called "admirers" although their messages DID scare me somewhat. it's actually because of HIM. and me. and aika's stupidity, yet again. but then, i am getting far too much ahead with my story. what has happened so far?

well..after all the drama..you'd think everything would FINALLY be ok. but then, it seems HINDI talaga pwedeng ok lang. it seems conflict is SO necessary in our "relationship" or whatever it is you could call it..connection, maybe? so what am i blabbing about anyway?

september 23, 2005
this was actually my parent's anniversary..dad wasn't home though. headed to upm in "pink-pacute-porma".:P for the first part of my stay though, my efforts went highly unappreciated. i ended up clinging to alphius while HE decided to get all kilig coz his prof-crush was around. *sigh*

he made up for it though. i guess. although maybe he did it out of guilt. but then, for whatever reason, he was really able to make me feel better. but then, jealousy got the better of me..and him? (or wala lang siya mahirit?) any case, LQ? oh well..i did go back to diliman with a giddy, wistful smile on my face. so even after all that drama that day, i somehow didn't wind up in tears.

tulog effects namin ni alphius

bago sumibat puntang diliman

september 28, 2005
this was another story though. it started with kerry and i having our usual fun. who'd have thought he'd get so inis that he won't talk to me the whole day? i even skipped our last socio 10 meeting with randy david to hang out with them. but what do i get in return? snubbed efforts to start a conversation and unreturned hugs. i was so sad and frustrated, i wound up crying in rob manila no less. and when we did talk later on that night, it was just so tense and forced, it made me even more sad. after this, i vowed i would think of him as a friend. that's it. so that maybe i wouldn't end up in tears every single time i go to upm.

as an afterthought, i visited upm that day to be sure of my feelings for him. so that i'd know whether whatever kilig i was feeling over a certain amphibian was true or just a result of my unrequited love for him. who'd have thought my feelings would get even more muddled than they already were?

october 3, 2005
we didn't see each other this day but this was our first conversation after the blowup that wednesday. this was also the night every single one of my so-called "admirers" (ngek!) were texting me. if they only knew i was only replying because i was talking to him. and if i wasn't, i'd be answering my socio 11 final exam.

it's all too weird though. i still haven't changed. until now, i will drop everything for that one special guy. no matter if i might end up cramming. (although cramming is one of my perfected skills and maybe late night conversations do wonders for my grades)

the highlight of our whole conversation was after minutes of wala lang kwento..he interrupted me and told he missed me. *jump jump* (and maybe i would've..if kuya mel and ate ayen weren't around to witness my utmost giddiness) the lowlight of the conversation however is that aika basically confirmed that the one he was crushing on might be crushing on him too. stupid. shot through the heart with the same arrow i fired. tsk tsk. so after this night, i have learned to despise friendster. and i would NEVER again look for possible "partners" coz i might end up not only jealous but be with an actual reason to be jealous over. grrr..ayoko na!

october 8, 2005
the happiest day since that fateful crying scene that september 5 was cut short by kuya's kasungitan. grrr..oh well. everything was still perfect. he was him, only a million times better. i mean i love him just as he is. even with all the kasungitan and the mood swings and stuff, i love him, the whole of him. but that saturday, he showed me that the perfect guy actually exists. in him. he was just so sweet, so attentive, so caring, so THERE. i just can't fully describe my happiness that day.

it all sounds so wonderful. so perfect. so real. but what if it was just a fluke? what then? can my heart possibly take another tear-filled ending to a upm visit?

pacute namin ni kerry

remembrance? haha..:P

october 11, 2005
i honestly thought at the beginning that i was just fooling myself last saturday. i thought i just conjured every single wonderful image. yet, he made up for it afterwards. even if this time he wasn't that perfect, i loved him even more. because this time, i am assured this is real. and that he is making an extreme effort so i would never cry anymore.

i thought it was enough

2005-09-07T10:08:00.000+08:00

we had everything. he was more than just a best friend. i poured my whole soul to him. and for some reason, he did too. i knew him. i understood him. we had something special there. but i guess it just wasn't enough.

i was so content with what we had. i was happy just being special to him. just being the light of his life. but after the incident this monday, i can't go back to pretending this was all i felt for him.

as of this moment, he is now fully aware of how much he means to me. and really, i love him. so much in fact that i'm willing to pretend that i'm ok. that there's nothing in this world i want more than for us to go back to the way we used to be. even if it's eating me inside. even if all i want to do is love him. be there for him.

i guess i can still do that. i used to do that. but now, i feel like i don't even have any right to do such . after all what are we? we're just special friends. and i have no alternative but to accept that it's all we'd ever be.

wala nang pag-asa pa

2005-09-06T00:00:00.000+08:00

umiyak ako kanina. katabi ko siya pero hindi niya alam na siya iniiyakan ko. at hanggang ngayon naiiyak parin ako. tapos na ang drama tungkol dun sa revelation ni kerry. wala na akong pakialam. ngayon, takot na takot ako. nangangamba akong maaaring eto na ang katapusan ng lahat. masaya kami, oo. pero hindi posibleng ganito na lang parati. lahat ng bagay ay may katapusan. at mukhang narating na namin ito. mabubuhay kaya ako na wala siya? pero kakayanin ko rin bang magtago habang buhay? death. ayoko na. ayoko na talaga. iiyak na lang ako.

i can't bear to lose you

2005-09-04T22:05:00.000+08:00

in a small, hesitant voice, i blurted out the statement that made me so vulnerable. "nahanap ko na sa kanya ang lahat." i never would have imagined whatever it is between us to end up this way. i was shocked when i realized what i just said. horrified even, as andrew and i continued talking. pero really, truly, honestly, i found every single thing i ever admired and loved about my guy friends in him.

he possessed:
1.andrew's listening skills as well as his "being there".
2.alphius' sweetness and touching concern.
3.orly's kakulitan, humor and frankness.
and believe it or not, i found in him..
4.kevin's special "something".

as an afterthought, i realized he didn't have kirstoff's tigas-ness. but then again, "who REALLY needs tigas?", as andrew did say.

i'm scared, frightened beyond words. everything is happening too fast, too intensely, too soon. i am rising to the top in break-neck speed. but what if my gas tank hits empty? i can't crash back down to the ground. that would be devastating. i would simply die. because it would feel like i lost not only one friend but four. not just a best friend but the only person who ever understood and accepted me as just plain old aika.

gusto ko magblog eh

2005-08-27T00:37:00.000+08:00

for posterity's sake, i HAVE to keep my entry about poppert. but then, he's probably the least person i should be blogging about. oh well..it's over. i've learned my lesson. no more guys with to-die-for singing voices. i just end up feeling like crap. it's totally not worth it.

so wait, why am i bothering to blog once again?

i feel like i ought to write something. i must get this off my chest. honestly, i feel lousy being in diliman. i should be happy. this is my world. or atleast it USED to be. i guess i can't go back. not now when manila has changed me in so many ways. yet, i am stuck. stuck in a course that isn't allowing me to reach my full human potential. stuck missing people that weren't there to make me change my mind about shifting. stuck loving some guy who's there while i'm here.

i feel so bad. it feels like i left for no logical reason at all. the tianx aren't even making the move worth it coz we hardly see each other. or maybe i just am clinging onto him, them? maybe that's why i feel so rotten all of a sudden.

maybe things could've worked out between us. but with me an hour away and their hectic sched, how can it? my only consolation is that i might not even recognize this feeling if i was back there.

yes, i'm ranting about this guy. i'm totally missing him. yet my troubles are just beginning. i was totally sure of myself. i thought since things didn't work out, i was over this other guy. but how can i explain this dull ache in my heart right now? argh..i guess you can never truly understand your own feelings..

anyone willing to help me forget my own issues? i am willing to listen, analyze and give advice regarding your love problems. i have credentials. i am a socio major. hehe..whokei, un lang. i would love to worry about your problems instead. sige na. hehe.

masakit rin pala

2005-07-16T01:33:00.000+08:00

he made me feel irritated to the extent that i just wanted to cry. but as kenn put it, "ibang level ang pagkairita ko sa kanya." so i guess i really am starting to fall for him. and i can't help but feel excited by the proposed plan-slash-bet-slash-set-up by kaye for the two of us.

just when i was just starting to warm up to the idea of the possibility of "us", he just has to deliberately burst my bubble. "bagay kaya kayo.." yeah right. kami? me and the guy i was sort of "using" to contact him? why couldn't he just have said, "bagay tayo"? haaay..nalulungkot ako. sana di matabunan ang "rally memories".

drama lang

2005-07-07T11:24:00.000+08:00

napagtanto ko lang na mahirap pala talaga bumitaw sa isang bagay (o tao) na mahalaga sa'yo. mahirap ito sa kadahilanang hindi ka pa naman talaga handang bumitaw ngunit kinakailangan na. at lalong mas nagpahirap pa sa sitwasyong ito ay ang kawalan ng matinong wakas.

sa ngayon, kahit alam kong kinakailangan na at wala nang patutunguhan ang aking patuloy na pagkapit sa mga pangyayari noong nakalipas na bakasyon, hindi ko parin magawang bumitaw. masyado ko lang sigurong hinayaang maging malaking parte ito ng buhay ko kung kaya't naaapektuhan nito nang matindi ang aking buhay kahit wala nanamang komunikasyon. masaklap pa sa lahat eh kahit na mayroong mga bagong sitwasyong hinahain sa akin dito sa diliman, tila binabalik-balikan ko parin ang nakalipas.

ayoko na. tama na siguro dahil mali na ito. kaso nga lang..asan ka ba para wakasan ito?

buhay upd

2005-07-03T20:02:00.000+08:00

my life in upd is GRADUALLY improving..at least i'm a bit more enthusiastic regarding my classes. still..life could still be a WHOLE lot better. promise, next sem, my classes won't suck. and hopefully..i'll be able to shift into BA Film and Audio-visual Communications. *keeping my fingers crossed*

NEWS:
CLOSE na kami!!! haha..assuming. sort of. i guess. i just hope he isn't in some kind of relationship right now. coz that would totally crush all my fantasies of hanging out with the badminton varsity/singing ambassador/tibak new "friend" i've acquired. haaay..he's got a lot going for him and i guess i'm not the first girl to notice that. but really, i just want to get to know him better. he seems like such a great person. i'm pretty sure i'd be missing out on a lot if i won't be given an opportunity to REALLY be his friend.

hopefully i could watch his trainings and games..it would give me something to do. after all, my schedule is too free. and it would help me to stop feeling miserable about everything i've left behind in upm..

drama..

POP-COLA IS NOW MY FAVORITE DRINK

after so long..:)

2005-06-27T11:07:00.000+08:00

has it already been a month since i have been here in upd? i can't believe so many things have happened. it has all been so overwhelming and "time-consuming"..or maybe it's just energy-consuming. in short, i haven't been able to blog for SO LONG because of the "adjustments". but now, i'm back and here's an update on my life so far..

SUBJECTS:

SOCIO 101
our professor is a hot mama..real eye-candy. but then the class is a complete ZERO..maybe even negative for cutie sightings. (haha..i'm so mean) but really, there isn't anything worth going to class for..except maybe to get all bibo and express my opinions and stuff. but then again, all my classmates are OLD..honestly, most of them look a LOT older than our prof. so being the "freshie" that i am, i'm sorta holding back in exhibiting my "brilliant" self so as not to risk being shot down by scary-looking upper upper classmen. hehe..

PAN PIL 40
our professor is this really really nice old man..however, him being nice doesn't make up for the fact that he keeps on REPEATING every single author's name or quote or whatever AT LEAST five times. and i find it so irritating that he keeps on having conversations with all the malikhaing pagsulat majors about this "akda" and blah without even considering majority of the class who haven't the slightest idea what they're blabbing about. and yes..i have failed once again in securing a class with cuties. another negative..tsk tsk.

FRENCH 10
french..it was SUPPOSED to be cool and all since i got partnered with the only decent-looking guy in class. but then, every single meeting, he seems to remind me more and more of kuya melden and he's losing whatever "it" factor that attracted me to him in the first place. not to mention he's quite old. and impromptu french dialogues get me all flustered and make me mispronounce incredibly easy vocab words..tsk tsk. and yes..the schedule doesn't help either.

SOCIO 11
let's see..i'll give this class a positive rating for cuties..but not really high. more of pwede nang pagtiyagaan. hehe..but atleast this class allows us to interact and stuff..it's quite fun actually..although our prof is quite intimidating. this is the best class so far in terms of "friends" and all..i actually feel i belong..to an all-guy group, take note. haha..i missed this.

SOCIO 10
in terms of cuties, this class is a bit sparse..but then i have papa badminton varsity player/great singer as my seatmate so i can't really complain. not to mention that RANDY DAVID is like the perfect prof, EVER. for me, he could go on and on and on forever and would still interest me enough to want to continue listening. wednesdays are the only days i feel like i want to go to up.

overall..i've lost in the pick for cutie-filled classes..but then, since i'm starting from the bottom, there's only one way to go..UP. hopefully next time i'd be able to have a REAL excuse to meet cuties. i can't possibly do another "james" here.

i miss UPM..i miss the cramped corridors and dark lighting of AS. i miss rob. i miss the block. i miss seeing people i know everywhere. i miss "all" the important people i've left..

but i will be happy here. things will start to get better..and maybe before second sem starts, i'll find my real place here in diliman..somehow.

social status

2005-05-30T10:18:00.000+08:00

i just thought of it today but really money is a problem. or at least, it is when you don't have any. i can't believe i'm making such a fuss right now but really, i can't help myself. i never imagined that sometimes people's social environments just don't meet. and the biggest problem of all is that no matter how one tries to adjust, even if both of you DO something about it, the fact still remains that there is an unbridgeable gap between the two of you. i guess no matter how you put it, social status will always come into play in any relationship. and there's hardly anyone can do especially if both of you are still dependents. maybe i bit off more than i could chew by wanting to expand my horizons and meeting all sorts of people. maybe it's time to go back to the small, comforting world i was used to. maybe then, i wouldn't worry so much about money matters. but then again, can i still go back? and more importantly, do i WANT to go back? at this point, not really..coz as selfish as it may sound, i'm willing to adjust for you hoping you'd adjust too.

and i think i'm falling..

2005-05-27T13:36:00.000+08:00

i wasn't really sure what i was feeling. i mean, i've known him since even before my 1st sem at UPM started yet we've only gotten to know each other "well" recently. i guess i still am uncertain. but then wednesday's sleepover made me see things differently.

i sat right next to my ex-crush. he was talking to me which he hardly ever does. but the weird thing was the fact that i didn't feel ANY thing at all. he was being really nice yet guy number 5's face kept flashing inside my head. i couldn't really concentrate on our conversation and i ended up staring at him blankly with a goofy smile on my face.

haha..so maybe what happened says a lot of what i'm really feeling. maybe i'm not just crushing on guy number 5..:)

i am 18..

2005-05-22T05:43:00.000+08:00

after a month and 21 days of being 18, i finally feel like an adult.

i am proud of myself. finally, i know how to deal with mind-boggling, heart-wrenching news without freaking out. finally, i am able to reason and justify rationally, logically and most importantly, calmly. and finally, i am able to speak my mind AND my heart without looking like a fool.

i feel different. i feel as though the past couple of weeks have helped me grow up in so many ways. i am thankful..

to guy number..5!!! (yep, bago..well, bagong luma):
i never thought i would write about you in my blog. but then, you have changed me in so many ways that i can't imagine how i was weeks before i've gotten to know you better. thank you for making me a better person..or at least someone i could be more proud of.

to guy number 3..
finally, we "talked". i guess things are resolved now..or at least on my part. thank you for being so honest. you know you will always be special to me.

to karls:
thanks..for caring. for wanting to be with me and really doing something about it. thanks for making me feel that being with the Tianx is still the best thing in the world.

to be:
thanks for our making me feel missed. i wish i could spend more time with YOU.

to pola:
thanks for sharing..no matter what, i'm here to protect you. i will always be "guy number 2" to your "girl number 2". :P

to mia:
thanks for still being the same shopping partner i had since sophomore year.

to ens:
thanks for knowing me inside out. i know i don't even have to say anything. you just know.

to beba, bogs, riva, pam, april..
thanks you guys. you complete me. i MISS you.

to andrew:
thanks for listening..and sa Fruits Basket DVD loan. hehehe..thanks for being there, just a text away. even if i'm being totally pointless and/or insensitive.

to kerry:
thanks for actually caring enough to want to help me with my "crush life". :P

to block 11:
thanks for two wonderful semesters. i will miss you. (kahit na hindi pa ko pasok sa upd)

i was monumentally dissed.

2005-05-11T19:34:00.000+08:00

yesterday.
i slept 5 AM.
set my alarm for 7 AM.
slept through the damn alarm.
luckily woke up at 8 AM.
took a shower, dressed and headed for UPM.
had to beg our driver to move faster than Pong Pagong.
literally ran towards UPM.
made it in just the nick of time.
then everything went downhill.

i saw him. then he had the nerve to get sort of annoyed that i travelled that far just to talk to him. i tried to talk to him. it was like talking to a stranger but worse. it was so awkward. not to mention nonsensical. it was as though i never knew him. or that we were never close. and the worst part of all wasn't the awkwardness nor the lack of "safe" topics to talk about. it was because it felt like he wanted to get away from me, to be anywhere but beside me as we sat for 2 hours in a class we both weren't even enrolled in. or maybe that wasn't the worst part..maybe it was our "parting of ways". he gave me this flimsy excuse that he'd be leaving so as not to talk to me further.

great. just great. that hurt. i was monumentally dissed. yet at least i have overcome my sleeplessness.

to guy number 3..
i did everything i could. i went to UPM just to see you. i TRIED to talk to you. i even told you EVERYTHING to make you understand. apparently, you didn't. i made my move and i guess it was futile. it's your turn now coz i'm not going to do anything anymore.

i'm trying..coz i feel something for you

2005-05-09T00:06:00.000+08:00

we went to baguio. it was cool. we met mike and pj. these two guys from the band liquid apples. they were really nice and they played well. people reading this ought to watch them. :)

but really, why did i feel the need to blog right now.

guy number 3..
you know how i feel for you. and you know how YOU feel. i understand what happened before. and really, i will try to understand that it's somewhat happening right now. but maybe it's because you're letting it happen. i can't afford to lose you. you are one of my greatest friends. we have to work this out. can't you risk it? the same way i'm willing to risk it for you?

ayun lang. maybe you won't be able to read this. maybe you'd be able to. i just hope you are aware that i'm trying.

i'm guaranteed sleepless nights from now on..

i'm going crazy crazy crazy just thinking about you baby

2005-05-03T00:16:00.000+08:00

i can't seem to stop thinking about guy # 3 right now. i am so confused with what's happening or not happening between us. i don't think he's the type of guy i should fall for though. i mean, he's really sweet and sensitive. he's a true gentleman. he's intelligent and incredibly hardworking. he's one of the nicest guys i've met. i like him and he seems to like me too. but then, he's got all these other priorities..and i don't think getting involved with a girl is one of them. i want to think that maybe he would make this exception for me..but then, what if he won't? what then? argh..

wazzup wazzup?

2005-05-01T03:44:00.000+08:00

thursday: i was able to fix my UP papers with Kuya Mel's help! nako..MAHAL NA MAHAL ko na talaga si Kuya Mel. i watched "Can this be love" with Weng and Jaymer. it LACKED kilig scenes..but the kissing scene was DEATH. :P tas i became dr. love with Pola. PLUS guy number 1 and i prayed together.
friday: went shopping with mommy. then i got to talk to Andrew. and i became dr. love with him as well. plus my most recent ex-crush texted. how weird is that?
saturday: kath's debut!!! was REALLY REALLY FUN! gave Kath gcs that i hope she'd use with the right guy. :)

after everything that happened the past few days, i realized lots of things. first and foremost, i realized that a relationship with guy number 1 would never work out. we're far too different. and he has this way of making me feel so dumb and boring at the same time. i feel like i have zero personality and it isn't right.

i also realized that i LOVE guy number 2. i love him as a friend. i feel like my life just wouldn't be the same without him. he's just EXTREMELY fun to talk to. i always have the time of my life when i'm with him. i LOVE how platonic our friendship is despite the fact that we're so close. i LOVE the fact that we have this DIFFERENT relationship from all his other platonic friends.

the last thing i realized is that my relationship with guy number 3 is changing. he keeps on complimenting me. he gets all crimson when i tell him sweet stuff. he and i hang out together more than with anyone else. he got all guilty because he wouldn't go home with us. he gave me a different hug. he told me, "pag-socio tayo pareho, ibig sabihin nu'n.." (he didn't continue and just looked at me meaningfully) i think there are sparks between us. and he DID win the game proving he knows a lot about me. i..i don't know what to think. i think i'm starting to like him again..still, i'm not sure.

uh..i'm confused.

update update

2005-04-27T20:41:00.000+08:00

so what's been up with me? ehrmm..nothing? haha. i'm freakishly bored and dead-tired. i'm bored of my summer life and i'm tired of running around trying to fix my damn transfer papers.

update with guys number 1-4. haven't heard from guy 1 and 4 lately. guy 2 called me "my dear aika" (alright! *jump jump*) i know it's not much but if you know him, you'd understand why i'm getting worked up. he's anti-mush/anti- show of affection in anyway guy. and guy number 3..we got sentimental and mushy last night, it was funny. then he called me "sweetie". haha..then we saw each other earlier and he was majorly crimson! coolness! maybe there are sparks between us now. :)

recap..
thursday..went shopping for gelo's gift with my cousin and the GOF thing with guy number 1 i just want to forget ever happened.
friday..gelo's "surprise" bday. went to the movies with karls, be, randy and dapor. i must say for the record, randy is one of the NICEST guys i've met. plus him and karls make such a sweet couple.
saturday..i died of boredom.
sunday..i died once again?
monday..spent the afternoon with mia. it was great. just like the old times. although mia said up made me even more analytical than i was before. (ehrmm..really?) looking forward to belly-dancing! harhar..
tuesday..wednesday..worked on my transfer papers.

i'm bored plus i predict it's gonna be a fling-less month of May. argh! :(

full assessment

2005-04-20T04:13:00.000+08:00

everything that happened the past days since my debut has been nothing short of overwhelming. i am so confused that i have to resort to making this list in order to assess what has been happening to me. so really, what's up with my life right now?

guy number 1:
my sister absolutely adores him. he's different. he's out of this world. he's so interesting that i feel so plain and boring in comparison. he's arrogant and funny. he's everything i want in my so-called "dream" guy.

guy number 2:
my MOM likes him instead. i don't really have a crush on him but then i feel like i'm stuck in this "love quadrilateral" with him, my friend who has a crush on him and my ex-crush. he's a really great friend. he's uber uber nice to me. he's so smart and has the greatest hirits other than kuya.

guy number 3:
i used to like him before but i gave up on him because i didn't feel any sparks between us. he and i have this incredible chemistry on film though. we have this amazing friendship. we're so comfortable with each other that he's slept on my shoulder so many times already.

guy number 4:
he was my first crush in our block. he's the only lily i actually remembered dancing with because he was so graceful and light on his feet. i always get this giddy feeling whenever i'm with him. he's absolutely nice and a great artist too.

so what's up with all these guys?
well, if you've been following the developments of my so-called life, i have this huge crush on guy number 1. i'm so impressed with the guy he has become because i used to like him five years ago and lost touch with him as years went by. i rediscovered him because of my debut and got lost in everything about him. how he writes profound and uber deep commentaries about life, how he spouts off incredibly intelligent remarks, how he carries himself with extreme confidence..everything about him has made me want to have a "daily experience" of him. the problem is he sees me only as his "pare". and that's the most that i am too him. during one of those days i was so wrapped-up in guy number 1, guy number 2 texted me about my summer situation. it was incredibly surprising but at the same time very touching how he was all concerned about me even if he had no reason to be. i told andrew about this and he wouldn't stop trying to convince me that i was meant to be with guy number 2. of course, being wrapped up in guy number 1, i wasn't really listening. but then, the past few days, i didn't hear from guy number 1 at all. then just 2 days ago, guy number 3 texted me about my summer situation too. then we got into the topic of missing one another. i realized that it wouldn't be easy to replace him coz i was attached to the guy.

then everything went haywire yesterday. i went to UPM and saw guy number 3. and surprise surprise. he hugged me. and the weird thing was that, it was involuntary. as though it was the most natural thing in the world. later on, i bumped into guy number 2. it was so weird because i expected he'd be there this friday. NOT yesterday. and the weirdest thing of all was that he was the person standing ahead of me in line at the ocs. how can one explain that? of course, we had such a great time talking as always. and i realized that i would miss this guy SO MUCH. although we'd still be in the same campus, it wouldn't be quite the same to NOT have daily conversations with him. my cousin was witness by the way. and i think she's rooting for guy number 2 as well.

10:33 PM, i woke up with a start at the sound of mia's voice telling me i had a new message. guess who it was? it was guy number 4 and he was asking me about my summer situation yet again. we got texting and i couldn't help but feel SO HAPPY that he'd be transferring as well. the prospect of seeing guy numbers 1-4 in upd makes me want to start having classes now. we eneded up texting for some time and i got giddy again. after some time, i thought, why not try calling guy number 1. guy number 1 and i ended up sharing a historical moment with the announcement of the new pope. and my role as his "pare" was established further.

at this point, i don't know what to do or who to like. it's as if every one of the guys i'd miss terribly would be transferring to upd making everything even more complicated than i ever thought possible. i can't wait to walk along the sunken garden with each of those guys.

but back to my boredom situation. i still need a fling. who should i go for? :)

thoughts on transferring

2005-04-19T23:59:00.000+08:00

transferring to upd is giving me this strange feeling. it's surreal. i feel free. i feel as if i control my own destiny. i feel as though there are myriads of opportunities beckoning towards me. yet i feel as though i'm detached. as if i don't belong anywhere.

or maybe it's because i'm the only one not taking summer. am i this bored already that these thoughts are permeating my brain?

but really, i'm alright. once i get pass these momentary attacks of boredom, i know i will feel thankful. as one and a half months of early afternoon breakfasts and early morning bedtimes await me, i can't help but feel so fortunate.

and what makes everything so surprisingly better despite the fact that at times i feel bored out of my skull are the people. it's so strange that everyone seems to care MORE about me. or atleast those that matter anyway. i find it so weird that every single day, it seems as if there is one person who would surprise me with (take note) HIS concern for me. i feel i'm getting so pampered at the moment and i know i'm so going to miss this. but then, maybe i won't really miss it. coz after all, i am going to see THEM in diliman.

everything happens for a reason. sometimes, the whole world will conspire in your favor without you even knowing it. so maybe i should acknowledge what just happened. maybe because of some weird twist of fate, we are meant to be. :P

sana mabasa mo 'to.

2005-04-18T02:22:00.000+08:00

Dear ****,

Isinulat ko ang lahat ng bagay na nais kong matagpuan sa maaaring future boyfriend ko. Natakot ako. Natakot ako kasi tumutugma ito sa'yo. Na parang isinulat ko ang listahan na iyon upang umakma sa’yong pagkatao.

Ewan ko lang. o baka naman pinangungunahan ko na ang sarili ko. Masasabi ko ba talagang ikaw na 'yun base lamang sa mga tig-labinlimang minutong usapan natin sa cellphone dahil unlimited ako? O baka naman kelangan pa kita makilala nang mas mabuti.

Sa puntong ito, nag-aalangan akong mahulog sa'yo. Mahirap na nga namang masaktan muli. Oo, alam ko, parte un ng pagmamahal. Ang di kasiguraduhan kung mamahalin ka rin ba niya. Kaya nga lang, medyo pagod na rin ang puso ko. Hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko pang magmahal ng isang taong kahit kelan ay hindi naman ako makikita na higit pa sa isang kaibigan. O malala pa dun, nakababatang kapatid ng kaibigan niya.

Pero kahit na hindi ako sigurado at napipinto nanaman ang aking kasawian, tuloy parin ang laban. Alam ko nangyari na sa'kin 'to noon. High school pa tayo at siguro naman ay alam niyong lahat kung gaano nadurog ang aking puso sa pangyayari. Maaaring maulit muli ang insidenteng ito. Hindi mo naman siguro sinasadya pero maaaring masaktan mo ako ng higit pa sa naranasan ko noon. Pero hindi kita masisisi. At hindi kita sisisihin. Kagustuhan ko na ito. Masasaktan lang naman ako kung hahayaan kitang saktan ako. Pero wala naman akong ibang pwedeng gawin. Kasi napagdesisyonan ko nang ituloy ang nararamdaman ng puso ko. Sabihin na nating hindi pa kita lubos na kilala. Sabihin na nating maaaring ibang lalaki ang kilala kong ikaw at ang tunay na ikaw. Kahit na. hindi na ito mahalaga. Ang mahalaga sa'kin ngayon ay makilala at makasama ka.

Sana nga lang ay mabigyan ako ng pagkakataong lubos kang makilala. At siguro, pagdating ng panahon na iyon ay matutukoy ko na kung tama nga ba ang pagkakakilala ko sa'yo o hindi. Maaaring madismaya ako sa matutuklasan ko. Pero maaari rin namang masurpresa ako sa higit pa sa aking inaakala. Sino ba naman ang makapagsasabi sa ngayon na hindi mo kayang higitan ang "dream boy" ko? Kung anuman ang magiging resulta ng aking pagnanais na makilala ka, siguro naman ay mabibiyayaan ako ng kaibigan kung hindi man "kabiyak". (oooh..hehe!)

Kaya sana lang, hayaan mo akong makilala ka.

gusto ko lang sabihin

2005-04-15T03:03:00.000+08:00

you are so weird..so out-of-this-world. so eccentric. so one-of-a-kind. so original. you never fail to make me laugh. maybe that's why i'm starting to fall for you.

pix pix

2005-04-15T01:31:00.000+08:00

credits to cK. :)
after a million years ko pa ata makukuha ung pix eh..

panalong pic namin! hehehe..

cute namin ni beba..

wag na noh!

2005-04-15T01:15:00.000+08:00

akala ko ok na kami. akala ko ayos na ang lahat at ang "peace" period eh maglalast for a lifetime na. akala ko pwede kaming friends..platonic friends for life pagkatapos ng lahat nang nangyari sa pagitan naming dalawa. nagkamali ako. hindi kami pwedeng maging magkaibigan. masyadong kumplikado ang lahat. it's either kami o wala talaga. kaya wag na lang. ayoko na rin namang magkaroon ng part 3 kung ganun rin lang. siguro kung hindi pa ko nakatapak sa UP, ok parin ung ganung pagtrato. matatanggap ko pa. pero ngayon, matapos ang kuya melden part 2 at ang danlen hell episode ng buhay ko, hindi na. ayoko na ikompromiso ang gusto ko para lang sa kasiyahan niya. wag na lang. mas matimbang naman siguro ako dun kahit papano. kaya masaya ako dahil masasabi kong hindi na ako maaapi uli. o kahit papano, hindi na NIYA ako maaapi ngayon. meron rin pa lang silbi ang lahat-lahat nang inabot kong sakit. hehe..

i will not compromise my happiness just so HE could have what he wants. no thanks. :)

hindi niya mababasa 'to.

2005-04-14T02:46:00.000+08:00

mag-aalas tres na rin. anong ginagawa ko? sa mga oras na ito ay nagmumuni-muni ako tungkol sa pag-ibig. haha. tama 'yan. aika..matulog ka na lang. pero seryoso. ayoko matulog nang hindi ko naiintindihan kung anong nararamdaman ko.

una sa lahat, bakit nga ba nagmamahal ang isang tao? para kapag nababato ka sa kwarto mo eh meron kang matetext at siguradong magrereply siya dahil mahal ka nga niya? pero kasagutan mo lang eh textmate. o kaya ka nagmamahal eh para may makaladkad ka pag kelangan mo pumunta kung san-san? pero kaya nga may pamilya't barkada eh. hindi naman siguro kelangan "mahal" mo para maisama mo. o baka naman dahil ayaw mo lang ma-left out dahil ang buong barkada mo ay may significant other na? pero mabubuhay ka parin naman kahit pang-19th wheel ka na diba? eh bakit nga ba talaga? para makarinig ka ng "i love you" mula sa kanya? naman..sana hindi lang un ang rason diba?

pero ako? ano ba talaga ang rason ko para naising sana ay hayaan niya akong mahalin siya? simple lang. gusto ko lang maipadama sa kanya na mahalaga siya. na magaling siyang tao at napakaswerte ng mundo kasi may nilalang na tulad niya. whoah. purihin ba daw ng todo-todo? pero ano pa nga bang rason? gusto ko siyang makilala pa nang mas mahusay. nais kong malaman ang mga pinakamaliliit na detalye tungkol sa kanyang pagkatao. gusto ko na pagdating ng araw eh makakagawa ako ng biography niya na halos kasing ganda ng autobiography na gagawin niya para sa sarili niya. siguro gusto ko ring matarok ang kailaliman ng kanyang pagkatao at kaibuturan ng kanyang puso.

pero ewan..ung ibang rason, parang nais ko lang siya makilala. pero higit pa doon ang nais kong mangyari..nais kong maintindihan ang lahat ng bagay na nakakabwisit sa kanya. nais kong mahalin siya kahit na umabot na sa puntong ginagago na lang niya ko. ewan..gusto ko lang siyang mahalin talaga eh.

kaya lang, pwede ba?
tanong ko lang sa'yo, pwede ba kitang mahalin?
kahit ako lang naman eh..
basta ba magkaibigan parin tayo.
so pare, ok lang ba kung sabihin ko sa'yo na mahal kita? :)

inspirado! :P

2005-04-14T02:09:00.000+08:00

para sa kanya

isang kahapon pinagmamasdan kita
kumakanta't nagkakamali
nahulog ako sa isang sandali
isang kahapon pinagmamasdan kita
nagkalayo na tayong dalawa
ang pagkakatao'y lumipas na
ngayo'y pinagmamasdan muli kita
bakas ng kamusmusa'y halos wala na
ang mundo'y nangyari na sa ating dalawa
sandali sa ating kahapo'y maibabalik pa ba?
ngayon habang pinagmamasdan parin kita
masaya at malaya
walang kamuwang-muwang
na limang taon na kita pinagmamasdan

for astro guy

2005-04-13T09:53:00.000+08:00

it's YOUR night

i step down and look around
i exude radiance for it's my night
yet as i stare at you, i feel my lights start to flicker
you
you with the ******** hair and wide, puppy-dog eyes
yes, you with those ****, scuffed ***** and dark ******
you tilt your head back to laugh
and i can't help but smile giddily
without even trying
you exude more brilliance than i do
and i feel like it's your night and not mine
as i continue to stare like a spectator to an olympic performance
my lights have flickered for the last time
i look on and know
it's gonna be your night without even trying

-for astro guy. :P

muling ibalik nga ba?

2005-04-11T01:26:00.000+08:00

first love

of sunny afternoons and unexpected opportunities
of squeaky voices and messed up lyrics
of nerves galore and prides that are hurt
of stalker texts and growth spurts
of years that passed and our paths meet AGAIN
of reminiscing the carefree days and seeing you as MORE than a friend
of wonderful discoveries and a spark rekindled
of dancing with you and my feelings that became muddled
of finally realizing what i let pass me by...

wala lang naisip ko lang. i'm older and wiser. 18 na ako. maybe this time, i should listen to what my heart felt 5 years ago. before i experienced the bitterness and cruelty of this world.

revelations pa ba?

2005-04-04T14:34:00.000+08:00

3 araw na rin akong 18..
so ano bang nangyari sa mga araw na un?

april 1.
bday ko. gising ako hanggang mga alas-tres.
bakit ka mo? kasi magkausap kami ni andrew.
at sige na nga..iniintay kong batiin niya ko.
nagpapasalamat ako at naisipan niya akong itext kahit mga alas tres na. kundi, baka ndi na ako nakatulog.
maliban sa kanya na nagpasaya ng araw ko, napaiyak rin ako sa tuwa nina joshua, kerry, ang Tianx at si mommy.
nakakatouch ung message ni joshua. tas pamatay ung letter ni kerry. ndi ko inakalang ganun kaseryoso ung dulo nun. tas wala akong masabi sa tianx. nasurpresa nila talaga ako. wala akong kaalam-alam na darating sila. at ang tigas na si aika ay nauwi sa pagluha dahil sa thoughtfulness nila. tas siyempre..and ndi ko ineexpect na laptop mula kay mommy. waaaah!!! ndi ako deserving. pero ayun, alas-siyete pa lang sa unang araw ko bilang adult ay bagsak na ako sa kama.

april 2.
ung lts. hindi masyado mahalaga kaya wag na irecap. tas fitting ko. astig..pumayat daw ako. harhar. tas siyempre, kung kelan wala akong batt, bigla niya akong gugustuhing makausap sa telepono. sa totoo lang, ang hirap niya kausap. halos parang wala siyang interes. pero inilagay ko na lang sa isip ko na kahit papano, hindi lang naman boredom at excuse para makatakas sa pag-inom ang rason kung bakit kami nag-usap. siguro, kahit papano, gusto rin naman siguro niya kong makausap. ewan. pero kahit na halos walang kakwenta-kwenta ung conversation at napakadaming awkward pauses, masaya parin ako kasi nag-usap kami. sana maulit muli..

april 3.
nagising ako sa text niya. tas downhill na ang buong araw ko pagkatapos. natulog lang ako halos. at nag-aral nang konti. haaay..goodluck na lang sa removals ko. hehe..

alam na kaya niyang gusto ko siya? malamang. kasi matalino siya. pero baka naman hindi siya makapaniwala kaya ndi niya gets. pero ewan. bakit parang nagsusulputan ang mga "crush" niya mula kung san san? at parang ngayon ko lang naririnig ang mga un? o baka naman kasi close na kami ngayon kaya informed na ako tungkol sa mga napupusuan niya. siyempre, pinipilit kong wag maging gof kahit napakahirap at hurting ako. siguro hindi na talaga matutupad ung sabi ng cards. at malamang mababawasan ang desire ko na bumisita sa upm dahil sigurado akong masakit lang makita siya na masaya sa piling ng iba kasi hanggang matalik na kaibigan lang ang tingin niya sakin. argh! ayoko na.

dapat pa kaya niyang malaman ang tunay na nararamdaman ko?

wala..naisip ko lang.

2005-03-31T19:56:00.000+08:00

hindi ko maalala 'yung eksaktong "moment" kung kelan kita nagustuhan. iyon kaya ay nung pinipilit kitang tabihan sa ating mga klase kahit na hindi naman ako madalas umupo doon? iyon ba eh nung kahit anong init eh tinitiis ko para lang magamit mo ang panali ko sa buhok? eh nung dalawa lang tayong magkasama at pinipilit kong alamin kung bakit hindi ka pa nagkakagirlfriend? o kaya nung inasar mo ako sa kaibigan mo at nung napaamin mo ako eh nangako ka namang hindi mo sasabihin kahit kanino? o di kaya naman nung malapit na ang bday mo at naghanap pa talaga ako ng mga rock love songs para lang masabi sa'yo na sana mainlove ka na?

sa totoo lang, hindi ko malaman kung kelan nagsimula at aling eksaktong insidente ang dahilan sa pagkakahulog ng loob ko sa'yo. pero kahit na..sa ngayon, hindi na ito mahalaga. nalalapit na ang katapusan ng lahat.

sige na nga, ang OA ko naman. fine. katapusan lang ng 2nd sem ng freshman year natin ang tinutukoy ko. pero katapusan na rin kahit papano kasi lilipat na ako. hindi lang ng course kundi pati campus. at habang palapit nang palapit ang sandaling iyon, parang lalo MONG pinapahirap ang desisyon kong lumipat.

ewan ko lang ba o baka naman ngayon ko lang napansin. o baka kasi ngayon lang tayo talagang "nagbond". pero sa bawat pagkakataong nagkakasama tayo, at napag-uusapan ang aking nalalapit na paglisan, tila may nasasabi ka upang maramdaman kong ayaw mong umalis ako. oo na. sinabi mo na nga na higit pa sa limang beses na wag na akong umalis. sinabi mo nang hindi ako sasaya sa lilipatan ko at sa piling niyo (ng block) lang ako magiging maligaya. iminungkahi mo na nga sa kaibigan ko na itali na lamang ako para huwag makaalis.

pero bakit ganito ang iyong mga reaksyon? maliban sa pamimilit ng isa sa mga pinakamatalik kong kaibigan sa block, ikaw lang ang walang sawang nangungulit na wag na akong umalis. bakit? BAKIT???

senyales ba ito na gusto mo rin ako? o baka naman "naattach" ka lang sa akin at natutuwa ka sa pagkakaibigan natin? o baka dahil "one of the boys" ako? pero ganun pa man, hindi naman tayo GANUN ka-close para maging ganyan ang mga reaksyon mo..

naguguluhan na ako sa lagay na 'to. hindi ko alam kung anong mensahe ang nais mong iparating. pero kahit sadyang malabo at hindi maintindihan ang mga nangyayari sa pagitan nating dalawa, gusto ko lang malaman mo na gusto kita. gustong-gusto kita. ayun..wala lang.

haha..as if naman mababasa mo 'to. :P

2004-12-25T08:36:00.000+08:00

this would probably one of my last posts coz i'm going to stop blogging again. i'd probably continue blogging once i (start making and) finish the tianx blog. i'm going to stop blogging about my life for one reason.

coz i don't want to read my posts after i wrote them and realize that once again, i ranted about his lack of concern about me. so since i expect he won't ever change the way he'd treat me, then i might as well stop now. so..that's it. after all, i started blogging again coz of him. so it's logical to stop coz of him too. haha.

it's going to be a cold cold christmas for me.

i guess i have psychic ability. i said things would change when he'd get back. i guess i'm right.

haha..ayoko na. ayoko na talaga kahit na mahal ko pa siya.

2004-12-12T00:34:00.000+08:00

since everyone's making their christmas wishlists, i might as well make my own. what do i really want? erhmm..let me see.

i want...

* a new phone (nokia 7260)
* a digital video camera
* the COMPLETE dvd set of Friends
* a new watch
* jacketS
* Kenzo for men (coz Kuya broke the bottle) and other men's perfume

(i'm gonna add more stuff..these are just the first things that come to mind)

* more time with the Tianx
* the option to shift to Film
* his friendship...*tear*

2004-12-07T21:18:00.000+08:00

in line with all the typhoons our country has been experiencing lately, i'm on this trip of using my life as a metaphor of an island constantly bombarded by typhoons. so in short, i you don't understand, errr..well, intindihin niyo. you'll figure out what i'm taking about eventually anyhow. anyway, here goes.

it's still signal number 4 in aika-land right now. the super typhoon in my life is still there, hovering around everything i do. although i am somewhat fortunate to receive a smattering of rain here and there to parch the arid desert of my soul, the strong winds are uprooting whatever vegetation that has just bloomed. indeed, the devastation caused by the winds last wednesday, last friday and last night haunt me. still, aika-land manages to pick itself up from utter ruin and rebuild itself once again, eagerly anticipating the bursting of the clouds, the promise of rain.

yes, i'm setting myself up for misery. but then again, just a single raindrop can make me forget the intensity of the winds of that super typhoon. i know this is stupid. and i can NEVER expect a downpour. still, i am left with no choice but to hope for the coming of rain.

despite the fact that the super typhoon will be leaving soon, i can believe that maybe, while it's away, it would actually change direction and stay. and maybe then, aika-land would experience torrential rain at last.

on to other weather news, i wonder. why is it that the sight of certain tropical depressions causes me to break into a mega-watt smile but the sight of that much-awaited super typhoon causes me to run away and hide? i wonder.

2004-11-24T08:01:00.000+08:00

although i was wearing a girly porma outfit yesterday with matching heels, i still joined the rally yesterday at the congress. my outfit was a HUGE mistake. blisters everywhere. not to mention, i wasn't even wearing the right color for the rally. still, it was a GREAT experience.

i learned a lot of things actually. i realized how many people are greatly affected by the budget cut on education. it's not merely us UP students but other students from different state colleges and universities..even high school kids. i also realized that indeed, a lot of UP students are ilustrados. goes to show that up to now, the educated middle class are still the ones articulating the needs of the masses. unfortunately, we are and we will be favored much more IF the government DOES do something to somewhat alleviate the sufferings of the people. i was also introduced to the exact situation of the proposals regarding the education budget as well as the "allies" of the "iskolars ng bayan" in congress. it's really sad how terribly outnumbered they are since a lot of those in office are just mere pets of those in power. eventhough there are all these realizations that greatly disheartened me, there is still one reason to believe. or maybe reasons to believe. i bow to the dedication and commitment of the anakbayan members to fight for national issues and instigate awareness despite the apathetic reactions of most people. i am also even more impressed that there are 2 very active members that are now in med proper. it's really amazing how some people can balance acads with social causes. i wish i could do that as well. (is film and audio-visual communications calling me?)

speaking of my thoughts of shifting to UP diliman..i desperately need to make a decision soon. i can't imagine spending the next three years of my life studying chem..but then, i also can't imagine myself giving up on my so-called FIRST choice course. maybe the compromise is shifting to a health-science course in UP manila..or maybe i should just go for my dream and leave everything behind. i am TOTALLY confused and the parent factor(a.k.a. DADDY) along with the thought of leaving enya, block 11, 13 and 14 is making everything even more difficult. i desperately need help and unbiased advice. HELP!

2004-11-23T14:01:00.000+08:00

i actually have nothing to say but then i just want to blog. maybe because i'm bored. or maybe i do have stuff to say but i just can't say them? oh well..whatever. i'll just recount the things that made me feel *HAPPY* today. :P

1. my comsci crush who looks like DENNIS is our classmate in geo 11. (another reason to wake up HAPPY despite the 7am class)

2. infairness to him, he smelled great. he smelled like kuya..wala lang.

3. we were waiting for our PE prof, then suddenly, i saw HIS friend. i was surprised to see him there too. and yes..i acted so GOF along with our whole block. Eric was acting so obvious and speaking so loudly. AND Kev just had to make that "keep right" hirit. oh well..it was still kilig. :D

i just wish i had seen block 13 too..

2004-11-21T01:02:00.000+08:00

I'm sitting here in comsci 11 lab class feeling bored and SUPER sleepy. Then Roseann tells me, "Kelangan ko lang ng pampagana." I went to his blog and told myself, "Goodmorning Aika!" As I scrolled down his blog to see previous posts, I realized I skipped reading one.

And GOD, I don't understand why I felt tears forming in my eyes knowing that I was THE ONE advocating for him and his ex to get back together.I guess it's different when possibility becomes reality.

Fine, he DID say he needs someone else. Not his ex. Yes, not his ex. But certainly NOT me.

Even if I've found a "Kuya Mel-ish guy", I still find myself crying over him for the millionth time. I guess no matter what I say and no matter how everyone is against him, I can't help it. I can't help myself. I REALLY do love him.

I hope the cards are right. I CAN wait. He's WORTH waiting 3 years for. (Yup! Absolutely!) 10 years for..(Yeah, I guess.) Maybe even a lifetime for. (Weh! hehe.)

2004-11-20T08:59:00.000+08:00

OH GOD. i need help. i must STOP liking guys who aspire to be doctors one day. and i should STOP being attracted to guys from the SOUTH. my predicament right now is TOTALLY not helping me. i was better off before today happened. now, i'm EVEN more confused. i NEED help. i can't go on this way. must really start getting a life. or maybe i should just look at other directions instead.

i can't hope to find a VAST horizon here. maybe a NEW horizon is what i should aim for.

2004-11-17T06:54:00.000+08:00

i AM a social person. maybe that's WHY i'm NOT enjoying myself as i SHOULD be in upm.

today was a PERFECT day. (ok..i'm being sarcastic.) i mean, i went to school today excited about math 73 lec coz of SIR GEORGE. and i was hoping that since i saw sir sumalapao today, it meant some sort of sign that he was going to be our math 73 lab prof. but was i ever WRONG. some woman entered GAB 105 20 minutes after 12. i thought she was some SA. but NO, she was our NEW math 73 LEC teacher. GOD. WHY? i was SO EAGER to have sir george as our prof. so now, we're stuck with another teacher who's too nice for my taste. and we have ma'am bastero as our math 73 lab prof. GREAT. JUST GREAT. i can already sense another almost just above passing grade coming my way.

i KNOW i shouldn't be affected. but being the SOCIAL being i am, PEOPLE greatly affect my life. especially my studies. that's why i DESPERATELY NEED STRICT teachers, REGULAR gimmicks, VAST horizons and lots of INSPIRATION. as of now, i am BARELY getting any. maybe that's why i am contemplating once more the idea of shifting. and maybe that's the reason i am starting to LOATHE the rigid course schedule and block system.

oh GOD. i'm SORRY. maybe this is just pms or whatever. i NEED to get out before i go crazy and continue to sulk AND rant. sorry WORLD. i'm just angsty and frustrated. forgive me.

2004-11-16T12:17:00.000+08:00

i HAVE to start thinking positively now. especially since THIS sem would DETERMINE whether or not i would stay in my course. and well, i guess i have to at least be impartial so that if ever i do decide to shift, i'd know for sure i wasn't just shifting AWAY from upm.

so..what are the five things to look forward to this sem?

1. ~~having SIR GEORGE as our math73 lec prof.~~ (*jump*) 'nuff said.

2. having JAMES as my classmate in comsci11 lab. (ok..i'm getting ahead of myself. but then again, he has GOT to be my classmate. i mean, i'm on the lower end here. i would've GLADLY accepted OCHENTA as my partner rather than my CR-A assignment.)

my consolation is that lab and lec are corequites..so james would be our classmate in lec. YEY!

3. having ma'am ilao as our chem14 prof. i'm actually quite excited to start studying. after all, my performance would determine whether or not i'd be saying GOODBYE to the campus, the course, my blockmates, andrew and HIM.

4. going on TWO fieldtrips with my blockmates

5. ~~having NO CLASSES on wednesdays!!!~~

and of course, i'd be seeing HIM around in AS. (*jump jump jump*)

2004-11-13T13:07:00.000+08:00

you are what you wear. i never really gave much thought regarding the clothes i wear to school. as long as they were blue or white and comfortable, i was happy. but now, i realize that the kind of outfit and accessories i have on greatly reflect how i feel.

you know i'm depressed when...

i wear a floral skirt AND sandals.

i wear a girly top with matching girly earrings.

i carry a small kikay shoulder bag on an ordinary school day.

i get a manicure and pedicure for no apparent reason.

tomorrow, i won't be wearing any of these stuff anymore. my wave of depression is over.

i walked out of GAB 105 with my head in the clouds after sir george dismissed us. as i was heading towards the stairs to get to my next class, i saw HIS friend. i did a double take and couldn't believe my eyes. HE was sitting NEXT to his friend. i couldn't help but act so GOF..AND so TORPE. i couldn't even give a little wave or raise my eyebrows or whatever. after andrew and i were TWO flights of stairs away from them, i finally spoke. i was shell-shocked. i brushed the whole incident out of my mind, reminding myself this would happen a LOT now this sem. an orientation of chem lab, a panoceph x-ray, a manicure and pedicure at bench fix and dinner at piadina later, he was the farthest thing from my mind. who would've thought that while waiting for my brother's sandwich at cha-a, i would spot him? and yes..my mom wanted to call him AGAIN. but then, my threat of tears prevented her from doing so. i almost forgot about my books for math and chem but i was reminded by andrew's message. i dragged my mom to nbs and coincidentally, my beloved tutor was there buying books. then the tall, smart and handsome guy of our (many girls) dreams greeted me. i almost fell over. haha. then my mom showed up and thanked ricky for the nth time. coz he's such a humble guy, he didn't think much of it. then as we were walking out, i spotted HIM for the THIRD time TODAY. by this time, i couldn't argue with fate anymore. i couldn't allow the moment to pass by without even saying HI to him. so i DID. and my mom JUST HAD TO as well.

i am happy now. indeed, HE is the CAUSE and CURE of my depression.

2004-11-11T11:01:00.000+08:00

this is my 70th day blog entry. (was supposed to post this yesterday)

it's weird how differently you feel from merely imagining something and going through the real thing. all day, i was waiting to catch a mere glimpse of him. i waited and waited. i stared at their door hoping he would suddenly materialize from out of nowhere and greet me. i thought my day would end without seeing him at all. then when i finally gave up on the idea that i might bump into him, i see his friends at the same place i was. i look around a bit further and see him there. i suddenly lost my appetite. i couldn't breathe. i felt like throwing up. i don't know why he affects me this way. maybe i am getting in over my head.

all i know is that, i have NEVER felt this way before. and i have NEVER deliberately hurt myself just to see someone happy. i guess he's really different. or maybe what i feel for him is. i don't know. i CAN'T explain nor comprehend everything that's happening.

I JUST KNOW I WANT TO KEEP FEELING THIS WAY NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS.

2004-11-09T10:24:00.000+08:00

alright..i'm back sa condo and i've got approximately 14 hours until my first class of the second semester. oh god. help me. i am so NOT prepared to face a month of acads. especially since we'll be taking comsci 11 this sem. and the fact that andrew's NOT going to be my classmate in comsci 11 lab. WHY did this have to happen? WHY in the world that we'd be separated in one class and it JUST HAD to be comsci 11? god, help. i have absolutely no skill whatsoever with computers. i hope i'd be able to scrape a decent enough grade to match the feat of my first sem.

and yep, a new sem should mean new beginnings right? i remember telling andrew that i'd most probably have forgotten about him by the start of the second sem. well, guess what? i wasn't able to have that sem break fling. and yes, i ended up falling in love for the very first time for a guy who will NEVER reciprocate my feelings for him. great. just great. i can just imagine seeing him every single day for the rest of semester. i can just imagine myself getting all GOF. i can just imagine myself falling all over the place. i can just imagine myself staring at him from afar, wishing i could walk up to him to tell him how i feel. and sadly, i can just imagine myself eating my heart out at the sight of him wishing i would be 'fortunate enough' for him to consider me as a friend. oh well.

happy new semester to me! i hope i'd live through the comsci 11 hell and chem 14. i hope i'd get by without seeing the Tianx for weeks on end. and i certainly hope that i won't end up crying over him every single night until summer. sana lang talaga.

2004-11-08T11:28:00.000+08:00

"I love you" doesn't really mean that I want you to be mine. In fact, it's another way of saying, "I'm happy to see you happy with someone else even if it's killing me." So I guess I love you.

The perfect quote for my situation right now. I want him to be happy. So instead of telling him to move on and hint that there would be other people (like ME) who would be willing to love him, I sent him this message..

Hey..I read ur blog. Wla lng, i hope u're alryt. Neway, u myt not want to take advice frm me bt then, i thnk u and ur ex shud juz get bck togethr. I mean logically, since both of u are hurting and don't/can't seem to want to move on..Go for it. :) wel, that's my opinion anyway. God bles sayo. :) i hope u kn0w i'm here for u and that i care. Sana magng truly happy ka na. :)

At this point, I felt tears coming to my eyes. I mean, just imagining them together is slowly killing me. Witnessing them as a happy couple would probably be the death of me. But then again, I would be extremely happy for him. Happy for him yet devastated for myself.

He then replied..Pero, I broke up bcoz i thot we're btter off as frnds nga, and we rili are. Pro nt now cguro. Ders no pt in turnin bak..Hafta move on. Thnks anyway..:)

After getting this message, I felt somewhat outraged. He can't give up on his ex now. Not when I'm deliberately hurting myself to help him in his pursuit of happiness.

Not giving up, I replied..Pare, there's a point if both of u stil love each othr..And wel, 'better off as frnds' doesn't rily work. 2nd chances do work out nman. Oh wel..If that's how u feel, ang epal ko nman na mamilit. I juz hope u give d relati0nship a chance b4 u finally let go. Wla lng..Sori for interfering.

At this point, I am quite certain that I DO 'LOVE' him. Although I want him for myself, I will not hope to deny him of the person who would really make him happy. I hope he finds that happiness with his ex. I just hope, selfish as it might be, that he will know my true feelings for him.

Un lang. Haaay..Ganito pala pag 'mahal' mo na talaga..

It's okay if you can't love me nor even think of me. I'm not asking you to. It's really okay for me if you can't, cause you see? What I told you was "I love you" NOT "please love me too".

*supposedly a November 5 entry*

2004-11-05T12:58:00.000+08:00

waking up at 4:55 am on a thursday knowing you don't have classes can be worth it. it can be when you have an unexpected bonding session with your older sister, an exciting nostalgic visit to your high school, laugh trip moments with your barkada and an experience (or maybe just a glimpse) of TRUE LOVE.

because my mom won't allow me to commute to admu, i was forced to ride with ate mabel and schuy. it was funny how ate was so patient. i mean, i can't imagine myself letting my kid get his way of eating breakfast, changing into school clothes and EVEN brushing his teeth in the car. i had an amusing time watching them struggle. hehe.

after schuy went to class, ate insisted that we eat breakfast at pancake house. for the first time in months, we were given the chance to really talk, just the two of us. i then realized that we have the same sentiments regarding stuff. i also felt kind of glad, that finally, we're connecting and that i can talk to her as though we're equals despite the 13 year gap. i just hope that we'd be given more opportunities to bond. after all, blood is really thicker than water despite everything that may happen.

aside from the sister bonding session, i was able to go back to mchs. it felt weird to be back knowing you were there not as a student but as a visitor. the visit made me miss the place more than i expected. and i felt all the memories come rushing back especially when we checked out our classroom during junior year. we saw some of our teachers as well. enya, mellow, marj and i were shrieking everytime we saw someone. we even literally ran excitedly to reach sir fermin. as usual, he was his intellectual self. haha. i missed his corny jokes, strict ways and evil hirits. i'm glad i was able to thank him that commI was a breeze thanks to all his green marks on my papers. aside from sir fermin, we saw and chitchatted briefly with mrs. blanco, ms. lacson, sir fernandez, sir sanchez, mrs. de leon and ms. ribo. too bad we didn't get to see sir belardo even after enya said, "hindi tayo aalis hangga't di natin nakikita si sir b." awww..

btw, it was funny that mrs. abano (beba's aunt) and mrs. fernandez still remember me up to now. mrs abano even said, "pumayat ka ah." REALLY? haha. nice thing to say although it's so not true. they made us write our colleges and courses. probably to show the mc students how they've produced such 'successful' graduates. but then again, we are the last math and science section. isn't that sort of given? haha. feeler.

i don't want to recount the numerous evil hirits i said today. let's just say it was just 10 am but i felt my throat hurting already. although some lines are still sticking to my memory. like "si RICKY LANG.", "bakit si serena kasama parin diyan?" and "dark blue." i know, i'm evil. and you just had to be there to actually get what i said. oh well..

although the whole day i spent in katipunan (or admu and mchs) was mostly a laughtrip, we still did have our 'senti' moments. or probably coz we were tired. haha. whatever the reason may be, i wish there were more 'RICKYs' in this world. i wish there were more guys who were as fun but at the same time, as nice and would treat you not just right but as though you were the most valuable and precious thing in the world. i wish i'd be able to meet someone who would value conversation and pure wholesome fun rather than all sorts of intimate acts. i wish i would meet someone who would purely and truly love me as lesley and ricky love each other. and finally i wish that someone would be worthy of the standard of true love set by my favorite couple in the world.

trips and thoughts

2004-11-02T17:51:00.000+08:00

nine-hour trips from manila to guinayangan, quezon and back can do wonders for one's psyche. three ideas popped into my head that i continuously pondered on as my feet got all numb during the hours of traffic.

one idea is that i should have never ever felt bad over the past with louie and dennis. i guess things just were meant to end up that way and i wish i had done something more to prevent things from going sour between louie and i instead of pursuing my hopeless and totally baseless 'love' for dennis. maybe if i had given louie the love i was willing to offer dennis, things wouldn't have ended that bad. maybe i would be happier right now. i don't know. i can't go back and change what has already been done. but then again, i hope i'm not too late to right things coz i will never be able to forgive myself if i found out that things could've been different if i hadn't done such.

aside from this totally mind-blowing realization is my newly discovered phobia of getting into serious relationships. i know i shouldn't feel this way but then again, after what i witnessed just days ago, i'm beginning to feel skeptic regarding the intentions of those who engage themselves in acts of intimacy. i know these things are part of the relationship but then again, i feel somehow that these things ought to be treated as 'sacred'. they shouldn't just be treated casually or mechanically as though they were part of a routinary process. after everything i saw and heard, i feel dismayed and terrified that our society has lost most of its morals. my ideals have been shattered and i have no way of putting the pieces back together. i know at this point i am hesitant to trust. i just hope there is still a guy out there willing to love you for that warm, fuzzy feeling and not for some fast, hard-core action..

lastly, i kept thinking about the post i read on peyups.com. it's about this guy commenting on girls who go for bisexuals or gays. he was saying, parang, heto ako, handa akong mahalin ka ng buong buo. bat nagtitiyaga ka sa kanya, e pera lang at sex habol niya. i know this is sort of extreme but then again, i don't understand why guys out there choose to love people of the same sex who don't even care much about them while there are people of the opposite sex willing to give their whole selves just to make them happy.

aside from these thoughts, while i was talking to andrew earlier, we got talking about love. i realized that i am not 'inlove' with him yet. but it's close to that. i mean, i do want him for myself but his happiness means more to me. i will never ever be 'inlove' with him. unless he will find it in his heart to love me too. for unrequited love will never ever be real love.

it's been such a long time since i have been inlove. it's just so hard to be a girl. you can't make someone fall for you. you just have to wait for him to fall for you too. but then again, girls usually end up with guys they don't like at first but learn to love as time goes by. at this point, i want to love him because i really do. but if he doesn't allow me to love him, maybe i should just let myself learn to love someone else.

just a thought. my trips to wherever usually end up with me HAVING to call andrew on the cellphone coz of all the depressing things that keep happening when i'm not in manila. maybe i shouldn't leave. maybe these things won't happen. or so i wish to think.

haaay..if you would only just let me love you..and it wouldn't hurt if you loved me back. :P

happy or sad and scared?

2004-10-30T07:02:00.000+08:00

ok..i haven't been able to blog in the longest time. my stupid computer at home is against me unlike my computer sa condo. anyway, i was supposed to write this really really long entry that i drafted on paper. unfortunately, i'm really really lazy to type so i might as well just save that for my journal.

so what have i been up to the last few days?

october 22 to october 24, karls and i went to baguio with my parents. it was fun seeing my parents and kabarkada jive so well. at this point, mom totally adores karls. haha..

the trip going there was long coz of the jeepney strike in tarlac. in all fairness, karls and i were able to make use of the time catching up on evrything i missed since i moved to upm. then the 'serf' started texting me. it was hilarious. i mean, how totally 'trying hard to sound like he didn't know anything'. oh well, i was being really nice to him. i hope he appreciated that. the guy even gave me a call..really dense. tsk tsk. when we arrived in baguio, we ate lots of seafood which didn't agree with karls. so we ended up staying the whole afternoon and evening at home watching extra challenge, star circle quest, mulawin, star struck, it might be you, krystalla..and all those local primetime shows.

the next day was a day to remember. who would've thought that he'd text me "am HERE in baguio."? it was the most embarrassing experience i've had in a long time. first i had to endure the excruciating hours waiting for his reply. then my mom had to force me to actually call him. in the end, we did see each other. it was supposed to end there. but no. of course not. my mom just had to talk to him. oh well..at least he was nice about it. or so i wish to think. later on, karls and i hung out in padi's point baguio. can i just say orcs galore? there was even this middle-aged orc who tried to hit on us. i dismissed him with a wave of my hand and the words, "dun na lang po kayo." it was so funny. and karls and i were so evil.

after approximately three hours of sleep, karls and i had to get up to get ready for the trip home. the ride was ok. i had a comfortable time catching up on sleep. but orc fest still didn't end. even at the gas station, an orc ogled us. and after i brought karls to cubao, another orc tried to hit on me in galle. oh god. why do orcs keep noticing me while there's just this one guy i really really want?

next day, andrew and i went to upm. it was so nerve-wracking. when i computed all my grades, i found out i had to get a 1.25 or higher in soc sci to make it as a college scholar. the odds were against me but the world took pity on me decided to give me that much-needed 1.25..so my average is 1.73611111...haha! i made it. if i had gotten a 1.5, i could've kissed my college scholar dreams goodbye. btw andrew, i forgot to thank you. thanks for being really happy for me. thanks for understanding. you're the best talaga.

after my euphoria which by the way feels so much better than seeing him, i headed to katipunan. met up with the tianx and did our usual 18 gift shopping on 1,350 budget. made it with 50 pesos to spare. afterwards, i told my family the news. kuya's reaction was the greatest. he seemed genuinely happy for me. mommy was excited as well. daddy on the other hand regarded it as an ordinary everyday occurence. that hurt. majorly so. i hope he doesn't complain next sem if i won't be able to be a cs again. should've appreciated what he had..

the next day, mommy and i went shopping for the gown i'm going to wear to migs' debut. kuya tagged along but basically just had his hair cut. before going to g4, i checked on my pre-reg results. everything was approved. so meaning, it's another sem with andrew! yey..abscissa-ordinate parin! anyway, i found this really really pretty blue gown. it even suited me better than my prom gown. signs. haha..then mommy was feeling generous so she bought kuya and i perfume. i got the classic kenzo for men which actually smells like jean luc amsler, my favorite scent in the world. kuya got armani white for men.

yesterday was migs' debut. was so much fun! although there was this shocking incident at mia's when i dropped by, i pretty much enjoyed the whole night. migs and i even had the same material for my ball skirt and her gown. was funny! felt like it was MY debut. haha..i had such a great time picture taking with pola and karls plus our wild dances with kenji and even RICKY!!! harhar..and the ride home was pure evil joke time.

i actually would be feeling so happy if i just don't have this nagging thought in my head. i feel so evil. i mean, i shouldn't feel this way but i can't help it. now, i just want to avoid the whole thing but i absolutely can't. i need help!!!

later, the tianx are heading over to riva's for a sleepover. our tagaytay/batangas trip got cancelled coz of problems with transpo and parents. oh well..maybe next time we could all just go to baguio..or maybe visayas. haha..

after the sleepover at riva's, i'd head to quezon. then i have to be back for enrollment. then mom and i might go to baguio again. yes..i'm totally cramming my trips this sembreak. hehe!

that's what i've done these past few days. i'm happy for a everything but sad and scared about three things. i wish i knew what to feel. help!

i'm leaving...

2004-10-22T19:03:00.000+08:00

well, for at least this weekend. i'm going to baguio. and that's just great. in fact, i can't imagine spending this weekend at home. i would simply go crazy with a computer next to me and him gone for the weekend.

andrew..hope you have a great weekend! i'm gonna miss talking to you..
eugene (haha! i KNOW you won't read this but so what?) thanks pare..

bye manila! yey!

Hey, musta? BI ka ba?

2004-10-22T04:19:00.000+08:00

If only it were that easy to ask the person you 'love' about his sexual preferences..

What if you 'love' this guy but you have suspicions regarding his sexuality? What if you hear and find out so many things regarding his past and present(?) with the same sex? What if you know in your heart that he really is bi and you swore you'd never fall for another one but at this point you're falling hard and fast for him? What if there's a part of you convinced that he's just being nice to you because he knows you admire him? What if he really is just this nice to all his admirers? What if you know you have an almost zero percent chance with him? What if you found out that he probably could like you if he wasn't into guys right now? What if you learned that even if he were into girls he still wouldn't go for you? What if you are just giving yourself false hopes? What if you are just assuming too many things about him? What if you're convinced that you do 'love' him? What do you do when the whole world is against your 'love' for him?

If only someone would answer these questions for me..

I guess I love him..
It's just that I have this phobia regarding relationships with bisexual men. My last relationship ended in a bust. Well, he had real problems with himself and it seemed like he was just using me to appear straight. I don't want to get involved with a person who has a lot of issues with himself. And more so, I don't ever want to feel that devastation of being replaced..for a guy. THAT hurt. TOTALLY.
Aside from these issues or bias or whatever regarding bisexual males..It's not as if I have this great chance with him. Come to think of it, I haven't heard about any girl from him. I should feel flattered coz he is taking the time to be nice to me. But then again, what if that's just it. He's just being nice and he's just being this way out of pity.

If only I could be "every little thing you wanted"..

I cannot expect anything from you.

I cannot hope that you would reciprocate whatever I'm feeling for you coz that would be selfish.

I can just love you from afar and hope that the world would allow me to do this. Silently, on my own.

Ok..this has NOTHING to do with HIM. Anyway, my mom and I were talking about my bro and this girl he used to like. I began singing, "Muling ibalik ang tamis ng pag-ibig.." Then we had this conversation.
My Mom: "Theme song mo rin yan eh.."
Aika: "Huh??? Kanino?"
My Mom: "Dun sa isa..ung taga-UST rin.."(with a teasing smile on her face)
The HELL!!! Please. I have long told myself I was over him. So Ma, please, get over him too. He will NEVER EVER be your son-in-law.
I'm sorry but I will not go back to that pathetic state of wanting him even if he's happily attached. YUCK. I'm glad I passed UP. We're not meant to be. Thank GOD for that. I hope my mom would stop her fantasies regarding that guy. It's just plain irritating. Erk. Hearing about it from her..I wanted to scream.
Stop Aika. Think happy thoughts..

HINDI ako special...

2004-10-21T06:46:00.000+08:00

I remember way back in Grade 7. My memories of the south were of my cousins and I running around Festival mall, trying to join in on the "Spend a day with Parokya ni Edgar" contest. A few months later, it would be of my cousins and I going nuts over Teeth and watching their basketball game against PNE. In first year, it was of my ex-best friend and I watching a gig at Galo's now named something 119 as I found out just yesterday. Fast forward two years later and my memories were of my Ocho-Uno classmates and I getting excused from attending class, eating cheese pimiento sandwiches, cramming for our chemistry test the following day and trying to support Katz in the Digital LG contest. And who could ever forget the "guy with the brown bag" asking for the name of the "girl with the red ID lace"? My most recent memories of the south however, tarnished my perception of that faraway place worth traveling two hours for. It was that "date" or "meeting" or what-have-you with Chad that ruined the memories and ambiance of that place for me.

It was weird I managed to go there yesterday. First and foremost, it was absolutely NOT a mom-supported gimmick. Second of all, it was just Pola and I. Not even one-fourth of the Tianx were with us. And third, honestly, I have NEVER tried commuting THAT far. Miraculously though, I am still able to blog about our experience without any losses, injuries or whatever else except for a bruise on my left thigh.

So what did happen? The strangest thing happened, actually. I mean, who would've guessed that we'd bump into those people in ATC on a TUESDAY, no less. I mean, we're all from Quezon City. What are the odds that we'll see them there? Maybe he really loves Pola that much that he's developed ESP regarding her whereabouts. Oh well...

As for the whole point of our adventure...it turned out well. Better than I expected. At this point, I should be ecstatic. Or at least be happy. I don't understand why I'm not. Maybe my defense mechanisms are acting up. It's frustrating how I am hindered from freely feeling what I really want to feel for the sake of protecting myself. I need to let go and just enjoy the moment. After all, I was the one who did say that pain is inevitable. I shouldn't stop myself from feeling. To be numb would mean I would never get hurt but then I would never feel exuberance as well. I have to let go. I just have to.

Quotable Quotes:

"A hurting heart is a loving heart. Don't hold back on love just because you've been hurt before. What matters is that you have loved." -Andrew

"There is no such thing as an impossible love. Be not intimidated by silence, indifference or rejection. Take more risks. Seek love even if you will often hear the word 'no', be defeated and feel rejected." - The Warrior of the Light

Siguro nga...mahal na YATA kita.

This supposedly was my blog entry earlier. Then something happened.

My beloved tutor started texting me about him. Then I received this message: "Narinig k lng s clsm8 k n may guy cyang ksama n nglalakad s malate. Tpos may hawak cyang blue magic. Thats it."

Then I started crying. He could've left it at that. But my beloved tutor is really the best. We talked for more or less 20 minutes on the cell phone so he could console me, make me understand and spare my feelings. Ibang klase talaga. Now I'm even more confused than I was minutes ago. At lalo akong nalungkot.

2004-10-16T19:23:00.000+08:00

i can't believe that the first sem is actually over and that i'm on sembreak right now. it went by too fast as though some things never really happened. oh well..i'm not going to dwell on the horrid details. let's just say that some things are better best forgotten..(haha..steps song. loser.)

we took our last two final exams this friday. the comm 1 final was long, but i guess i did alright. although the outline was difficult. the math 17 exam was alright as well. i just hope my grade would reach my expectations..
i know i said i'm not a nerdox who actually really cares about grades. but then again, there will always always be a part of me that would yearn for "esteem". kaya nga it's part of maslow's hierarchy of needs eh. since we're on the topic of grades, i got a 1.5 in history..ok, i'm happy but i wish i did better.

on to the sleepover. one thing is for sure. i missed the tianx. i'm missing the tianx. and i will continue missing them coz ateneo will never be the right place for me.
i just wish i could be there. to actually share their experiences and not just hear about the significant details afterwards. to hang out with them during breaks or have classes with them instead of getting monthly gimmicks that are far too short.

a part of me wishes that i was more like them so i'd have the same ideology that ateneo is my dream school. but no matter how hard i try and even if there are these eight strong premises pushing me to go for admu, it will never be.

i don't know what i want anymore. aika is meant to stay in up. but her heart will always be in ateneo. if only there was this school that was the perfect combination of everything that makes both up and ateneo wonderful schools. if only..

i've got one whole sem to mull over whether i should stay in biochem or shift to film and audio-visual communications. both decisions have their distinct advantages and disadvantages. i just hope i make the right one..
i'm not saying this coz i'm shifting already. i'm saying this coz i just do. i miss you andrew! *sigh*

my insides are contracting with pain

2004-10-12T19:32:00.000+08:00

ang weird ng buhay noh?
you like this guy so much kaya lang may mahal siyang iba..
ung mahal naman niya, hindi siya mahal..
parang cycle lang na people are getting hurt over and over again coz of unrequited love..

hindi ba pwedeng ung mahal mo, mahal ka rin?
kelangan ba talagang mahalin niya ang iba AT malaman mong nasasaktan siya kasi hindi naman siya mahal nito?

at this point, i'm done crying over my unrequited love for you..
ngayon, nasasaktan ako. sobra. kasi nasasaktan ka. sana naman makita niya kung gano ka kahalaga, kaspecial, kaunique..
sana marealize niya na maraming taong ibibigay ang lahat, malagay lang sa posisyon niya..na minamahal mo.
hindi ko na hihingin ngayon na ako ang mahalin mo. alam ko namang siya ang kasiyahan mo.

sana lang talaga wag ka nang umiyak. sana mahalin ka rin niya..the same way i would have if you had wanted me to.

i have conversion disorder

2004-10-11T23:54:00.000+08:00

yep..i have this illness. and i don't understand why i continue to hurt myself..reminiscing does not help. but then again, here i am blogging about it. forgive me. maybe having this much time on my hands is dangerous. i am getting more ill by the minute. i need something to keep me preoccupied. or i'll probably go crazy over people's sexual preferences..

here is a list of the 10 significant guys (those guys have no trouble remembering and i'd probably still remember 25 or so years from now) in my life..
(i'm weird..and ill. tsk tsk tsk..)
*the list is according to the guy from way way back to the most recent*

1. Buwi- he's my first major crush that's "real". (i mean, i knew him even if he is PNE's bassist)

2. Emil- this guy was my first crush sa M and the first guy i did something totally crazy and stupid for. (that no one knows about..up to now!)

3. Lean- he's the first guy who made me cry coz he was "evil" or maybe i was just too young to understand.

4. Dennis- the only constant feature of my high school life. he's the dream to aspire for, the urge to fight for and the reason to still believe.

5. Louie- ex boyfriend. 'nuff said.

6. Melden- such a manipulative and evil guy that i used to like so much.

7. Jet- he's the first guy i liked who is younger than me. he's also the first reason i became a "go-getter".

8. Mark- this guy is the reason i have this great fear of getting into relationships with bisexual guys.

9. James- he's my first college crush.

10. Ronald (not his real name..si Andrew lang makakagets nito! hehe..)
-he's not one of those "first" guys. I just know i'll remember him. how can i not remember him? i'm totally crazy over him right now. and i've cried over him countless times too.
(deleted their surnames..mahirap na.)

should get busy..stop moping over sexual preferences..
i need help. or maybe i just need YOU.

ayoko na

2004-10-10T16:27:00.000+08:00

akala ko ba ayoko na?
pero bakit pilit ko paring sinasaktan ang sarili ko?
iniiyakan ko nanaman siya sa di ko na mabilang kung pang-ilang beses na..
ano bang dapat kong gawin para tigilan na to?

ayoko na talaga..
pero ang hirap bumitaw kapag pilit ka paring kumakapit sa wala..

ano nga ba ang mapapala ko sa kabaliwang ito?
wala pero nais ko paring masaktan kasi siya un eh.

problema..wala naman siyang pakialam..
at sa mga sandaling iniiyakan ko siya..
nagpapakasaya naman siya at nahuhulog para sa iba..

ang sakit..hanep. malupet ang sakit. pero wala kong magawa. kasi sino ba ako sa buhay niya? sana hindi na lang umabot sa ganito..hindi siguro ako masasaktan kung hindi ko hinayaang masaktan ako.

ayoko na talaga. kabaliwan na kaya kung lumipat ako sa ateneo?...

UP sarbey

2004-10-10T12:09:00.000+08:00

Got this from Reinzi's friendster bulletin board post...
1.ANO STUDENT NUMBER MO?
2004-08429

2. PANO KA NAKAPASOK SA UP?
Nag-UPCAT ako..August 2, 2003 ata un..ewan, ndi ko na maalala. basta pinili kong magtake ng hapon ng Saturday at naalala ko pang ndi ako mapakali sa nerbiyos nun dahil dream school ko ang UP.

3.PANO MO NALAMAN ANG UPCAT RESULT?:
nung araw na inilabas ung results, asa bahay pa ko nun kasi ndi ako pumasok. tinext ako ni mia na "good news" daw..so siyempre, ndi ko naman maqualify kung anong "good news" un kaya kinaladkad ko si ate at si kuya mel na pumunta sa diliman. at nung nakita ko ung pangalan ko, napasigaw talaga ako ng "OH MY GOD! MANILA!" tapos nagtinginan sakin ng masama ung mga tao sa paligid ko tapos naiyak nako..hahaha! pathetic!

4.FIRST CHOICE CAMPUS MO BA ANG UPD?:
hindi. UP Manila. ninais kong makaranas ng new horizon..kaya lang ngayon, parang nais ko na bumalik sa katipunan..

5.ALAM MO BA ANG UPG MO?:
hindi. sana alam ko para naman maboost ang ego ko kahit papano..

6.ANO ANG FIRST CHOICE MO NA COURSE?:
first choice ko talaga ang biochem..tapos pharm. pero chineckan ko rin ung intarmed. wala lang..gusto ko lang itry kung makakapasok. siyempre..naconfirm ko na sa sarili ko na "i'm not good enough." pero anyway, nakuha ko ung first choice ko..na mejo gusto ko na iwanan..

7.SECOND CHOICE?:
second choice ko sa manila, pharm. siyempre dahil wala akong self-confidence, ndi UPD ang second choice campus ko kundi baguio..at ang dalawang course ko dun ay bio at creative writing..

8.ANO COURSE MO NGAUN?:
biochem. yep, first choice ko. saya.

9.MAY PLANO KA MAGSHIFT:?
ewan. depende kung anong mangyayari sa 2nd sem. pero kung ndi talaga magworkout for me tong course na to, malamang lumipat ako sa UPD at magtake ng film.

10.RURALITE KA BA?:
ndi. buong buhay ko ay namalagi ako sa qc. ngayon naman, manila.

11.PHI SCI?:
ndi. proud knoller ako despite the fact na pinalilibutan ang buhay ko ngayon ng pisay people..

12.UMATTEND KA BA NG MGA KUNG ANO-ANONG PROGRAMA NG FRESHMAN KA?
oo naman. excited pa ko pumasok nun dahil wala pang ginagawa at ndi pa routinary ang mga bagay-bagay.

13.NAKAPAGDORM KA NA BA?
ndi pa..at ndi na mangyayari to kahit kelan dahil ang aking ina ay napakaprotective at mahilig pang magkaron ng withdrawal symptoms..haaay..

14.NAGKASINGKO KA NA BA?
ndi pa naman. at wag naman sana. dahil pano ko magkakaron ng option na lumipat kung may singko ako?

15. NAGKA-UNO (1.00) KA NA?:
ndi pa..sana naman magkaron ng uno kahit sa kung anong subject lang.

16.HIGHEST GRADE MO?:
uno sana.

17.LOWEST:
haaay nako wag naman sana tres or lower. although may lecheng comsci 10 eh.

18.WORST EXPERIENCE SA FORM 5:
wala pa naman..pero ang weirdo nung dati. ndi ko alam na nagkapalit kami ng form 5 ni kerry. si ma'am valbuena pa ang nakapansin.

19.LAGI KA BANG NAGPEPREROG?:
prerogative ba ito? ewan. ndi ko alam.

20.US, CS:
haaay..sana lang. pero ndi naman ako nangangarap eh. kasi masakit lang umasa tapos wala rin.

21.MAY SCHOLARSHIP KA BA?
wala..pero iskolar ako ng bayan. haha..labo.

22.ILANG UNITS NA NAIPASA MO?
wala pa..ndi pa nga tapos ang 1st sem eh.

23.NANGANGARAP KA BA NA MAGLAUDE?
oo pero maliit na parte lang ng pagkatao ko un. kung masyado kong dadamdamin, baka mabaliw lang ako.

24.KELAN KA GAGRADUATE?:
2008 kung mananatili ako sa biochem..kung magshishift, depende.

25.FAVE TEACHER:
si ma'am miciano! hahaha..*whatever aika* si prof sumalapao nung teacher pa namin siya..at si sir nuestro pala sa pe..masaya siya kachikahan.

26.WORST TEACHER:
wala naman..pero ayoko talaga ng comsci. no offense sir betan. mahal ko po kayo!

27.FAVE SUBJECT/s:
comm..(hehe!) at Math 17 noon.

28.WORST SUBJECT:
comsci talaga. it's not the teacher. mahina lang talaga ako sa ganyan lalo na ung javascript..hehe. sorry partner..

29.FAVE LANDMARK SA UPManila:
ung lady med sa pedro gil..

30.BUILDING?:
GAB? dahil marami kaming subjects dun? pero mas trip ko parin ang maghangout sa corridor ng RH 119 eh..

31.FAVE KAINAN:
ewan. wala. sa kahit saang maisipan namin ni harry na magdate.

32.ESTUDYANTE BA ANG BINABAYAD MO SA JEEP?
naglalakad lang ako pero kapag sumasakay ng jeep, ndi. kasi naaawa ako sa driver.

33.LAGI KA BA SA MAIN LIBRARY:?
hindi. dahil sobrang tahimik na, ang init pa.

34.NAG-S.A. KA NA BA?
ndi pa..at wala rin akong balak.

35.ANO MASASABI MO KAY OBLE?
astig ang nirerepresent niya. at ang ganda ng katawan. hehe..

36.MAY ORG/S KA NA BA?
bcs..at supposedly volcorps rin ako. plus nirerecruit ako dati sa anakbayan at lfs..

37.FRAT/SORO?
siguro kung magpopolsci ako..

38.NAPANOOD MO NA BA ANG OBLATION RUN?
sa tv..pag binabalita. pero ung live..ndi pa. mas masaya ata ung sa diliman eh.

39.NAGPUNTA KA BA SA INFIRMARY NUNG MINSANG NAGKASAKIT KA?
may infirmary ba sa upm? sus..iinom na lang ako ng afebrin..

40.MAY CRUSH KA BA SA CAMPUS?:
meron. isang taga-AS, isang taga-pedro gil..

41.BF/GF?:
wala eh..constant ka-date. harhar..:P

42.MAY BALAK KA BA MG-MS, PHD?
kung itutuloy ko ang course ko, baka. pero kung magfilm ako..ndi na. magtatrabaho na lang ako sa abs-cbn. hehe.:)

43.ANU-ANO ANG MGA PE MO?
bowling! hehe..masaya..nako. next sem, baka fpf kami..

44.KAMUSTA NAMAN ANG BLOC NYO?
ok lang..masaya naman kami. pero sana mas bonding.

45.BOMOTO KA NA BA PARA SA USC?
ndi pa..pero iboboto ko si james!!! hehe..

46.MAY BALAK KA BANG MAGTRANSFER NG CAMPUS?
depende sa magiging ending ng second sem ko..

47.MASAYA BA ANG FEB FAIR?:
well..masaya ung sa diliman dati. ewan ko lang kung meron niyan sa manila.

48.NAKAPANOOD KA NA BA NG GRADUATION?:
UP graduation? ndi pa..dapat pala pumunta ko dati nung kay kuya mel.

49.MEMORIZE MO BA ANG UP NAMING MAHAL?
haha..kahiya-hiya ako. ndi..

50.NAGSASUMMER KA BA?
kelangan sa biochem..pero depende nga kung itutuloy ko tong course ko.

51.NAKAPERFECT KA NA BA NG EXAM?
haha..oo. sa comsci. harhar..at wala nang iba.

52.ANO AYAW MO SA HELL WEEK?
as of now, ok pa naman ung exams..mas nakakamatay para sakin ung papers.

wag na lang kaya

2004-10-09T15:36:00.000+08:00

seeing his blog made me cry. literally cry. and up to now while i'm writing this, i'm still crying. ok..what's wrong with me? well probably coz no matter what i do, it seems like i can never be good enough for him. liking him is killing whatever is left of my ego. and yes..my sanity is fading away to non-existence.

i thought dennis was the only almost impossible reality i'd meet in this world. then i just had to stubbornly pick UP manila as my first choice school. then i just had to pick that course that doesn't seem right for me at all. then i just had to go to that so-called concert. (yes enya..you were worth it and so much more..everything else that happened is another story.) then i just had to take that stupid stroll.

now i'm back to feeling like crap. just like when i was in over my head for dennis. at this point, it's useless to hope. for hoping just constantly brings pain. and i don't want to hurt. i don't want to feel. i just want to be oblivious to my misery.

maybe it is pointless to continue feeling this way. maybe there are people out there far more worthy of my tears. or atleast, they make themselves to be. maybe i should learn to appreciate epal guys. maybe i should be thankful that although he's sprained, he rushed after me. and maybe corny, fashionably-challenged guys might just be my destiny..

if they aren't..i'm shifting. new horizons, here i come.

i am evil..

2004-10-02T13:53:00.000+08:00

ok..i'm able to write this right now coz i didn't go to bong's debut. i know. i'm evil. but believe me..if you had to go through that sh*tty comsci practical exam, you'd feel the same way! added fact that i've got about a million papers to write. fine..ndi naman milyon. exagg na kung exagg pero seriously, i haven't started anything.

my schedule for next week:
monday, oct 4- math 17 5th dept exam; submission of comm1 final paper
wednesday, oct 6- submission of 3 lts papers; submission of comsci project and exercises
friday, oct 8- soc sci finals; submission of soc sci paper; submission of comm1 revised final paper

whokei..wala pa akong ginagawa. ang galing ko talaga..hanep. crammed sh*t nanaman ang ipapasa ko. oh well..

wait..i haven't blogged since? yesterday! haha..so here's what happened to my thursday and friday.

thursday..
i dragged myself over to c. salvador elem school for such a pointless 3rd time for lts. basically, this zuper ksp kid was harrassing me. ok, i know, they aren't really exposed to good value systems but then again, the kid was mean. i mean, i accompanied her to the cr. (which btw, had bowls but the kids literally peed on the floor) and she threatened to push me so i'd slip all over the pee on the floor. hello??? how gross is that? fine..ang arte ko na. but then, it's sad the kids know NOTHING about proper hygiene.

mr. 80 was there by the way. and guess what..he actually called me! haha..this is a first. nakakatawa talaga ang bulok style niya. anyway, two things were different about him. he got sprained..na inaway pa niya ko for merely asking. AND nagpagupit siya. siguro naconscious after all the panlalait harry and i did about his hair. honestly, matino pa nga ung hair niya dati eh. haha..oh well. infairness to him, we didn't commute from c. salvador to padre faura coz hinatid niya kami. naks..

neway, comsci was like any other comsci meeting. and math time, we took the simulated exam. na btw, i didn't know that cis meant polar form. hahaha..so, mejo how many mistakes kaya ang meron ako? i reviewed about polar form but then, stupid me, ndi ko alam un. oh well..

bago ngapala kami magsimulated..dream come true. after almost four months, ang pinapangapangarap ko ay nagkatotoo. binigay ni james ang number niya sakin!!! i know mejo overdue but then, does this mean na four months from now, mr. stroll and i will be dating? haha..wishful thinking!!!

neway afterwards, balik as kami ni harry to get mr. sun god's form. aba! ang kapal ng face..nilagay ba naman sa three things that scare you..aika, andrew and their comsci prof!!! haller??? evilness! pero atleast, nakakatawa ung ajino motto hirit niya..pati ung i miss calculated!

tapos niyan, inintay namin ang 2010 na sobrang tagal idismiss..finally, harry and i gave up at nanood na lang kami ng batas militar. infairness, "date" documentary pala un! harhar..

ang mga pilay pala ay nakakatakbo..wala lang. bagong kaalaman yan! ;p

friday..
ndi ako pumasok ng philo at nakailang tawag sa'kin si harry..yikee! miss ako! harhar..tapos math nako pumasok. ang galing..pinuntahan namin si james, but no. tulog! yes..ang saya!

nagdate ulit kami ni harry sa popeye's tapos hinunting namin si james and ang 2010. siyempre, ung kay abe pa lang ung nakukuha namin..we still need ung kay jose (oscar look-alike) kay james at kay ate tina.

tapos last discussion na ng soc sci. infairness..mamimiss ko ung subject na un at lalo na ang cute lectures ni ma'am valbuena. *tear*

tapos naman, hinanap namin si james..grabe ah! tinext pa niya ko kahit walang load..naks! yikee! hahrhar..joke lang. then, last day na rin namin with ma'am mish. infairness, i really really like her and the subject now. or baka kasi i'm doing well?..haha! (i'd like to thank sir fermin..salamat po sa training at sa pagmurder ng papers ko with green ink. finally, it's paying off)

tapos nito, dinismiss niya kami early..shux, i'll miss comm1. pwede bang take 2? harhar..nag-gonuts donuts naman kami ni harry. (yes..date ulit) nakita kami ng road flattener and mejo nag-jealy siya..i hope ndi magkatotoo ung pics ko.

then..ung comsci death.

ayun..eto ang masaya kong buhay. hehe..sige, have to wake up early and drag kuya to accompany me to the ortho.

i miss ocho-uno

2004-10-01T00:48:00.000+08:00

wala lang..namiss ko lang ang ocho-uno. :'(

hahaha..;p

2004-09-30T14:04:00.000+08:00

kala ko si Harry...

si mr. 80 lang pala. ngek! aba..nagtext..tsk tsk tsk. iba na talaga. kakaiba.

mr. stroll parin...

2004-09-29T14:38:00.000+08:00

my hypothalamus goes into overdrive with the thoughts of you.

i know overly feeling na siya at kinareer niya ang crush ko on him..
but then, i still like him..in fact, i like him more.
i know i shouldn't but he is just so charming..

haaay..i want to pose our conversation kaya lang, mahiya naman ako sa sarili ko dba? oh well..

*jump jump jump*

i'm so thankful for couples like lesley and torio who make me want to believe that there really is a thing called LOVE.

couples all around

2004-09-27T08:41:00.000+08:00

is it just me or was everyone in couple mode last night at bogs' debut?
weirdly, i wasn't nauseated..in fact, i kinda felt jealous..tsk tsk.

i mean, looking at lesley and torio was enough to make me want an s.o. gosh..they were so sweet and totally inlove. wow..they really are my favorite couple of all time. then there's allen with his "the moves". he asked the starbucks people to put "i love you" on pam's cup. sorta cheesy, i know. but then again, it was sweet as well. then there's bogs and mon, ac and gino..even riva, slipping out of denial mode saying, "hindi ko siya love as a friend." plus there's karla and tito looking so perfect together..sana sila na lang. even mia and ejohn sort of looked ok.

haaay..shucks! withdrawal symptoms..gosh. how desperate and pathetic am i..tsk tsk.

if only i had known that torio was going to be one of bogs' 18 roses..then i would have invited mr. stroll..gosh! what a wasted opportunity. *tear tear* (yes..hanggang ngayon, i'm still regretting it.)

i even asked frodo about mr. stroll. frodo said mr. stroll was gay. how totally evil that person is. argh! haller? if you're not close, you don't have to say evil stuff about him, alright? oh well..whatever. i hope mr. stroll and i could hang out over the sem break..

wala lang

2004-09-24T12:26:00.000+08:00

haaay..kakaiba talaga siya. i swear. sobrang iba.

may iba akong kausap..tapos ba naman, si mr. 80, biglang umepal sa conversation. whokei fine. sige, i understand.

tapos, before histo class..punta kami sa imed. yey! i saw mr. stroll..
ang cute talaga niya! kakaiba! and his new pic sa friendster is so adorable.

after..ewan. i feel guilty. i feel evil. i mean, i know mr. 80's really annoying and ksp but then again, i get the feeling that he doesn't really deserve my being mean to him. ewan..he's a feeler but then i sort of "pity" him coz basta..sometimes, parang nakakaawang sungitan coz he looks "helpless"..tapos biglang magiging super papansin at nakakairita ulit..

haaay..hindi pa ko nag-aaral sa philo. hindi pa ko nag-eencode nung sa comsci. oh well..atleast masaya ung family dinner.
i miss daddy..*tear* i miss tianx.. i miss ocho-uno. i miss high school life. i want to cry.

haha..labo. whatever.

boys boys boys..;p

2004-09-23T21:03:00.000+08:00

haaay..nakakatawa talaga ang mga reaksyon ng mga tao pag nalaman nilang crush mo sila. siyempre habang crush mo siya, extra nice ka sa kaniya. so feel na feel naman niya un diba? talagang "take advantage" sa crush mo over him..problema, suddenly, ayaw mo na sa kanya!!! siyempre, hindi makapapayag ang kumag diba? hehe..biglang bumait. whoah. at huling-huli mong tinitingnan ang reaksyon mo sa kanya. katawa talaga.

nung tuesday, ang aking ex-crush na si mr. 80 ay nagreport..evilness ko na siguro pero major talikod talaga ako nung siya na at nagconcentrate sa pagcram ng philo namin. sabi nga ni harry ang sama ko daw eh..oh well. after that, wala nanaman si ma'am nung math so tambay kami sa labas ni harry..aba, ang kumag, tingin ng tingin sa labas. whatever ha. pero hindi pa nagtatapos dun. hiningi ko sa kanya ung form namin para sa comsci kasi medyo 100 years na atang na sa kanya un. aba..ibang klase talaga! sinigawan ako! haller?!? whatever..siyempre, dahil hindi ko na nga siya gusto, major nagsungit ako plus matching irap. aba..ang feeler kasi.

tapos as usual, date kami ni harry. pinag-uusapan namin ang mga "boys boys boys ko"..hehehe. tapos naglalakad na kami pabalik ng AS nang biglang may VISION..grabe! si mr. stroll..haaay..siyempre, si aika, major excite. si harry naman, hindi man lang makita. akala ko talaga i was just conjuring things in my head. pero hindi..it was real. hanep ang epekto niya sa'kin kahit napakaliit pala niya. infairness, nagbago lang naman ang boses ko nung nag-hi ako sa kanya..harhar. kakaiba talaga. at hindi lang un..frozen ako for almost one minute bago ako nakareact.

pero wait, there's more. siyempre kelangan ituloy ang aming search for cuties na guys. eto naman ako, dragging harry sa philarts at pinipilit na isama ung isang guy. fine. hindi talaga siya gwapo. ung pagiging cute nga eh very questionable pa. pero still, ang astig nung personality niya. haaay..diba dapat gamitin na ang project para sa sariling kapakanan? oh well..ayaw talaga pumayag ni harry na mayroong nag-iisang batayan ng gwapo..aba, ung hari ng araw ba naman? haller?!? obviously, wala na kaming maisasamang iba dahil ganun ka-taas ang standards ng aking partner.

siyempre umakyat na kami dahil mag-soc sci na. hiningi namin kay mr. 80 ung form niya ulit. aba..hindi parin binigay. siyempre nag-init na ang dugo namin ni partner..well actually, si harry, sobra. pero seriously, nakakaasar na talaga. mas nag-inarte pa siya for someone na parati naming nakakasama. ang arte talaga..nakakairita. siyempre, nilimot ko na ang pagkuha ng form niya dahil wala naman akong napapala. tapos ba naman, nung asa room na kami, biglang pinilit ipasok ung from niya sa envelope ko? ano ba? wag naman papansin..

oh well..pag-uwi ko, asa langit parin ako dahil kay mr. stroll. hanep..sabog na siya sa lagay na un pero natameme parin ako sa kanya. haaay..ang crush nga naman talaga at ang nagagawa nito sa tao. pathetically, hindi parin ako maover dun sa "moment namin". (what the hell?) kaya..tadadadan..tinext ko siya. harhar. tsk tsk. tapos siyempre, kinareer naman ni papa ang crush ko sa kanya. hehe. nadadala at nababawi pa naman ng charms niya ang kafeelingan kaya ok pa. kakaiba talaga ang "relationship" namin. ika nga ni enya..nagbobolahan lang kami. haaay..kahit na alam kong barbero lang, masaya naman eh. harhar..dun natapos ang masaya kong martes.

kinabukasan, miyerkules.

btw, Belated Happy Bday BOGS Bunny!!! love you so much pare..at sobrang miss na kita!!! basta..i'm here for you. always. at tandaan, pag may nanakit sayo, handa talaga akong maghaMON ng away..harhar. love you talaga..see you soon.

anyway, lts namin. eh ang tagal ng aming mga friendships dumating kaya nag-abot pa kami ng mga cwts sa as. mag-9 am na kaya naisipan na naming mauna dun sa iba..pagdating namin dun, halos wala pang tao. tapos kami ni leah plus si aaron ay pinuntahan ung mga bata. at first, nakikijoin pa ang aming groupmate. aba, pagdating ni ivan, i'm sorry. para kaming may sakit. i swear. ayaw nila kaming lapitan. what the? so siyempre naaasar nako at sinisigawan ko na sila. siyempre naman diba? how uncooperative can you be? bwisit talaga..i guess kelangan talaga naming ayusin ni leah dahil wala kaming makukuhang help mula sa aming comsci groupmates.

btw, pagtingin ko sa phone ko nung umaga..hulaan niyo kung sino nagtext. aba..si mr. 80! ano iyan? harhar talaga..ibang klase.

siyempre hindi pa ko gumagawa ng comsci hw. oh well, mamaya na lang. may apat na oras pa ko para problemahin un. hahaha..

(for added information, tingnan niyo ang site ni harry. after all. halos pareho lang kami ng experience.)

ay..almost forgot. Happy Anniversary sa Parent's ko!!! as if mababasa nila to pero what the heck, ayan. it's the thought that counts. love you mommy and daddy! see you later..

imed guys make me cry..

2004-09-21T10:20:00.000+08:00

last friday..umiyak ako.
why?
stress? or maybe because mr. stroll was ignoring me..

today, umiyak nanaman ako..
why?
because apollo made me cry..

your form has no scholarly purpose whatsoever...

fine..whatever.
i now realize how incredibly difficult it is to deal with intelligent people..
siguro nga i'm meant to not be smart..

haaay..

*hurting*

mga mahirap na tanong..

2004-09-19T13:03:00.000+08:00

got these questions from kuya mark sa friendster..

mamili ka...
sino ba ang mas mahalaga, ang taong mahal mo o ang taong gusto mong mahalin?
mahirap 'to. siguro ung mahal ko diba? na sana nga lang, mahalin niya rin ako..

ang taong kasama mo buong araw o ang taong iniisip mo bago matapos ang araw?
siyempre ung taong iniisip ko. at the end of the day..pag nakahiga ka na sa kama at patulog ka na, ung taong papasok sa utak mo bago mo ipikit ang mga mata mo ang taong mahalaga sa'yo.

siya bang kasakasama mo sa lahat ng ginagawa mo o siyang dahilan ng lahat ng galaw at ginagawa mo?
ayokong maging hypocrite at sabihin na ung taong parating andiyan para sakin kasi malamang, ung motivation mo para sa lahat ng ginagawa mo ang mas matimbang.

sino ba ang mas mahalaga...ung taong nais mong makasama habang buhay o ung taong hindi mo makita ang habang buhay kapag wala siya?
isa pang mahirap na tanong..oo nga naman. siguro ung taong hindi ko na lang makita ang habang buhay na wala siya. sabihin na nating parang immature love to na .."i love you because i need you." pero realistically, kung hindi mo maisip na wala siya sa buhay mo, talaga bang kakayanin mong wala siya? (mga senyales na hindi ako marunong magmove on)

sino ang mas matimbang...ung taong pag kasama mo'y parang kay bilis ng oras o ung taong tuwing iniisip mo'y parang kay bagal ng oras?
isa ulit na mahirap na pamimilian..siguro ung kapag iniisip ko siya habang hindi ko siya kasama eh ang bagal ng oras. mahilig ako makafeel ng withdrawal symptoms at isa ito sa mga un..

ano ang susundin mo...ang dinidikta mo sa puso mo o ang dinidikta ng puso mo syo?
sabihin ko mang gusto ko sundin ang sarili ko, pagminsan talaga, hindi mapigilan ang mga kilos at desisyon ng isang tao pag puso na ang nagdikta. mahirap magpigil. sobra.

siya ba un laging pumapasok sa isip mo o siya un laging laman ng panaginip mo?
dito sa tanong na to, neither kasi hindi siya pumapasok sa isip ko kasi parati siyang laman ng utak ko..sa panaginip man o kahit nagrereview pa sa math 17..

sino nga ba...ang taong nagpaluha syo, o ang taong nagpunas sa minsang pagluha mo?
ung nagpaluha sakin, definitely. kasi hindi ko siya iiyakan kung hindi siya mahalaga..

sino sa kanila...ang taong nagpapatawa sayo o ang taong dahilan ng lahat ng iyong emosyon?
ung dahilan ng lahat ng emosyon ko, siyempre. kasi masasabi ko lang talaga na mahal kita kung nakakaramdam ako ng extreme emotions towards you. positive man o kahit negative. pag intense ang inis o galit ko sayo, ibig sabihin, mahal kita o mahalaga ka sakin kasi kung wala ka lang, eh di hindi na kita pag-aaksayahan pa ng oras.

sino nga bang pipiliin mo?ANG TAONG MULING NAGBUKAS NG PUSO MO...?O ANG TAONG MATAGAL NG NANDOON?
naniniwala ako na there will always be someone na babalik-balikan mo, anuman ang mangyari. kahit na alam mo sa sarili mong nagmove on ka na, babalik at babalik ka parin sa kanya.

it's been what? 5 years..pero andito ka parin. kahit na siguro wala nang halaga, gusto ko lang malaman mo na you will always be important to me.

oh well..

2004-09-19T12:14:00.000+08:00

lts wasn't as bad as i expected it to be..
i mean i got through it..with a smile. ;p

i love the fact that i don't like him anymore..
makes things so much easier.
i don't have to be extra nice to him..
i don't have to analyze his every word and movement..
i get to be myself, 'heck' with him.

yey..i'm back to not feeling anything again.
feels nice..

every single moment i spend there makes it even harder to let go..
should i shift to film in UPD???

argh. i don't know.
block 11-14 makes me want to stay.. :'c

of conclusions and beginnings

2004-09-16T11:13:00.000+08:00

today marks the end...
of my foolish fascination over mr. 80.

i have come to my senses..
there's really no hope with someone who is so totally unreceptive to my friendliness.

he was corny and fashionably-challenged anyway.
i'm sorry..i just had to say that. bitterness taking over. forgive me.

anyway, he doesn't matter anymore.
i'm happy right now.

mr. stroll is..
very charming
really fun to be with
entertaining (just the thought of him makes me break into a mega-watt smile complete with a twinkling faraway look to my eyes)
a great conversationalist
easy to get along with
really smart
a wonderful dresser
sporty
cute with to-die-for eyebrows (sorry..i've got a thing for eyebrows) and such an adorable smile

btw, i wasn't able to blog yesterday..
Belated HAPPY HAPPY BDAY KEV!!!
love you pare..

and about how my day went..
i really don't want to talk about how lts went..let's just say sometimes, my manipulative ways can backfire..
oh well..was liberating though. i now have a new sem to look forward to.

tears of joy

2004-09-14T10:56:00.000+08:00

it never hurts to look at people's links pages..i swear.

naiiyak na ako sa tuwa right now. what a wonderful discovery. :)

*tear*

i am SO happy right now.
could anyone be that adorable?
grabe..wala na akong maisip na title for his pics..na-exhaust ko na ata all possible titles..
haha..he is so cute.

i have died and gone to heaven..

*jump jump jump*

kinareer na comsci project

2004-09-14T10:04:00.000+08:00

today was our last day ng pe..how sad. i'll miss bowling sa rizal coliseum. at lalong mamimiss ko si sir nuestro! hehe..of course, nagpapic na ko kay sir para souvenir. magpaturo na kaya ako ng fencing sa kanya..harhar.

haha..ang saya! harry and i both got excited over our comsci project. haha..kinareer kumbaga. harry's even studying java script for it. and we started with preliminary gathering of content. we've got pix and questionnaires from the block 12, pix from block 2 and our very own biochem block. we also distributed the questionnaires sa block 2, block 11 and the intarmed block..got to continue our search..;p haha..

quotable quote:
i'm onto you... (Marfori, 2004)

history I is the best! :)
*jump jump jump*

withdrawal and depression

2004-09-12T22:47:00.000+08:00

ok..it's 7 o' clock on a Sunday morning and i'm feeling withdrawal and depression. ang ganda naman..aga-aga, nagkakaganito ko. should've never read that book about this cheerleader and her math tutor falling inlove. tsk tsk..naalala ko tuloy ang state of my so-called 'love life'. (if ever pwede mo ba namang tawagin un na ganun)

i've always had this so-called archetype. he's got to be musically inclined, independent, tigasin..street smart. and since i've always liked the same type of guys, i know how to deal with them.

it's a different story now. for the first time in my life, i like a guy who puts studies before anything else. he's smart and masipag..good influence kumbaga. problem is, he doesn't talk to me unless it's school-related. haaay..maybe he'd notice me if i begged him to tutor me or something. but then again, i don't think papayag siya. after all, it would eat up his valuable study time. argh..i don't know how to deal with this. with him.

*tear*

ewan..mag-aaral na nga lang ako.

i'm zonked

2004-09-11T16:01:00.000+08:00

first of all, i'd like to say...
HAPPY HAPPY 18'TH BDAY BEBA!!!
gosh..i love you SO MUCH! and i MISS you like HELL! hope to see you REAL SOON.

my zonked out friday turned out this way..
instead of going to be, rivs, bogs, mellow(?) and ac's gig, i dragged my sick self for a family dinner at this Indian restaurant. infairness, the food was amazing. although meron atang draining powers ung food coz i fell asleep in the car all the way home. and after replying to karls and aj, i instantly fell right back to sleep. if it hadn't been for kev's mind-boggling text, i wouldn't be awake right now.

aj..
OMG OMG OMG!!! i can't believe that..at all. and i thought that person was over you. i guess not. iba talaga ang charms ng isang harry. harhar..;p
isama mo na lang ako if ever you decide to go..then siyempre, hindi na ako makakauwi ng buhay coz i'd be flat as a pancake by then. harhar..(my evilness is once again acting up)

recap of my school day..
it was survey day..a survey ate up our philo time. yey! before math, we answered another survey. then soc sci.
ma'am really made sense earlier. made me realize that you really can't fight the system. orly is right. although it is a little selfish. pero kahit na..it makes the most sense. why try to change the system and exhaust all your energy for nothing? why not just change yourself? but then again, this is another one of those debatable topics i don't really want to discuss. (selfish ilustrado way of thinking..i know. have got to go back to optimistic view that things can change if you do something other than just going with the flow. after all, i am an iskolar ng bayan. should be able to relate to the masses instead of trying to protect my social status.)
commI, the aircon was out. impressively, joshua and eugene were able to fix it. astig. then we made a narrative essay..my topic was my ever fateful monday last week involving an innocent stroll..:)

random thoughts:

i've got to find OR make an acceptable information questionnaire for our "campus cutie" website project..harhar.

annoying and arrogant guys irk me and endear me at the same time. (ONLY if their charms outweigh everything else) tsk tsk tsk..
why do i like such feeler guys? oh well..

quotable quotes:

kung hindi ako nagpatutor/nagpapaturo sa'yo, ibig sabihin, mayabang ka. (Ramos, 2004)
...sorry ah, i just find it hard to accept help laced with condescension.
alin, alin, alin ang bakla dito? with matching tono ah..(Symaco, 2004)

i can't post the quotable quotes from aj's text mesages coz if i did, it would endanger my life..sayang, was hilarious pa naman. oh well..

another pointless blog...

2004-09-10T15:16:00.000+08:00

i've done my writing outline for comm..
i don't want to do the math stuff..
i'm bored. :)

today was alright. didn't get to see mr. stroll even if they did have a class in as today..:(
maybe i really should have volunteered to be ma'am's blackboard monitor..harhar. pathetic.

oh my..i've got to find a survey for our comsci project..

nothing really to recap..was a boring day.

quotable convo:
2 guys went into the male cr and went back to their classroom..
joshua (brother bear/little puppy) : "Dapat hindi sila nag-cr diyan.."
kirstoff (white stallion) : "Eh san sila mag-ccr? Sa gitna?.."
eugene (teenage Simba) : "Enough na namang sabay sila.."
aika and harry rolled on the floor laughing.
sorry ang babaw..wala akong mablog. ;p

hehe..whatever.

got this from les..:)

2004-09-08T19:12:00.000+08:00

1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that you have in common with me.
3. Whatever you don't bold, replace with things about you.
taken from lesley..gosh, i MISS her.

01. I have made bad decisions.
02. I get excited about exams (nerd!)
03. I buy accessories but don't really use them. -except earrings
04. I collect quirky dangling earrings.
05. I have no children.
06. But I'll probably want some when the time comes.
07. I usually sleep 6 hours a night.
08. Except when I can't be bothered to do school work
09. I don't know how to drive (yet).
10. I love being sarcastic and 'evil'.
11. I love listening to people rant about their lives.
12. I love listening to rock love songs.
13. I love reading.
14. I collect memories.
15. I wish I had more to give.
16. I wish I had more people to have memories with.
17. I spend way too much time fussing over nothing.
18. I have a lot to learn.
19. I should cry more often.
20. I feel uncomfortable giving hugs or kisses on the cheek.
21. I love music.
22. I love eating pasta.
23. I like sweets
24. I like chocolates
25. I feel semi-loved.
26. I believe in God.
27. I love writing.
28. I'm stubborn sometimes.
29. I'm as "abhorable" as much as I'm likeable.
30. I can be bossy but this is just so things would get done.
31. I read a lot.
32. I have a love-hate relationship with chocolates.
33. I believe that love is not a fallacy.
34. I waste a lot of time thinking about HIM.
35. I hate traffic.
36. I love the color blue.
37. I make things complicated than they really are.
38. I'm a sucker for flowers.
39. I am more of a nerd now than i ever was in my whole life.
40. I'm a frustrated guitar player.
41. I really enjoy creative and personal gifts, even if they cost nothing.
42. I do not know how to cartwheel.
43. I can't live without my phone.
44. I wish we have a planner in UP.
45. I think people should care more about others than themselves.
46. I think people should be less heartless.
47. I love being alive.
48. The thought of dying doesn't scare me
49. I wish I exercised more.
50. I babble a lot.
51. I get really sappy
52. I wish I found it easy to talk to people I like.
53. I am melodramatic sometimes.
54. I like expressing my feelings a lot.
55. I wish I wasn't as fickle regarding my relationships with other people.
56. I feel special.
57. And slightly psychotic
58. I get cold feet.
59. I am righthanded
60. I can multi-task.
61. I am confident.
62. I am not easily afraid.
63. I like to jump on trampolines.
64. I can be emotional.
65. I get attached easily
66. I find it hard to let go
67. I am addicted to coffee.
68. I like deep conversations, but also conversations about nothing at all.
69. I want deeper friendships.
70. I am in search of something I do not know.
71. I'm not married.
72. but I plan to be, in a few years.
73. I would love to slow dance with the guy of my dreams.
74. Songs can get stuck in my head longer than a week.
75. I hate the Christmas hype.
76. I hurt people inadvertently.
77. I am too inconsiderate around people I know. -sometimes
78. I love my white bear, Christian.
79. My Kuya is the best older brother in the world.
80. I love my friends.
81. I've never seen Duran Duran in concert.
82. I like walking. -more so strolling. ;p
83. I love ukay-ukays
84. I am 'abstract'.
85. I'll be getting my braces in a few weeks.
86. Procrastination gets to me.
87. I want to travel more.
88. ... but I don't have time
89. I wish I was more of an asset to our society.
90. I love wearing earrings.
91. I dont like toe-rings.
92. I don't have a hard time matter-loading.
93. I don't run enough.
94. I eat a lot of sweets
95. I am proud to be street-smart despite my upbringing.
96. I want to be more book-smart
97. I want to be more smart, period.
98. I wish I had more time.
99. I have a lot of acquaintences, but not many real friends.
100. I want to love someone who is as inlove with me as I am with him. :)